Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[sonnenschein]

Hi, this is my first time posting and I am looking forward to meeting people with similar experiences. I want to first share my story (I will make it as short as possible) and then I need advice on what to do next.

M were together for about 8 years before he had his first major, crippling depressive episode. We were together since we were 16 and during that time, he had been diagnosed with bipolar and it is rife within his family. He had many episodes of depression, but nothing as bad as what was to come. Because we were so young and didn't know anything about depression, I often thought he was just being a jerk. I now know different. Anyway, when the breakdown came, I stayed with him for a further 2-3 years. We were always close but I ended up being completely involved with his depression to the point I had no life or identity of my own anymore. I read as much as I could about it, I stayed in bed with him and took time off work because I was so scared that he wouldn't survive the day if I left. When I did leave him, I was constantly calling or messaging to make sure he was basically still alive. If he didn't answer I would get onto his family and become super anxious. I started seeing a psychologist because I was crying all the time and struggled to get out of bed, which is the opposite of how I really am. She said I needed to back off basically, but it is easier said than done and I wasn't in the right frame of mind.

So after 2-3 years of this I finally had my own breakdown and I also ended the relationship, 6 months after our 10th anniversary. This was 2 years ago this month. During this time, I have experienced depression and isolation myself. It has been a very slow process of rebuilding friendships and working through my own issues but I am now on track to being a better version of myself. Thanks largely to meditation and mindfulness, I have my own life and ambitions again.

M contacted me just over 6 months ago, totally out of the blue. He wanted to show me how well he was doing and tell me about his new job he was about to start- the first in 4 years. 

Since then, we have both admitted we still feel exactly the same about each other and when we are together, it is just like how it used to be. So lately we have been talking about getting back together. He has been feeling really stressed about it and I didn't understand why until last night when he told me that he is worried that we will end up abck where we were a few years ago if it happens again and he is scared that he won't make me happy in the future. 

I have told him multiple times how much I have learned since we broke up, about depression and about what went wrong. Now I know the signs, now I know that I should also look after myself and not cut ties with everyone else.

But at the moment, he isn't in the right frame of mind to see anything but the negative. I am going away next week for 5 months so I said to him today that we should just forget about talking about the future and just go back to talking about our day and everything like we have been every day. Just get rid of the pressure and all that. 

I just can't give up on us and him and I can't let the depression win again.

What do people think? Does anyone have any advice for how to be in a relationship with someone who suffers this and how we can make our relationship progress? I want to have a family with this person in a few years so I am in it for the long haul.

Thanks a lot

[querentxyz]

Hello!,

I am here at this site as I am a carer, but previously I had very bad problems with depression, and was hospitalised a number of times, and had discrete psychotic events. I was first thinking of suicide when I was 9 and I am now in my early 30s. My most acute episodes were in my early 20s and I have recovered very well since then.

Building my life from out of depression has been truly, very hard work, so much so that I think that even though I have achieved a great deal and I now function very normally in daily activities, my depression has defined my life. I have had to work to build all sorts of things from scratch, like my sense that I could achieve something meaningful in my life, my ways of thinking optimistically about life and other people (with the CBT type toolkit), and also my educational qualifications, and to find a direction for myself that would lead towards a sustainable future. I am a postgraduate student writing a research thesis that is coming first in my class. I think that I have achieved huge success and I am very proud of what I have achieved.

I think that when you go through a very deep depression, it's something that's going to be with you always. Yesterday I was doing the dishes, and out of nowhere I realised I was talking to myself out loud and my voice was telling me to go into the street and get hit by a car. My brain is compulsively suicidal. It's something that I just laugh off, but at the same time, it's part of who I am and it will always be with me. I used to wish I could make it go away, but I realised I had much better outcomes when I accepted that it would always be with me. It's not such a big deal as long as I manage it properly - after all, many (if not most) people have ongoing health concerns (especially as we get a bit older).

