Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Sophie44]

My daughter is nineteen and was diagnosed with BPD at the age of fourteen.  She has also recently been diagnosed with Asperger's, which is something I have suspected for a long time.

She has no contact with her father and lives exclusively with myself and her step father.

This is the first time I have posted on an online forum about my issues and I am struggling to know where to start.

Life is really really rough right now. My daughter rarely leaves the house. She has tried umpteen medications and nothing seems to work. She has an alcohol adiction which is barely being held in check. She has a counsellor but doesn't really do much actual therapy as she gets too traumatised whenever anything of significance is raised.  She self harms. She threatens suicide frequently and has made several attempts. She has no friends as social interaction is just so hard for her.  She falls apart every single evening. She wakes me repeatedly at night to get her more medications from the safe. 

I am so exhausted and burnt out that I feel I am no longer even parenting to the best of my abilty because I just want it all to stop. 

I have a part time job I enjoy and pets and horses that bring me buckets of happiness. I have good friends.  I do take care of myself as best I can.

But my marriage. 😞  My husband and I met when my daughter was twelve. He had no idea what he was in for.  People tell me he is so amazing for still being with me, for hanging in there.  And I agree, he is.  But he is not doing well and we are not doing well.  I am so drained by my caring role that I have nothing left for him.  I guess this has left him feeling bitter and twisted and as a result he is not a happy man.  His job is exausting. He doesn't sleep well due to my daughter being up and down all night. And we have very few good times together any more.  I get that he has got a pretty crap deal of it all.

But the thing that is making it all feel so fragile right now is the way he talks to her when I am not there or he thinks I can't hear.  He denies it, but I have heard the tone and know what is going on.  Sometimes I think he almost doesn't have any insight into the way he comes across. I have no idea. He doesn't get that if he was warm and loving with her, I would be more warm and loving with him. As it is, the colder he is with her, the colder I am with him. We have spoken about this but since he refuses to admit he speaks badly to her, nothing has changed.

He says he will never leave me because he loves me, but it feels so unhealthy I can't see it's good for anyone right now.

Take my daughter out of the equation and I think we'd be fine.  But it is what it is and I have no idea how long things are going to be this way with her.

He has no children of his own so hasn't had to deal with parenting issues of his own before.

I don't even know what I expect from posting here.  I want counselling with him but am so drained right now I don't even know where to start looking.  The one place I found had a three month waiting list.

Maybe I just needed to vent.  I can't imagine I am alone with my issues.  But I don't actually know anyone going through anything similar that I can talk to.

So, thanks for listening. Sorry it's so long.

[nigioc]

Welcome @Sophie44 

I'm so sorry to hear how incredibly difficult things are for you. It sounds like you are dealing withh a lot. Carinng for a child with BPD is difficult enough but, of course, it never just ends there. There's always the flow on effect into other areas. Whether it be strain on marriages or strain on careers due to days off and lack of sleep. There's just never enough of you to go around.

I'm so glad you've decided to come here and share your experience. I'm sure you'll find lots of amazing people with similar stories to share or feedback from a different perspective which can be so helpful too.

🙂

[NikNik]

Hi @Sophie44 

Welcome to the Forums.

Recognising and understanding relationship strains is the first step in finding a solution.

It sounds like your husband is open to counselling - which is great. Nothing like a good relationship tune up. I think all of us need that with our significant other, regardless of circumstances.

You haven't gone into too much detail about the discussions you've had with your husband when you've tried to address his tone and language with you daughter, so I might be off the mark with my suggestion here. As you mentioned, he may not have insight into the impact his tone/language has on your daughter or that there's a difference. So when you approach people who aren't aware of their behaviour, it's important to take out any blame or accusation. One way of doing this is changing your approach slightly.

I will use my own example, because I don't want to make assumptions on how the conversations unfold with your husband. I once said to someone "You are being aggressive". They denied it and actually got frustrated and nothing was solved. My next approach was more specific to an incident and I approached it by taking out the accusative approach by rephrasing - 'When you say xyz I perceive it as aggression. Is this your intention?' It's less confronting and it gently points out that perhaps they need to consider how other people perceive them. We had a good discussion about what they were trying to communicate to me. They were quite frustrated and we worked on a way to deal with the issue before it got to that point of frustration.

