Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Westernman]

Hi All,

I will try to be brief.

My wifes Doctor called me in due to suspicions my wife is bipolar.

A few weeks prior to me seeing this doctor, my wife left the family home and took all the children with her after 12 years of marriage. She spent the childrens life savings, she rented a new house, and has convinced the kids her life was filled with unhappyness because of me. We occasionally have meetings with the school due to the childrens poor attendance, the wife keeps them at home 30 to 50% of school days. Children have historically struggled at school due to poor attendance. Wife takes antidepressants/anti anxiety medication but does not seek proper mental health care. She decides when to take the pills and how much to take, ie, if down, she takes an extra half pill. Lately, everytime you speak to her she yells and gets frustrated. She contantly lies and is ever so bitter. She controls everything about the children and will not accept any advice from me, her husband. She wants to raise the children her way and does not want to talk about alternative methods. She smashes plates, throws drinking glasses, smashes frypans, tries to punch me in the face. We sit down together to watch 60 minutes, on the program is a husband attempting to harm his wife, by the end of the program, she is furious with me for some unknown reason, an intence anger in her eyes

My 7 year old son who is normally very naughty, is now listening and obeying my wife because he said he is afraid for his personal safety. He says Mum is crazy  (I did not teach him to say that).

Wifes family have a history of metal illness with her Mum divorced, heavily medicated, no possesions or hobbies and living alone, surviving on crackers and cheese.

Our 11yr old daughter is now showing signs of anxiety due to the separation. My wifes reply to this is "Oh well".

I have always supported my wife over the years, but it has come to the point when my supportive words are simply an annoyance to her and she would prefer that I disappeared. 

My wife's immeidate family believe my wife is perfectly fine, and if she has any problem, it has been caused by me and my family. All others in the family understand my wife is suffering the same issues as her own mother but they would never say a word about it to her face.

Sorry if this sounds hopeless but this is my situation, I would really love to get some advice on how to improve the situation.

Also opinions on if I should just let it roll on and disolve the relationship. 

On a positive note, I am living alone, can see the kids when I like, sleeping better than ever and I am feeling great. My positivity comes from the fact I will do almost anything to resolve the issues, but it is my wife who refuses to seek proper mental health care, attend marriage counselling, etc.

Unfortunately, I fear my chilren will end up with the same metal problems as her family if they are raised solely by my wife. 

Cheers 

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Westernman,

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to the sane forums

it sounds like you are in a really tough situation, what did your wifes doctor suggest?

also what are the school saying at the moment? traditionally schools will get the department of human services involved when a child/children are absent so much of the time..

even if your wife locates the problem as within you do you think that she would be open to doing some form of family therapy? not necessarily for you relationship sake but for the childrens sake to help them understand the seperation and have a voice for what they are feeling and going through

the other thing that I was thinking is now that you are able to feel a little lighter perhaps you can set up a regular custody arrangement with the children so that even if they dont have consistency at home that can have it at your house

I am not sure if you have seen this thread but there is one about supporting a partner with bipolar here that @Annie2 and another thread about someone trying to help their wife through MI here that @ivana had some good ideas about

Have you considered carer support groups? There are tons of these types of groups around, and the strength lies in talking to other people that may be going through the same or similar issues as yourself. Sometimes this can be the best therapy.

I have also done a search and have come up with this organisation you may wish to contact (they have offices in each states around Australia).

http://www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/partners/mental-illness-fellowship-australia-mifa

There is also Carers Australia that may be able to help you and here's the link:

http://www.carersaustralia.com.au/

I wonder if anyone else has any ideas? 

[-karma-]

Welcome @Westernman

thought you might like to follow this thread;

https://saneforums.org/t5/Our-stories/Husband-of-bi-polar-wife/m-p/27133/highlight/true#M1612

and maybe chat to @workthisout who is the husband of a wife with bipolar?

Knowing your are not alone.

[PeppiPatty]

DEar @Westernman

When you wrote your story, I felt that this is how I was brought up. My Mother would kick me out of home: rip me to pieces: she would single me out because I was her only daughter. 

I love that you realise that it's about the kids. IF I had support those many years ago, I can see how different my life would have been. 

I wanted to move out of home by the age of 12 years old. If I had that choice, my life would have been very very diffeent. 

On my oldest son, who had a terrible teenage years :  I had no idea of the abuse that he was dealing with living with my first husband : my Father was paying for him to see a Psychotherapist every week. This has set him up in a routine of seeing a paid PSychotherapist while he is dealing with bi polar himself: I think that he has it because his Father has it.

I had no idea of the abuse that my son was dealing with even though I demanded that he had dinner with me every week. I used to tell him that I love him and he was always welcome to come home. 

he did end up coming home and and my brother paid for him to fly over to another state and live with him, he was so lucky. He had a lot of space to get through all those memories. I missed him terribly but he was happy and thats all that matters.

Thank you so much for your message, you are helping me work something out about my past........