I think as a person with depression you can have excellent outcomes and quality of life, but it's always going to be there. I think that your dear friend, would need to be committed to a process of building a life and a future and a self of his own that is independently robust as well as including you in his life, and to managing this part of himself on an ongoing basis. I think you would need to see this level of committment to dealing with these problems in your friend and really make sure that he is involved in his recovery and health-management processes in a longterm way. Otherwise, you may find that the security and partnership that you are hoping for will not be there in a way that you can depend on.

These are just my own personal thoughts, please use anything that is useful to you and throw the rest away. I hope you have a happy life!!!!

[JoseJones]

Hi @sonnenschein,

Firstly, welcome to the forums!  There are a lot of people on this forum who have been caring for partners who've suffered depression, so you''re certainly not alone here.  

Thank you for sharing your story.  It sounds like you threw yourself headfirst into the task of caring for your husband, and really immersed yourself in it.  By the sounds of it, that brought with it its own problems but I think it's probably also a testament to your compassion and your capacity to care, and that's something to acknowledge as well.  It must have been awful going through your days wondering whether he was still alive - awful in ways that I cannot even imagine.

I'm glad to hear that you've been able to build yourself back up after your own struggles with depression.  It sounds like you've emerged from the experience with a different outlook and much greater understanding about yourself, about depression and about how to manage its occurence.  It must have been an arduous journey sometimes, but I'm glad you came out of with valuable new knowledge and insight.

It's a tricky position you're in right now.  On the one hand, it must be exciting to be going away, and to be reconnecting with this person whom you have loved.  It sounds like you're experiencing your relationship with him with a freshness and ease that was typical of the early part of your early association, and have had access again to the person he was and not the illness he had.  

What sort of things do you think you would do differently this time?  Do you think you'll be able to keep the networks you've rebuilt and keep living the healthy way you have if his needs become urgent again?

You might get some value from reading the Wives Caring for Husbands thread to gain some insight into other people's experiences of caring for others here: http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-stories/Wives-caring-for-Husbands/td-p/9171/page/2

Various others on this forum have also been carers for their partner. Do @Tatsinda @lucky @cheersquad @MrsC @Shaz51 @Violet @Carer101 @GivingMick and @Alessandra1992 have some insight they can offer?

[sonnenschein]

Thank you so much for sharing your story and giving me some more insight on what people with depression need to do to get their life back on track. It gives me hope to hear these stories 🙂 M says that he wants to work on himself, which is great and I fully support. He has been off medication for almost a year and his recovery actually came after he stopped with the meds. I saw how many he tried and the effects they had on him, it was really awful and made him a lot worse.

Now he is trying to stay healthy through lifestyle changes, such as diet and exercise. I have suggested to him that he try Mindful CBT and have given him the name of a workbook that I am also working through. Meditation has helped me so much and he is open to it as well, it is just getting started and being motivated that is the hard part. I figure, it is best for both of us if I just give him the ideas and any resources I come across and let him try what he wants when he wants, rather than push him into it.

How has CBT helped you and how did you get into it? Did you read books and do self help or do it through a doctor?

[sonnenschein]

Thanks so much @JoseJones for your resonse. Although he is not my husband, I want him to be in the future and we were together long I suppose! 

It is nice to see the real him again, but he is not all the way there yet and still has a few bad days (such as now and the last 2-3 days since we had the conversation about us and our future) where he hardly speaks to me. He is also interstate for work at the moment so it is really a testing time. 

I have noticed however already, that I don't think about him all day like I normally would and I just carry on doing my own thing. I text him if I have something to tell him, but I am not checking on him or messaging to see if he is out of bed, eating, working, etc like I used to in the past. I figure he will call me again when he is ready. It is still really hard and really I worry that he will just never speak to me again, but really I know deep down that he will.