I'm not saying it will be that cut and dry - and a counsellor can certainly talk you through some more effective ways to communicate.

Relationships Australia could be an option for you, if the wait for a counsellor is too long. They do face to face counselling with individuals and couples, and also do phone counselling is you're geographically isolated. Here is a map of all their centres which offer a variety of support.

I also hope that counselling helps you to develop a plan on how you and your husband can spend quality time together and maintain a positive relationship.

I'm wondering if any other carers have strategies to maintain a positive relationship with their partners?

It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job with your daughter and I'm sure I'm echoing what everyone has said/will say, which is self care is vital. It sounds like you get great pleasure from your part time job, which is excellent.

Looking forward to seeing you around the forums more and I hope you find them helpful.

[Alice70]

Hello Sophie44
I stumbled upon your message today and just had to respond. As I read your story I started to wonder if I had written it, and hence this reply. Just briefly, my daughter has just turned 18 and has spent the last year hiding from the world in her room. It's been building for years, culminating with the final year in school. She too lives with me full time and has pushed away everyone in her life. To be honest, it has been the Most stressful and consuming and confusing and desperate time of my life. You just can't be settled when your child is not Ok. Friends and family oscillate from understanding to passive blame and unrealistic problem solving. The thing is, there is no real answer, and there is not much that can be done- yet we struggle on as we are mothers and we can never give up hope. I too have a wonderful and loving partner, who is very supportive- although, he does imagine that she can just snap out of it, and if I was a bit tougher and made her do some housework etc etc. We plan to live together in the near future and I know that his tolerance and understanding will inevitably wear thin, and I am very worried about managing this- I totally relate to withdrawing when he is negative about my daughter- and I am trying to learn not to take it personally, however as a single mum you are always on the defensive and questioning your parenting and punishing yourself- so if someone tries to fix things by making comments, it is hard to hear them - it feels like another nail in the you have failed as a parent coffin!
However! It is not your fault and your daughter and my daughter are just who they are. It does take every bit of patience and compassion to face them every day, and to love them unconditionally. I am sorry that I don't have any answers, or even any suggestions- I know you have tried everything you can. All we can do is our best to teach them that they are ok how they are, and to be there to back them up. For what it is worth, this is where I am at right now- firstly, I know I must take breaks from her, or I just can't do it 24/7. I must be strong and not allow her to treat me unkindly- I must not be scared of her, instead I will do my best to reflect back to her the good, and not ignore the bad, as when she is in the world, I don't want her to be shocked when people tell her No, or tell her she is being unkind or rude. I must never give up, however I am not responsible for her happiness, and if I can find a way to support her to be ok, and to contribute in some way to the world- to find her strengths and her gifts- then this is all I can do- and that is enough.
I am really sorry that your parenting journey has taken you to this deeply challenging and exhausting place. I can tell that you are a wonderful and loving mum, and that your daughter is so lucky to have you in her life. You are only a person tho, and our children need to learn this- i am sure your daughter is a very bright girl with so much to offer. She will be ok and find her way. What is most important right now is for you to reconnect with your husband, you need fun time together. I have to learn to not talk about my pain all the time, which is hard when it is so much to hold to on a daily basis, especially when you are sleep deprived. I really hope you and your loved one can hold on, and find a way through this. I'm sorry I don't have an answer, but just know that you are not alone! I used to find comfort as a new mum feeding my daughter in the dead of night, and imagining all the other mums awake feeding their babies too- Well, 18 years later I am still up thought the night with my child, and knowing other mums are out there doing the same gives me strength. It is really hard to function without sleep, and you must find a way to meet this fundamental need- coping with a full nights rest is so much easier! I hope that you have some really good people in your life that can support you with this stuff- being alone is just not an option- reaching out on this message forum is a great idea, and I hope that lots of people respond and extend their love and support for the amazing job you are doing.
We are all this together. xo