Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Stargirl]

@Appleblossom @tyme Hello it's me again. Daughter's struggles are ongoing and she is now addicted to ice. Still not wanting help. Lived on the streets but tells me she's back in a refuge as of a few days ago. Alluding to ending her life on her upcoming birthday. Leaning on me for emotional support however I am not always able to do that as I am struggling emotionally with all of this too (I have support). Our conversations don't seem to be going anywhere but I still want her to know I am here for her. How do you tell someone you are there for them when you can't really do anything for them? I live too far away to just jump in the car and give her a big hug which is sometimes all she asks for. 

[tyme]

I'm so sorry to hear this @Stargirl ,

It sounds so difficult. Sometimes, being there for someone can be even to just be there to hear her out. Knowing that you are not 'against' her or 'hate' her means a lot to her. 

Calling, texting, and sending a virtual hug or a message to say, "I'm thinking of you" can mean more than you can imagine.

Just keep hanging in there for her sake. 

Look after yourself. I acknowledge it can be so difficult, yet there is hope.

[Stargirl]

Thank you @tyme. The conversation today with daughter was awful. She says I tell her the same shit every time. I really don't know what to say to her any more. She says I hurt her with my words and that I assume too much (of course that is not the intention and I think she is being overly sensitive but she may also be right in many respects). I really am out of touch with her. I can feel that we are losing our connection. I try to tell myself things will change with time but it doesn't seem to. I am so worried for her because I can feel a change in her. She seems to be giving up and constantly says she won't be around for her birthday which is coming up. I hate all of this and I no longer feel any joy in life. It's been so hard to live a parallel life to our daughter. I hate that I am the only one of all our family who has any contact with her too. It's a huge strain on me to be the only emotional support and I am failing at it now. I can't believe it got to this point. I just have to keep trying because I don't want to give up on her. I'll back off though and just touch base once a week and see how that goes. I will try to hang onto hope but it's really hard when we have had crisis after crisis for so long. It takes its toll. Thank you again for being there for me. It really helps. 

[tyme]

I'm sorry to hear. It sounds so hard @Stargirl .

Rather than asking her if she wants help, do you think it would be helpful to empower her to make the change? I have found that when people 'push' help onto someone, it can be very hard. However, maybe prompting her when she says she won't see her next birthday - you can ask, "Is that how you want it?" "Is that how you want to live?" "What do you want life to look like for you?"

This may be the door to her considering what she wants, and then moving towards that.

What do you think?

[Appleblossom]

@Stargirl 

Good to see you.

Sorry to hear your girl is on Ice.  It is very dangerous. People can come off it.  I doubt there is any right thing to say in such a situation.  I am sure you are searching your heart and mind to find the best way to reach her.  Once per week is probably a good idea.  I have been in the position of racking my brain of what to say to my brother and sister, expressing their suicidality and self harm, again and again and again.  I was grasping for ideas and desperately digging deep for love, but at a point it has to come from within them.  

@tyme 's gentle push back could be wise... it includes a hearing of the intent ... of not being here for her birthday ... Is there anyway you can make other plans ... but also set limits and be realistic about life's demands with her ... that only she can carve out her own path and set her own values.

I am sorry you are the only one in your family who cares.  It is terrible that family has become so fragmented.   It is torture to go through this with someone you love.  My situaiton with my son is different.  He has his own set of ethics and tried to do what he feels is the right thing.  I do not feel he tests me or threatens me in that way, but he was very vulnerable and things were very serious.   

It is serious ongoing trauma for you to deal with, cos the pressure is on ... to save ... you have rights to be alive and to ... sit back ... a little and know you have done the work.  

[Stargirl]

I have tried this approach however I don't seem to be very good at it. Definitely I am always trying to find ways in to be able to help (without enabling) and she probably, actually she definitely feels that 'push' from me. I am trying too hard. I have moved past the 'rescue and trying to fix it' stages (with the help of a wonderful alcohol and other drug counsellor). I am trying to find the balance of letting her be (rather than letting go which is so final). And trying to empower her but I just f that up all the time lately. I will definitely use those words you suggested when I next get to communicate with her. I did ask her not long ago, if there was anything she could change what would that be? Her reply was, I wish I could make everything better. It's in her hands and she knows it but seems to be constantly going against that sentiment. 

[Stargirl]

Good to also see that you and @tyme are here for me (and others too).  I have struggled to re-connect until now due to so much going on. Yes I think @tyme has provided a good strategy and one I will try. There is an art to using empowering language and one I am trying to learn.

Yes ice is dangerous and daughter has been in and out of hospital recently with drug related issues and is very thin and weakened physically. I am sorry to hear about your brother and sister's struggles. I have come to realise too that it has to come from them. I have suggested doing something on her birthday but she says she has plans (that don't include me) and that she won't be around the day after her birthday. I will suggest seeing if she wants to meet up before her birthday maybe.

My partner (her dad) cares but he has his own past yet to deal with and so much anger for what she is 'doing to me' that he doesn't want to engage with her at this stage. He hates to see me so upset. I tell him it's not directly her fault and that I choose to react the way I do and I'm learning how to manage all that through counselling (and I am but it's hard work and exhausting). Yes it is traumatic for me and our family and her friends  (some I still have contact with) and I don't blame them for shutting off but how can a young girl struggling, hold onto hope when everyone around her has backed away because it's too hard and too complicated. It's a sad situation. I dream of better days but they seem so far away and I am not so confident we will ever see that day the way things have been recently. 

[tyme]

Addiction is addiction. I can hear she is hurting and wants things to be better, but may also feel powerless to do anything about it @Stargirl .

I can't say I've had ice addiction, but for my own recovery, I really had to come to the end of myself. I never thought I'd see my next birthday either. Recovery needs to come from her. Just like it had to come from me. 

Continue to be there for her and just let her know you are there. Words such as, "I'm here to help you when you are ready." That then means the ball is in her court and you are not pushing recovery on her.

Hope that makes sense. 

[Stargirl]

Yes that makes sense. Yes she is definitely hurting and has concluded that she has an addiction she can't stop (and says she doesn't want to stop). I think she would like to stop and to have a better life but is stuck in this awful cycle. Yes I'll keep telling her I love her and I'm here for her when she is ready, regardless of the negativity I get from her when I say these things. 

Thank you for sharing parts of your story and for giving me strength to keep on with this. And I am glad you are here to help others like me. I can feel the experience and the connectedness of your experiences in your replies to me. Thank you. 

[tyme]

Please take care yourself, and let us know how things go. 

We are here for you @Stargirl . We've all had our battles in one way or another.