I guess, along with this, I know that it will be different because I am happier with myself in general. I have good routines with exercise and meditation and I have good relationships with my family now that I didn't have at that time. Even when he was home a few weeks ago, we didn't see each other all day everyday, I was actually still aware that I wanted time to myself and made other plans. I am by nature a very independent person and the last 2 years have allowed me to gain that again.

The other thing that is different is that I talk more and share more. Last time, I didn't tell anyone what was going on with him for a very long time. Now everyone knows anyway so it will make it easier to talk about any problems that do come up. And also, joining this forum is something new, as I have never spoken to other carers or partners about what they go through so I felt really alone. This way, if I have a problem, I would come here rather than hold it in or take it out on him.

If he does get into another deep depression, I can't guarantee that it won't affect me at all and I will probably need extra help. But I will know to see a doctor early if I need to and I figure by doing all of this stuff I have mentioned now, if that day comes, I will be very prepared for it. I want him to work on himself, but I can't control that and I don't want to push him and am worried about getting too invlved again. But I have learnt that I can control my life and how I react to the situation. I am really scared of it happening again and there will always be bad days, but for me dealing with the depression is better than not being together at all.

Do you think this is a good way to handle it? Are there any other things that I could do or can people recommend to what degree I should be involved when he is depressed and in his recovery? 

[querentxyz]

I thought what JoseJones mentioned about making a plan for what to do if the acute phase happens again is a really really awesome idea. I think a part of what makes it so difficult when these times happen is that it is all so unexpected and you never know what to do, what kind of action to take, or where to turn to for help. Even if it never gets that bad again, it's still good to think about what you would do if it does.

It's awesome that he is doing well without medication. I needed to get off regular medication in order to get my life back on track also. Meds can also be a consideration for an acute time and the right medication can really give you a huge boost when you are really down. They are different for everyone and it can take a lot of experimentation to get the right one. I went through half a dozen medications that did nothing for me before a brilliant doctor (not a psychiatrist) hit on one that is not usually used to treat depression, but that was so right for me that it completely changed my life. Although it sounds like he is moving past that kind of time now into rebuilding stages. But anyway, it could be good to make a list of medications that have not worked in the past and reasons why they have not worked, so that if there is ever a reason to discuss medications again, it will be easier for health providers you work with to rule out medications that have not worked and decide which medications are the right choices.

I think I came into contact with CBT as a part of the dialectical behavioural therapy program at the hospital where I was an inpatient a few times. My first hospitalisation was not voluntary and I would not have survived without hospitalisation. I tended to see things very pessimistically and negatively and these thoughts would snowball into this overwhelming avalanche. I think the CBT things helped me to interrupt the tendency for my thoughts to turn more pessimistic by giving me ways to argue the thoughts. Not necessarily to cancel them out or devalidate them, but maybe to balance them with an alternative persective, to get a more realistic picture.

I think workbooks can be a really awesome alternative to the group therapy programs that are provided as hospital inpatient programs. A lot of the content that is provided in hospital inpatient programs is exercises derived from workbooks. It is good to look at multiple workbooks or similar resources and see what they have to offer.

It can be good to find a regular GP who has an interest in mental health as well as general health, in order to touch base once a month or every six weeks.

It has been a long journey for me. I remember when I started on my recovery road I went back to university and I kept failing classes, but I just kept going. I loved and I believed in the value to humans of what I was studying, and it gave me a reason to get out of bed every day. I used swimming laps as well. Do you guys ever do yoga? I need to make time for that in my life again. But what I meant to say is... the important thing is being committed to the journey long term... you just have to keep on going even when it gets difficult.

Best

[Janna]

Hi,

I've just read your thread and would like to congratulate you on successfully traversing a very difficult period in your life. Mental illness is a very, very difficult thing to deal with, especially in intimate relationships. I can hear the happiness and enthusiasm that you have in having been able to reconnect in such a positive way with someone who was, and still clearly is, significant in your life. It's wonderful to hear how both you and he have grown and become more insightful and mindful and how this reconnection feels good and right for both of you. It's natural to have apprehensions about how things are going to go. This is normal and not unique to your situation. The key is to not allow the future or the past to influence or dictate where you are right now or where you may be in 12 months, but to remain focused on exactly where you are right now and "go with the flow".

