? BOUNDARIES: Week long discussion ?

[chibam]

Apologies to all for the cumbersome length of that rant. But that's a story I've been struggling to get out for years now. Tonight, finally I managed to do it. So I won't be trimming it down, unless the mods request otherwise, of course.

[NatureLover]

Trigger warning - childhood emotional abuse and my reaction to it.

1. What challenges and feelings have you faced when trying to set healthy boundaries, and when your boundaries have been breached?

As a child, I felt desperation and despair when my requests for mercy were ignored and trodden over. It led to being suicidal as I saw no way out, and three suicide attempts.
As an adult, I also felt some desperation but was able to plan out a response (to set a boundary) and how to phrase that response, so it was OK. Also, as an adult I have the option of walking away from that person for my wellbeing, if necessary, if my boundaries aren't respected. 

2. What was the impact and how did you handle them (or could you handle them)?

I think as a child the impact was catastrophic and left me with lifelong damage and mental illness. Also a fierce desire for independence. 

As an adult, the ability to walk away from that person ( = an escape from the bad treatment) means that the feelings are easier to control. 

[cloudcore]

Hi @WildGypsyRose , @Lyra_reachout , @Faith-and-Hope, @Appleblossom, @BPDSurvivor , @Shaz51 @chibam @NatureLover .

Thank you for your stories and also supporting eachother in this thread, sharing past experiences relating to boundaries can bring up a lot of pain and feelings of anger/regret. I can hear that many of you are still managing the emotional impact of a relationship breakdown resulting from boundary strife and mistreatment today. It's an awful experience and something I also manage day to day as well. I'm glad that we were able to share this space to be vulnerable together.

It has taken many of us considerable internal work, heart ache, trial and error, to begin this process of setting and maintaing healthy boundaries. This is a process we will also likely have to continue learning and adjusting throughout our lives. As it can be easy to be discouraged by negative reactions we recieve from others when enforcing boundaries, let's explore some of our experiences of positive reactions that could empower us to move forward and create healthier relationships in the process.

I will be posting up the next question shortly!

from cloudcore

[cloudcore]

Final Questions for Friday 27th of August:

Firm discussions around boundaries with others can be quite stressful, confronting and scary. But they can also be a relief.

1. Think of a time when you have had a boundary respected. How did it feel, or what do you think might be possible if you communicate your boundaries in a mindful way to a friend, family member or colleague?

2. Is there anyone in your life you feel you have a positive relationship with where you are both aware of and respect each others’ boundaries? How did you get to this point?

[Sophia1]

Hello @Appleblossom 

Thank you for highlighting the link to your thread about boundaries

I have read through the whole thread and found it very helpful..

The connection formed between you all and the boundary setting silently occurring in some occasions without mention all worked well..

There was also some clear respect demonstrated and boundary setting within the thread itself..

I would definitely recommend people looking at the thread ..

written with a very different perspective and style...

Sophia

[Owen45]

Looking forward to discussing boundaries and mental health issues

[chibam]

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@cloudcore wrote:

Final Questions for Friday 27th of August:

Firm discussions around boundaries with others can be quite stressful, confronting and scary. But they can also be a relief.

1. Think of a time when you have had a boundary respected. How did it feel, or what do you think might be possible if you communicate your boundaries in a mindful way to a friend, family member or colleague?

---

I tend to dream of a life where boundaries are scarcely necessary; because I am so ideologically matched to my surrounding community that my friends, family and colleagues have no inclination to behave in ways I view as being undesirable.

It speaks to a level of disconnection when you have someone that doesn't automatically share your views about what's good and bad. And what I yearn for most of all is connection.

When the only way of making a relationship work is by fencing someone in with boundaries that you know they privately aspire to cross; you still lament the fact that you are stuck with someone who isn't really on your team.

Solid boundaries can alleviate suffering. But they can't produce joy. And when the nature of your plight is that you are stuck in a joyless life... the potential value of boundaries becomes rather moot.

I guess if I were to impose firm boundaries upon my life, the biggest one would have to be that everyone would need to respect my heirachy of loyalty. Wife above all else; best friends above distant friends; friends above company/employer; company above strangers & incompatable acquaintances (e.g. my birth family). People would need to be aware & respectful of the fact that my support or assistance is governed by that code. So if your my boss,  you can count on me to have your back... unless my friends or missus want me for something else. That's non-negotiable. I'd want those rules to be recognized up-front, so people don't get any nasty surprises about where my loyalties lie at moments that might be crucial for them.

It would also be nice to be free to declare myself unavailable, when needs be - and know that I wouldn't be publically defamed for doing so.

Though in truth, in an ideal world, I'd hope that such a boundary would scarcely be needed. I want to live a life where spending time with friends is a luxury to look forward to, not a chore to be politely tollerated. I want to life a live where I'm happy to help the people closest and dearest to me; because I just know that I can count on them, whenever I'm the one who needs help.

[NatureLover]

1. Think of a time when you have had a boundary respected. How did it feel, or what do you think might be possible if you communicate your boundaries in a mindful way to a friend, family member or colleague?

I had a boundary mostly respected late last year when I asked my nice neighbour/friend to stop telling me negative stuff /hate and conspiracy theories about Covid and the government, as it was getting me down. It really helped and I'm glad I got the courage to ask. It was a good example - I asked for my own wellbeing, not as a criticism of her. Very encouraging for if I have to ask someone in future to respect my boundaries. Occasionally she has a little lapse, but mostly pulls herself up!

2. Is there anyone in your life you feel you have a positive relationship with where you are both aware of and respect each others’ boundaries? How did you get to this point?

Actually I think my nice neighbour/friend and I have very different outlooks on life. But we each like and respect each other, and try to focus on what we have in common. For instance, I've tagged her about available jobs on Facebook before, but neither of us has requested to be "friends' on Facebook, as we both recognise that it wouldn't work - we would get upset about content posted I think. I don't want to read about masses of anti-vaxx /conspiracy /hate stuff, and she wouldn't want to read about support for LGBTQIA+ stuff, I imagine. 

How did we get to this point? I think we both put respect for each other high on the agenda, and also recognise that being close neighbours wouldn't work if we were fighting. She's a lovely person, apart from her views which differ from mine. But she is very passionate and fierce about her views and won't tolerate anyone saying anything different, which I don't. So it works, thankfully, so far anyway. 

I want to thank @cloudcore  for running this interesting and informative week-long event on Boundaries! It is much appreciated. 

[cloudcore]

Thank you for your responses @chibam @NatureLover, and everyone who has participated in this discussion this week @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Appleblossom @Powderfinger @Sophia1 @Corny @Former-Member @TideisTurning @LostAngel @Kermit @WildGypsyRose @Lyra_reachout @jem80 @Owen45 @frog ! 

This conversation around boundaries is an important one because while boundaries can be challenging to navigate, setting and communicating them is essential for our health, well-being, and even our safety.

Boundaries can:

- Improve our relationships and self-esteem

- Allow us to conserve our emotional energy

- Give us more independance and agency

This sets a foundation for our upcoming Topic Tuesday on Health Relationships in Lockdown on the 31st of August at 7pm. We will be discussing boundaries, communication skills and conflict resolution, with a counsellor, to guide those of you who may be struggling to sustain harmony and connection with family, partners or roommates during lockdown.

I appreciate all of your contributions to this space, and sharing your stories and experiences in regards to setting and maintaining boundaries. I'm sure it will be a conversation that will continue to be pertinent in our lives. 

from cloudcore