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ckpineapple
Casual Contributor

Caring for an older parent with Borderline Personality Disorder - all while I've just been diagnosed with Autism

Hi.

 

I'm new here - only just discovered this forum.  I always assumed that, since my mother is not actually living with me, I didn't quality for any support.

 

My mother's official diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder, but since my father died a couple of years ago her behaviour changed significantly.  A psychologist I spoke to at the time said the way I spoke about her made it sound like BPD.  Of course, he's never met her so it might be completely off-base.  But what I've read about BPD made an awful lot of sense of her behaviour.  

 

She doesn't live with me, but she lives nearby.  We live in a lovely area where lots of people help her out, and she's on an aged care package.  But she's getting more frail and genuinely needs help with some things.  But I think she also gets emotional relief from having people rush around and make a fuss of her.  So, while I don't think she actually makes up any of her needs, I'm pretty sure she exaggerates them sometimes.  And others she gets in a panic about things that are, objectively not urgent.  But either way, the phone calls and demands that I rush over and help keep coming.

 

Everyone I've talked to about this says to make clear boundaries.  So we've organised that she rings me every second day (or I ring her, but I never get the chance - she's always rung first), and once a fortnight I come over and deal with anything she needs dealt with.  But while she says having that structure is helpful, she's constantly pushing those boundaries - she tells me this will always happen as she finds boundaries themselves a threat.  She knows all the buttons to push to guilt trip me.  And, being autistic myself, I find it very difficult to know if I'm being unreasonable or not.  But if I don't enforce some boundaries my own mental health suffers - badly.  It feels like we have directly opposing needs and I'm really struggling to manage the situation.

4 REPLIES 4

Re: Caring for an older parent with Borderline Personality Disorder - all while I've just been diagnosed with Autism

Welcome @ckpineapple 🙂 

 

We only just had a conversation about BPD last night. You can read through the discussion here:

Topic Tuesday// Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Week 2022: 'See The Person'// Tues 27th Se... 

 

You may be also interested in:

 

Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script 

 

Topic Tuesday // Supporting loved ones living with BPD // Tuesday 25th January, 7pm-8:30pm AEDT 

 

Bipolar is often mixed with BPD. Despite both having similar representations, the treatments are vastly different.

 

Of course you quality for support! Caring for a loved one ultimately affects your life. It is important you get the support you need.

 

I'll tag @BPDSurvivor who may be able to offer their insights into what is happening for you.

 

Do you have any BPD-specific questions?

 

Re: Caring for an older parent with Borderline Personality Disorder - all while I've just been diagnosed with Autism

Thanks very much @tyme  I've had a look through those links and it was quite helpful.  I'd read a bit about BPD, but it was all from family members' perspective and a lot of it was quite negative - it was really good to see some of the comments from the inside to give me a better understanding.  And the idea about developing boundaries together (which in hindsight should have been obvious) seems like a good one to try.

 

At the moment Mum's really struggling with anxiety.  She's just decided she shouldn't be driving anymore which is a real challenge for her.  She's also doing that constant "rescue me" thing she does under stress which I'm worried is starting to drive away her friends and support network.  

 

I find it difficult to know how to support her.  But I guess my only real BPD question at the moment (which may not be answerable here) is, do I talk to her about BPD?  I don't know if she's even heard of it, and I may be totally off-base with this.  I also read in the blogs that a lot of psychologists won't work with BPD - and we live in a small regional town so, if the psych that comes here won't work with her we're a bit screwed.

 

Thanks.

Re: Caring for an older parent with Borderline Personality Disorder - all while I've just been diagnosed with Autism

Hey @ckpineapple ,

 

It's hard to answer whether you should tell her about BPD. 

 

Knowing a potential diagnosis might be quite stressful for some (esp the elderly), however, it may also be liberating (to know what they are experiencing is a real thing).

 

You know your mum best. Is she well enough to take in the potential stress of having a diagnosis?

 

Another approach is that you tell her, "I have 'heard' or read about people who go through .... They have said that....helps. Do you think this would help you?"

 

I think the key thing is boundary-setting. As you said, the last thing you want is to see her lose her friends and push people away by being too 'needy'. I think having an awareness of this might be helpful for her. That is, for her to know that her co-dependency can be quite draining on people.

 

Worth a try?

 

Looking forward to hearing how you go,

tyme

Re: Caring for an older parent with Borderline Personality Disorder - all while I've just been diagnosed with Autism

@tyme Thanks very much - I'll give it a shot.

 

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