Having ups and downs is normal in any relationship regardless of depression.  It's part of being a human.  We're not perfect.  We have good days, bad days and suffer with all sorts of things - from physical ill health to mental health issues.  We all struggle in some form or another in trying to find something that feels right and provides us with happiness and contentment. 

Getting your head around depression, or any mental health affliction, is not easy.  Because mental health issues are an intangible, unseen and often unpredictable affliction, it goes without saying that any close relationship with someone that suffers with mental health issues is going to be stressful and will have additional burdens.  As long as you fully understand that this relationship will be coloured by this, then there is absolutely no reason why it shouldn't succeed.  Often our biggest issues arise as a result of the differences between our expectations of what something should be like, and what it really is like.   

My advice to you would be to give this relationship another chance with the wisdom of hindsight that you now have.  I can hear that you would love for this to work out, and I feel that he also feels the same.  Consider going into this with your eyes wide open and as two individuals who through better and worse have reunited to give things another go.  Try wherever possible to view his depression as an illness and not an intentional behavioural issue that is deliberate.  Try not to feed each other with the "what if's" as this is counterproductive at this stage.  It may be beneficial for both of you to see a therapist together so that all these issues can be discussed as they present themselves and help build strong foundations in your relationship.

I think its wonderful for you to be looking beyond his "ill health" and considering that you will accept this as being part of who he is and not defining who he is.  This is exactly the non-judemental acceptance of mental health issues that we need so that we can accept these differences with open arms.

I wish you all the best.  Try not to think too hard and for too long about his depression and the possible future.  Take each day as it comes.

All the best

Janna ❤️

[sonnenschein]

@querentxyz You have also given me some good tips! He has been on sooo many medications and doses that it is a really good idea to write them all down. I think he might have to unfortunately try them again at some point  in the future, but his body was just so wrecked from them all, they were doing more harm than good.

I really wish he would get into CBT, but I just don't know how to get him to do it without nagging at him or something. I have learnt that he really has to want to do things otherwise it won't happen. But it is hard to hold back. Our whole situation about me wanting to get back together and him being too scared about the future has really brought him down the last few days and I am too scared I will push him further away. 

I do yoga but he has never done it. His exercise is walking on the beach everyday, which I think is great for him.

The GP idea is also good. He won't see a psychologist and I think he needs the regular check ins. I don't think I can get him into that though unless we are together. Doctors are a very touchy subject and I feel like I would be overstepping the mark, seeing as we are sort of 'just friends' unfortunately.

Thanks a lot for your insights

[sonnenschein]

@Janna You have really hit the nail on the head! We really need to be in the present day and moment and not be worrying about the what if's. I am trying my best to do that in all parts of my life, but he just can't stop. I have told him that whatever relationship we are both in in the future, we will still have problems and that it is normal. 

At the moment he is just so depressed by the whole situation that he can't stop thinking about all the negative things that could happen in the future. I don't know what to do to change this. I have tried telling him the types of things that you mentioned but nothing changes. I don't know whether to just ignore it all and just focus on being friends and then hope that he will come out of this and decide he wants to give it another shot. Otherwise if I keep talking to him about it, I just repeat myself and he becomes more depressed.

I just feel like we are in this situation for no logical reason and it could be easily fixed and we are wasting more time not being together. But I guess there is no logic to depression and for him, it is not so easy and clear cut.

[Appleblossom]

My son had a pervasive pessimism that really worried me.  Eventually I let him see my more fearful side that included pessimism and he started to try and argue with me to see the positive .. from then on I knew I could relax a bit more.  Before that we were becoming polarised aas negative and positive thinkers .. whereas we are all capable of both.

Yoga and beach walking are both great.