Running

[avant-garde]

@tyme

I find it frustrating when people try and problem solve my situation. 

I am a smart, intelligent and resourceful young woman who tries to reach out to people in her church and community so when people suggest that I try that, it causes me to feel angry that they seem to think I'm not trying. 

In fact it's the opposite that sometimes I don't have the energy or capacity to be stonewalled again. 

Because that's what they do. They have their lives and I have mine and they don't have time for me and if they do they give up on me anyway, that I'm too much drama. But I keep trying to the point of what could be considered insanity.

I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I honestly find it unhelpful as it seems to make the assumption that I haven't already tried.

[tyme]

Sorry, that was not what I meant.

I didn't meant to add salt to the wound. @avant-garde 

[avant-garde]

@tyme words are very easily misunderstood online and can depend on how it's read. I know I tend to read things defensively, especially in regards to my church because their shortfalls are very obvious when it comes to me and I get easily hurt by their actions because they lack lived experience and understanding. So the concept of reaching out to them, it's not for a lack of trying, it's for a lack of willingness and understanding on their part and right now I can't handle that.

I will never be a priority to them but I will likely also never leave, because I firmly believe that our God is and will continue to use me to reach them because I seem to be a trailblazer in that regard. 

[avant-garde]

I'm going to be sick

I must be nuts

How can I do this? 

How the heck can I do this? 

They want more detail

But maybe it'll be easier

Who am I kidding

Trauma is never easy

Police is never easy

I can't do this

I can't do this

But I'll hate myself if I don't

I'll hate myself more than I do

So much for healthy adult

Healthy adult doesn't break through my panic

It never has

Settle right? 

Settle? 

Like telling a kettle to boil

Not seizure territory

Let's at least try and avoid that

Need logic

Logic

Word puzzles

Math puzzles

Ok, get puzzle book

Puzzle book

Puzzle book

...