[Westernman]

Thank you for these responses, some definately put a smile on my face which is a welcome change in light of the recent problems I have been facing.

My wife recently agreed to mariage councelling, but changed her mind a day later. This happens often.

Anyway, a few days later, she met another man.

She has been with this man for 2 weeks.

He promised to buy her a double storey house and care for our 4 children, they are takling about having a baby together.

The most distressing thing is how my children are being treated by my wife.

My children say my wife has a different personality since she met her boyfriend.

Children told me my wife says she wishes she never had them (the children), that she (my wife) wants a new start with her new boyfriend. The children feel unloved by my Wife and are constantly crying that they want their old mummy back.

Sorry about all the doom and gloom, but I would reallyappreciate some advice right now. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Apply for custody of the children ?
They are actually the most important people at the moment because they require advocacy and protection. If you can focus on their welfare, it sounds as if the relationship issues will wax and wane in the background, and work themselves into whatever they are going to be by degrees.

There is a lot to manage with four children - I have five - and the distractions and purposefulness of seeing to their care will provide stability for you as well.

I would encourage you to try to keep as many of the household routines that have been intact as they were to help with transitions, and if you end up sharing custody in the future, in the event that your wife seeks help and stabilises, the kids will be better able to manage their two homes.

All the best @Westernman ....

[Appleblossom]

Definitely apply for custody of your children. I agree with former post about maintaining your own household and routine and stability.  The courts may come to a some shared situation, regardless, the children will be better for decent contact with their biological father.  Even though things seem desperate and your children are also in a tough situation, separation can be managed and dont let the fear of what might happen overwhelm and defeat you.

Little things can make a difference.  There will be various obvious and subtle supports if you keep your eyes open for them.

My dad died when I was 11 and I have always had some sympathy for men in this situation.  

Yesterday I encountered 2 yourng families.  In both cases the fathers were gently trying to manage behaviour of a small child of 4-6.  One was in the train and the other in a church.  In the train situation the mother repeimanded the father, but I thought he was doing a good and necessary job, and it was very mild. I made an observation to the little boy, just telling him that "I could see him" and we all laughed and joked with the children too and the father relaxed and gave the baby and the boy looks of love. That family may or may not have been in strife, but in the church was a man, of gentle disposition and alone with 3 small children and one a bit acting out in autistic manner. I thought he was probably separated and bring the kids to church as a last resort.  Litlle one ramped up the screaming and I gently joked and intervened and he toned it down, the father was relieved and the older girl noticed the interactions and nodded her head.

it is my way of helping.  

Do you what you honestly believe is right and dont give up hope because your kids need you.

[Westernman]

Thank you all for these supportive responses.

Its has been a few months since my last post and I thought I should provide an update.

One month after my original post, my ex met another man and her attitude got even worse. She began to reject the children in favor of this man and it really caused my children to feel an intense pain. It's been killing me to watch my kids experience this. By day 6 with this new man, my ex was saying that they would get married, buy a double storey house and have a baby together, and she was saying this all infront of the kids.

The ex punched me and the police put an intervention order on her. She now has a counter intervention order on me which means I cannot go to the home to help the children when the call me for assistance.

The ex is also doing anything to destroy me, making fause allegations to the police, etc.

We have a 50/50 shared care arrangement, and everyweek without fail, she threatens not to hand the children over. Yesterday, she approached my poor old mother at the local shopping centre, argued with her and tried to take our children off her. I had to run through the shopping centre and try to sort out the mess. Security approached, the kids were crying and everything, it was so dissappointing and embarrasing. 

Advising her, is what must be, the most unethical lawfirm in the country, I receive the most dishonest letters from her lawer, loaded with false allegations, making divorse even harder than it needs to be.

Anyway, as I think about how to move forward, I cannot help but think that I gave her all the things she wanted, such as money to make her own start, her space and independance, I got back the love of my children as she asked me to do (she had totally turned some of them against me prior to leaving our home), repaired her car, gave her additional money, etc. It just seems she is never happy and whenever things go wrong in her life, I somehow become her punching bag.

Money seems to be the main problem for her, but I just cannot keep giving her hand outs, I must also think of my future and the future of our kids.

What could possibly happen next? Her actions continue to upset life for me and our children and I just wish the turmoil would end

[Faith-and-Hope]

I am sorry to hear things are getting so ugly @Westernman .... and it becomes very confusing for the kids. Keep to your integrity, and at your house keep bedtime, bath time, mealtimes, reading time, etc all in roughly the right place in the day. It will provide some stability when the kids are at your house, and these patterns will help them cope throughout their life .... just to keep taking baby steps through the day, and self-caring in doing so .....

I hope things start to settle down soon. It sounds very taxing.

[Westernman]

Thank you for the reply.

I will take your advice.

I don't know what the future holds, but I hope and pray the family court recognise the unnecessary trauma she is subjecting the children to.