Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Grasshopper3]

I have a question: my son has an aunty who insists she gets an apology of him. My son cannot remember he said anything wrong.
They haven't seen eachother for well over a year.
She is refusing to come to our new house, not until he has apologised. I told her the last time tbey spoke he was suffering from acute psychosis and he just can't remember. She feels she is been made out to be a liar.
I have known her and her hubby for over 30 years. We all have been husrt by her brother, my sons father and no one has contact with ihim anymkre either.
Is my son going the same way? Losing family as he has a mental illness?
Do I still go and see them, without my son? I have done in past and even on my birthday I could not invite my own son as they don't want to see him unless he apologises. Now I refuse to visit them unless he can come too
Are they being too rough on him? I think they are as he has improved so much since lasf year... He went to hospital and has been on meds since June last year I am so proud of him.
Thanks for you time
🌷

[Grasshopper3]

My daughter, who lives is QLD w

[Grasshopper3]

My daughter, who lives in QLD tells me they don't understand the mental illness. Unless they learn about SZ symptoms, they will never 'get it....

[Jo]

Your son's aunt needs to educate herself on mental illness and the complicated and difficult -to- understand- behaviour that goes with it. It's very important that family members understand  it's the illness speaking/behaving, not their loved one. It is common for someone living with a mental illness to say things whilst not well, but have no memory of doing so afterwards. 

[Former-Member]

hello @Grasshopper3 

I believe that your son's aunt is putting unrealistic demands on your family.

This person is not respecting the dynamics of the relationship with your son.

Your son is a human being who has rights and needs to be treated with respect. This relative is not respecting him or you for that matter. Her attitude of demanding an apology sounds as though she might be struggling with her own feelings, guilt? Only she can sort that out.  It sounds as though you have known her for a long time. How is her behaviour normally? Is she a closed book with the belief that she is always right?

Another way of looking at it would be : if the person was not a relative, would you invite them with that behaviour?

Personally, if  this was about myself and my son I would be respecting my son's journey in determining whom I invited into my home, relative or not.

I know that when the time comes where my son will let me see him and offer support, I will be very selective with whom I give information of his whereabouts. In fact he will make that decision as it is his life.

Finally have you asked your son this question? What was his reply? What sort of a relationship does he feel he has with her also?

Hope that helps, in my experience family have only got in the way, none of them are helping me through my situation.

[Grasshopper3]

My son says why should he apologize, he says he doesn't want to see them ever again. He says he can't remember anything to upset them this much. History repeats. His dad also argued and rejected everyone until we were totally cut off from everyone...
His aunty who I have always considered my best friend, still doesn't want visit us. I have asked her to come and have a look at our new place but she refuses. She said I don't understand...
I just let them be, I can't force them to come over and be supportive of us.
It is what it is...

[Jo]

Yes, it's probably best to just let things go. If you're able to do that, you'll feel freer and more in control of your life. Very sad though. I'm sorry. 

[Grasshopper3]

@Jo. Thank you.
They were my only bit of 'family' left in Australia. But I have SANE forum now and have made appt. with a psych as I will be needing all the support I can get myself in this challenging carers roll.
In a way I'm so greatful I have a full time job so zi interact with other people and I'm able to support ourselves financially.
We soldier on.
Take care
🌷

[Former-Member]

hello @Grasshopper3 @Jo

Very difficult for you as we all like to have family connection.

However, some families are renowned for misunderstanding and not bothering to look into how the illness can affect an individual. I have distanced myself from certain toxic family members on my husband's side.

You are a loving mother and putting the needs of your son above her needs. You are strong and he will recognise this. This unselfish reaction will only serve to increase his trust and bring him closer to you.

This is the situation now. Time might change her reaction. She might as the storm passes, recognise how strong you are and that perhaps she could have handled the situation very differently. She might not.

We cannot change how others think. We can look after ourselves and our loved ones though.

You are so brave.

Yes keep writing on here.

It helps you and at the same time, I find that in reading other's situations it helps me too.

A circle of trust

take care

[Grasshopper3]

@Former-Member, @Jo,
It helped me a lot typing this issue down. It might seem so trivial but has caused me sleepless nights. I feel rejected and sorry for myself at times and it has affected my work too. I can not take a lot of criticism and have had meltdowns too.
That's what promted me to seek professional advice, I sometimes feel s bit 'schizo' myself.
My ex partner has told me I was, he made me feel I was making wrong choices all the time.
I was stupid for taking my son out for lunch, crazy for wanting to see him at least once a week. He was not allowed in our home, he was nothing but trouble, don't help him he will back stab you and he doesn't appreciate it, he is just using you, I'm so disappointed in you..... It went on and on, so I pulled the plug, and offered my son a roof over his head and food in his belly and cut ties with my partner, I don't need him or tell me what to do. He said he wasn't trying to choose between him ir my son, but I felt he was, then he said I only want what's best for you and if you get involved with negative people, they just drag you down...
So I have had to push these people out of my life and guess what, my son and I are going camping for few nights again!
I woke up this morning at 7am and found my son in the kitchen making himself something to eat. He hadn't slept all night and he has a cold. He said but mum, wake me up at 12pm. so we can still go camping. But you can drive, I'll be too tired!
Sounds like a plan son, we'll do that.
I am grateful he is safe and sound with me and he realiizes if he's tired, best not to drive.
As I said, if he stays medicated, we can show the people I thought were important to me, that we CAN do this, we don't need their critizism and negative remarks. I stay strong and positive and even have fun moments together with my SZ son!
Last night he was actually SINGING, I recorded him because it was very funny, he sung to the song he was listening to on his iPhone 'Aqua and he sung in real high pitched voice to mimick the girl and then changed his voice to real deep growling voice to sing like the male singer.... We both giggled and sang together and it's sounds perhaps silly but whatever works hey?
I hope you have had more contact with your son @Former-Member. Is he still reported as 'missing or has he now been taken off by Police as he has made contact?
Take care
🌷