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28-09-2022 05:04 PM
28-09-2022 05:04 PM
Caring for an older parent with Borderline Personality Disorder - all while I've just been diagnosed with Autism
Hi.
I'm new here - only just discovered this forum. I always assumed that, since my mother is not actually living with me, I didn't quality for any support.
My mother's official diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder, but since my father died a couple of years ago her behaviour changed significantly. A psychologist I spoke to at the time said the way I spoke about her made it sound like BPD. Of course, he's never met her so it might be completely off-base. But what I've read about BPD made an awful lot of sense of her behaviour.
She doesn't live with me, but she lives nearby. We live in a lovely area where lots of people help her out, and she's on an aged care package. But she's getting more frail and genuinely needs help with some things. But I think she also gets emotional relief from having people rush around and make a fuss of her. So, while I don't think she actually makes up any of her needs, I'm pretty sure she exaggerates them sometimes. And others she gets in a panic about things that are, objectively not urgent. But either way, the phone calls and demands that I rush over and help keep coming.
Everyone I've talked to about this says to make clear boundaries. So we've organised that she rings me every second day (or I ring her, but I never get the chance - she's always rung first), and once a fortnight I come over and deal with anything she needs dealt with. But while she says having that structure is helpful, she's constantly pushing those boundaries - she tells me this will always happen as she finds boundaries themselves a threat. She knows all the buttons to push to guilt trip me. And, being autistic myself, I find it very difficult to know if I'm being unreasonable or not. But if I don't enforce some boundaries my own mental health suffers - badly. It feels like we have directly opposing needs and I'm really struggling to manage the situation.
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28-09-2022 05:13 PM
28-09-2022 05:13 PM
Re: Caring for an older parent with Borderline Personality Disorder - all while I've just been diagnosed with Autism
Welcome @ckpineapple 🙂
We only just had a conversation about BPD last night. You can read through the discussion here:
You may be also interested in:
Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script
Topic Tuesday // Supporting loved ones living with BPD // Tuesday 25th January, 7pm-8:30pm AEDT
Bipolar is often mixed with BPD. Despite both having similar representations, the treatments are vastly different.
Of course you quality for support! Caring for a loved one ultimately affects your life. It is important you get the support you need.
I'll tag @BPDSurvivor who may be able to offer their insights into what is happening for you.
Do you have any BPD-specific questions?
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29-09-2022 01:10 PM
29-09-2022 01:10 PM
Re: Caring for an older parent with Borderline Personality Disorder - all while I've just been diagnosed with Autism
Thanks very much @tyme I've had a look through those links and it was quite helpful. I'd read a bit about BPD, but it was all from family members' perspective and a lot of it was quite negative - it was really good to see some of the comments from the inside to give me a better understanding. And the idea about developing boundaries together (which in hindsight should have been obvious) seems like a good one to try.
At the moment Mum's really struggling with anxiety. She's just decided she shouldn't be driving anymore which is a real challenge for her. She's also doing that constant "rescue me" thing she does under stress which I'm worried is starting to drive away her friends and support network.
I find it difficult to know how to support her. But I guess my only real BPD question at the moment (which may not be answerable here) is, do I talk to her about BPD? I don't know if she's even heard of it, and I may be totally off-base with this. I also read in the blogs that a lot of psychologists won't work with BPD - and we live in a small regional town so, if the psych that comes here won't work with her we're a bit screwed.
Thanks.
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29-09-2022 09:13 PM
29-09-2022 09:13 PM
Re: Caring for an older parent with Borderline Personality Disorder - all while I've just been diagnosed with Autism
Hey @ckpineapple ,
It's hard to answer whether you should tell her about BPD.
Knowing a potential diagnosis might be quite stressful for some (esp the elderly), however, it may also be liberating (to know what they are experiencing is a real thing).
You know your mum best. Is she well enough to take in the potential stress of having a diagnosis?
Another approach is that you tell her, "I have 'heard' or read about people who go through .... They have said that....helps. Do you think this would help you?"
I think the key thing is boundary-setting. As you said, the last thing you want is to see her lose her friends and push people away by being too 'needy'. I think having an awareness of this might be helpful for her. That is, for her to know that her co-dependency can be quite draining on people.
Worth a try?
Looking forward to hearing how you go,
tyme
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30-09-2022 09:23 AM
30-09-2022 09:23 AM
Re: Caring for an older parent with Borderline Personality Disorder - all while I've just been diagnosed with Autism
@tyme Thanks very much - I'll give it a shot.