👥 BOUNDARIES: Week long discussion 👥

[Powderfinger]

@cloudcore 

Thanks for expanding about your boundaries. Taking the topic of parents and exes, of course yes it is difficult in different ways with the difference in the relationships. With my dad, eventually I cut him completely from my life. I havn't seen nor spoken to him in a long time now. I grieved that loss for quite a few years. I've mostly made peace with that now. He has never tried to find me or get in touch with me. All I have us memories of him clearly displaying that he did not want me around. It took me a long time to get to the point where I can say to myself it says more about him than it does about me. I blamed myself for about 20 years. 

In 2019, I cut my mum out of my life completely. I never saw that day coming ever. I never expected to do it with another parent. I still have a lot to work through regarding that. The day I cut her from my life was one of the worst and excruciating times in my life. I was in so much pain. I did it via email. I never got a response and she hasn't contacted me since. 

My father I have let go of completely. I'm not sure about my mother yet. Still so much work to do. 

I've only remained friends with one ex. It isn't actually easy to do. I've never tried before so it's a while new ballgame. Boundaries are really important. It hadn't been easy, however we are still friends. If she met someone else and was happy, I'd be happy for her. I wouldn't stand in the way of her new relationship. I'd still hope we could hang out though now and then. 

Exes are difficult though. I think it's up the individual and the circumstances at the time. Ultimately though with abusive exes rigid boundaries is the best course of action it seems. 

I'm glad you shared about your work situation and boundaries with friends. I think from what you have said, I need to look at my own boundaries regarding my own work and the requests I get sometimes. Thanks for the pointers. 

PF

[jem80]

@Powderfinger 

I blocked someone because I wanted them to leave me alone and to let them know that I wanted to move on with my life and that they also needed to move on with their life. Since I blocked this person on all my social media and email accounts, I have not heard from this person since as they have no power over me because I do not see any responses and the more the person sees that they are been blocked either by email or when you block a phone number on mobiles it goes to voice mail or gets disregarded it means that the person has less contact with you.

If however the person escalates and it becomes very serious by all means seek an AVO and contact the police.

Here is a site that gives some instructions on how to block email addresses for your email accounts.

How to block email addresses on different email accounts:

https://clean.email/how-to-block-an-email-address

How to block email addresses on Iphone mobiles:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbSdVkyr1Y0

How to block email addresses on Androids mobiles:

https://clean.email/how-to-block-an-email-address/how-to-block-emails-on-android

[chibam]

Thanks, @Lyra_reachout 

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@Lyra_reachout wrote:

That sounds difficult @chibam , well, it sounds difficult to me anyway.

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It is. It really is; being trapped in an endless barrage of confusion.

I just wish I could wave a magic wand and have humanity finally make sense to me. Maybe open some communication chanels so that we can finally hammer out some amicable arrangements.

When I was starting out, I had aspirations of being one of the good guys. Maybe I still do to some degree, although those dreams have mostly been crushed.

The fact is that, even if I suddenly got an opportunity to do some good, it's all but impossible to do any good when your wracked with bitterness and hopelessness. You just lose the oomph of benevolence you need to make an effort for someone else.

I used to make an effort to brighten peoples' lives. I just don't see myself caring enough to do that again. Mores the pitty. The world needs people who are willing to stand up and be heroes. Now more then ever.

On the plus side, I think I've managed to rig myself with instinctive impulses to make people happy, via self-hypnosis. A couple years ago, I was put in a situation where I met new people. I was amazed at how frequently I said/did things that made them laugh & smile without even having to think about it. It's pretty reassuring, knowing that I've rewired my autopilot (with at least some success) to make others happy. It allows you to trust yourself a fair bit.

This thread has got me thinking a lot about the boundaries others impose upon us. I wonder if that's gonna be part of the future questions.

If it is, I'll probably have so much to say, I'll crash the SANE servers.

[Corny]

I had to completely start again @WildGypsyRose with my NDIS Support Coordinator and Support Workers when I wasn't well. It was really stressful, but I am so, so much happier now. I haven't been in hospital since December 2019......I think I am doing really well considering. I have Recovery Coach this morning and Exercise Physiology at lucnhtime today. 

I hope that you are happy with the supports that you have. I am so please that you could speak up for yourself. But what really makes me upset and angry is that not everyone can, and when I am not well, I couldn't either. It makes us all very vulnerable. There are a lot of sharks ripping off the NDIS. The Liberal government blames the participants and never scrutinises the staff and private companies benefiting from the scheme. I hope you are coping OK if you are in lock down Corny. 

[NatureLover]

Trigger warning for @Sophia1  - childhood abuse and my reaction to it

1. Think of someone who has helped shape who you are. What has this person taught you about boundaries, whether intentionally or unintentionally? 

My emotionally abusive father has had a huge impact on my life and who I am. All the boundaries I tried to set unknowingly as a child were harshly trodden over - mainly when I asked for mercy and was denied it. He taught me that my thoughts and needs were worthless and that it was useless to set boundaries. After years and years of therapy I now know that setting boundaries with a toxic person is essential, but that if you try to set them, you will likely be estranged. 

2. Are there specific areas of your life you need to set boundaries for? How do you know if you need to establish boundaries?

I think if people are walking over you and not honouring your polite requests, then I would need to set a firmer boundary. If it's needed for your wellbeing or functioning. 

[frog]

Hello @Kermit 

Sleep is a big one for me too. Lack of sleep is high up on the risk factors for me having an episode (yes, another bipolar frog!), so non negotiable!

Hi @chibam @Corny @NatureLover @cloudcore and everyone passing this way.

[Shaz51]

Same here @NatureLover , @cloudcore 

I was emotionally and mentally abused by my father  and was rejected  throughout life until he passed away 

It has shaped my life and it still shows its head in my life today after 14 years  

[cloudcore]

Hi @Sophia1 ,

We appreciate your suggestion. As we recognise that there has been potentially triggering content in this discussion we have amended our first post to provide a disclaimer and options for support should any of this content be triggering. We hope that with providing this disclaimer it will allow people to make an informed choice as to whether they feel ready to engage in the conversation. We're really sorry to hear that this content has been triggering for you. If you need more support please reach out to us at the SANE peer support book a call/webchat or SANE help centre.

Thank you for raising this concern and letting us know. Hopefully in including a disclaimer, we can support others to make a decision about whether to participate in the discussion. If you have any further concerns about this, you're welcome to email us at team@saneforums.org 

from cloudcore

[cloudcore]

Questions for Thursday 26th of August:

In some relationships, healthy boundaries seem to form naturally and easily. In other relationships, however, setting healthy boundaries is difficult.  

1. What challenges and feelings have you faced when trying to set healthy boundaries, and when your boundaries have been breached?

2. What was the impact and how did you handle them (or could you handle them)?

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@NatureLover @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @chibam @Appleblossom @BPDSurvivor @Powderfinger @Sophia1 @Corny @TideisTurning @LostAngel @Kermit @WildGypsyRose @Owen45 @Lyra_reachout @jem80 

[WildGypsyRose]

Hi @frog, @Kermit

I have bipolar too and reflecting on my last few episodes of mania, I am gobsmacked at how I was competely unaware of my lack of quality sleep in the weeks prior to mania. Now I am detirmined not to be blindsided. So yeah, sleep is a firm boundary for me too.