I reflect on my years with Sane Forums with shame and knowledge of how much I've matured.
About 10 years ago, I was searching the internet for any information on someone I am impressed with, Ann Devenson. The book Ann Deveson wrote is about her son is called "Tell Me I'm Here: One Family's Experience of Schizophrenia". It's a powerful memoir that explores the challenges of raising a child with mental illness.The copyright date is 1991 - it was as if it was written yesterday. Even though my husband was not my child, I identified him and his journey in Johnathon, Devensons son. It gave me this understanding through her words.
It impacted me so much as I had been looking for support being married to someone diagnosed with schizophrenia.
I googled an organisation called Sane where several of us ...writing in were asked to write on a volunteer forum. There were about 15. I asked permission to my husband if I was allowed to write about him.
My emotions were high, I felt so honoured. I felt it was a groundbreaking idea and I eagerly signed on.
Never did I imagine........ The joy and confidence I felt of a group of people were interested in me. My most important objective was to write positively. People wrote back. But my youngest son was ill. It was so painful in what was happening in my life, I refused to look at me. That took 8 more years.
I read and answered posts. I was empathetic and I was written to how much I cared, how good I was.I wrote my interpretations to the organisers as I was studying Psychotherapy. Too much.
One or two people formed very positive relationships with me. I would stay up all night writing. It was liberating. I felt that
I was cared for. I felt special. I felt I was important and loved.
I developed better coping skills. Often, my life was crumbling. I would read and take all advice. From the personal problems I was having with my sons, my relationships with my parents and being an outcast with former and present friends, I felt Sane f orums understood me. I didn't look at my life and own my own problems having permanent injuries from a major head injury.
I was not learning how to care for me. I was interested in advice but my own life was falling apart. I had quit therapy and my husband was out of control. It wasn't his fault. It was his illness. I didn't have physical friends but I had friends on Sane forums.
The original organisers had both moved on. I was angry. I was exhausted. All the good of Sane forums were not touching me. Was I going just a very little bit psychotic because of the stress I was under ?
I wrote in and explained my issues and asked them to completely cut me out. To delete me and to lose my profile.
That was May, year 2019. I was confused and stressed - Sane forums had taught me the ABC of staying safe. I had naturally implemented these skills in my life but I was defensive. In my eyes I had never achieved anything to the world. In my eyes, I had lost my home, both my sons had left me at 15 years old, I had zilch in my life to show the world. I was nothing. A zero.
I didn't connect how to live my life well. It was like my body was all seperate limbs. My ex husband was very ill. With past Sane forums support, I realised i needed to go but it was tough.
In 2023, I wrote a hi. But in 2024, I came back. I had learnt from years 2016-2024 how to feel my self.
It had taken returning to therapy and divorcing my ex-husband and lots of hard therapy sessions to start working out how I felt.
Through my journey, I've learned the power of advocating for myself, understanding my strengths and weaknesses, and embracing vulnerability. By letting go of defensiveness, I've opened myself to growth Ultimately, I've discovered that being open to change is essential for personal development. Embracing new perspectives and adapting to evolving circumstances has allowed me to thrive, even in the face of challenges.
It's a new journey I'm on. In the past, I wanted to show off where I felt my strengths were. I used to think it was all about just addressing the ego and being open to change but it's more than that. I don't venture out on every thread to put my bit in because my mental health gets too stressed. My sons are back in my life and thats the most important thing. I recognise that I can get too involved with someone's issues which is damaging for me so I'm probably learning how to be more gentle.
I so enjoy being on Sane forums not to feel important or feel cared for anymore but to keep up my special friendships going and to learn from others. In writing in it makes me feel pretty special.
