Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Stargirl]

@Appleblossom thank you. I am trying but it's hard. Daughter has such a long way to go and not sure she wants to leave the life she has for a better one. Can't reason with her so I have to stop trying. I held hope she would get some relief from the upcoming psychiatrist appointment but I am not so sure anymore. She believes she has no one and nothing. And that's pretty much the way it is at the moment. I was hoping with medication she might be able to see more clearly but there's so much more to it than that. There's no stability and she can't come home because it's too stressful to have her here. It's really heartbreaking. I'm happy for you that your son is in a good place. That gives me some hope. 

[tyme]

Hi @Stargirl ,

I'm so sorry to hear. It must be so difficult. Yet I also want to acknowledge that you have tried everything you can. Recovery requires the individual to play a part - the biggest part. Maybe it will just take time and space for her to realise she cannot do it on her own. This was my own story also. 

To this day, I am still in awe that I am alive. I was hopeless and helpless. As much as I was given help, I really wasn't ready. It came to the point when someone said, "You'll never be ready unless you are sick of being sick." This was when I began to wake up. Recovery was in my hands. I was to author my own recovery story. I couldn't rely on others to do it for me.

Just let her know you are there for when she is ready. 

Don't give up hope. Hope is what keeps us all going.

[Appleblossom]

I am ten times bitten, twice shy about meds and psychiatrists. @Stargirl It does not provide many solutions but may be a stop gap while she works things out.  It is the system we have, and I have had to model towing the line etc with it. However I believe real therapy has solutions and hope, however it is delivered ... family, nature or the random kindness of strangers.

I found early in life there was no point reasoning or arguing people out of their positions. Mostly I was in a powerless position myself. As a parent tho I did try and provide grounds for hope.  My son was recently given DSP which was heartbreaking in a way and reassuring in a way. Acknowledging his need and that the trauma in our family was real. He is very musical thoughtful sensitive and creative and listens to podcasts while he plays piano.  Eg atm ...one about men and work and economics.

I do not have an opinion whether your daughter should be in your home or not.  Personally, I did better by being on my own from 16.  It all depends ... I think there is too much pressure on the nuclear family generally and it has many consequences, from tiger mums, hot housing, to kids on the street ...

[tyme]

I also did better on my own @Appleblossom  @Stargirl  - that way, I could not blame anyone for my own condition. 

It also made me see that I was the one in control and my behaviour had consequences. 

[Stargirl]

@Appleblossom @tyme @yes a stop gap.... Maybe... I just don't know at this point if there is much hope but regardless I will hold onto hope and the wonderful support from you and others in this forum. It really does help because most people out there don't get it. They are quick to judge or to tell you what might help but they really have no idea. It's the ones who have been through or are going through it that make the difference to people like me/us.

There are too many triggers at home for us all to have her back, even to visit at the moment. It breaks my heart. We need to see some real change before reconnection can happen on that level. It's neutral grounds for now. The last home visit ended up with police and ambulance. I won't go into details. There Is alot I haven't shared. It's too much to process let alone share but I'm sure you feel and most likely get the undertow. 

Small steps. We are just trying to be strong and look after ourselves. I'm there for her but not the way I used to be and she feels that. She told me today that she feels like she has lost me and that she is too far gone to ever come back to another life. That she has seen too much and done too much to ever let that go. She has terrible nightmares and feels like she is choking. So sad. That she thought she would have a completely different life to the one she has at this age. That nothing matters anymore and that she doesn't want to see 21 but then she says she doesn't want to die. So mixed up! I can tell she was just being honest about her feelings. I am so worried for her. But again I have to rise above that and hold onto hope. It's just so hard.

I feel for you too. I can imagine how difficult it is to accept where you son is at and what he needs to keep him going. It's good there is support out there. 

[Stargirl]

@tyme thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I remember when I was young and really down and out a close friend (who is still a friend now) that I house shared with, told me to get on with life and pull my socks up (not those words but similar) and she gave me a stray cat! It was a turning point for me. The kindness of someone who cared when I most needed it and couldn't find it elsewhere.

Thank you for acknowledging I have tried everything I can. I'm now at the stage where I am just there for her when she is ready. I'm not sure what it will take. She has been in some terrible situations 😭 💔 

[tyme]

I myself left home @Stargirl . I really needed that space. Then, in MY time I sought and received help. In MY time, my recovery journey began. In MY time I was able to return to my family, thank them and be eternally grateful that they did not let me go.

As she finds herself, I do have full faith that she will return in a much better place.

A regular check-in to let you know you care can go a long long way. The response may not be one to be expected (or maybe no response), but she will not forget it.

I acknowledge your strength in setting these boundaries. It is so important.

[tyme]

TW: Emergency Services / Restraint

I myself have been in terrible terrible situations @Stargirl . To this day, I still have the traumas involved with emergency services, police, being put in a divi-van, chemical restraints, ICU.... pretty much at death's door.

Half dead, I came to my senses. I could no longer rely on others or expect others to 'make me better'. I needed to empower myself. This was the turning point.

It sounds like you have really tried everything. It is not because you do not care. But rather, you care too much and this is why it has come to this. 

I have great hope. Take every day as a learning opportunity. What is your daughter teaching you about life? Seize the moment as a moment of gain rather than loss.

Hugs, tyme

[Stargirl]

😭 thank you Tyme. You are a survivor and must have amazing resilience to have got through all of that.

Yes I care too much. I am still learning to let go. More than once I have thought if I wasn't here anymore maybe she could grow and blossom as she deserves to. But that would cause more trauma and have devastating effects on everyone I love and who love me. It's not the answer, I have too much to live for but sometimes the thought feels tempting.

Thank you for your hope, again for sharing your circumstances and for being here for me.

I will think about what she is teaching me about life. 

[Appleblossom]

@Stargirl @tyme She may even have a special loyalty to people going through hard times or different subcultures. The gulf between those that have and have not can seem so wide.   

I will never lose my inner connection to the experience of homelessness, but now I make active choices whether to give practically or emotionally about it.  At one point I started to test myself by not partaking of drink of smoke etc while still being with others that did, but eventually just lost interest and left that way of life, even allow myself to feel annoyed by cigarette smoke.  

I too, have found meaning in a cat at different times .... I would never have bought meat for me at the time, but put up with the yukky smell of liver for mine. 

The old pulling up sox saying, can work within a genuine framework of care, like your friend stargirl, but sometimes, it does not help.  It is tricky.  I am not sure your daughter can do that right now, from what you have shared ... so yes some boundaries of care and respect ... both ways ... may be necessary.