Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Pheenstar]

Besides a referral to a psych, is there a better way to help with a disorder.... she is sort of starting to believe something, but not at all to explain her situation correctly....

So this is how I see mine/family situation and so far what I have had dealings with the psych industry.. In short it's very little, I'm 42 and from the age of 20-30 I worked in a prison and every now and then the psych wards at long bay, I saw some serious mental illness there and felt like I had a good understanding of the whole criminal mentality, with out experiencing  any of the bad upbringing, I think I was one of the most compassionate guys there without getting the wool pulled over my eyes too often, From there I ended up with some really good friends that were psych, they were like my clubbing/drinking friends from about 25-30, all from Great Britain and. New Zealand , and from them there were heaps of other psych nurses about. A couple were really high up in management with in NSW, and now back in Great Britain, I remember them saying how far behind we are here, but never really agreed or got into it, mainly they said a psych ward in Britain would never have prison officers in it, so, I always kinda felt I new who might of been a little bit troubled mentally, I think any way.. my dad who was a good guy, flipped a bit when he retired and it was really obvious and I took it serious and he got help, thanks to moving to the country with his sister for a while and getting on medication and he was back about a year later. That turned out good and I credit my auntie mostly for that. Then about 8 yr ago I met my partner, broke up, and then 5 yr ago got back together, instant family... I always knew something was up, but you could never get anywhere cause you were always either defending yourself, just not talking or trying to help her feel good about things but mostly in the end, you avoid her at all costs, as that's what comes naturally, anyway towards the end of me not understanding her she through a couple of spanners in the works, one day I was taken to hospital, seen by a nurse, and then had two psychiatric appointments , (public system) same questions from everyone, do you work, sleep, ever thought of self harm, money troubles, depressed anxious etc, now to be honest, the dumbest bloke in the world would know the answers to this if they wanted to not want someone to know what was up., but actually, I'm all good in these areas, I just wanted to talk about my partner  as I had just worked out about some sort of disorder, at the end he prescribed some medication and when I asked what will it do, he just said help deal with your partner... I just said yes and didn't worry about it, then two weeks later another psych interview, just 5 mins, same questions, told me just to take the medication, and I said, mate, what do you really think is wrong, and he flat out said you are in a drug induced psychosis and this will get you out of it, then every day or two someone would ring up and be asking similar questions until it just seemed to go away, then I got an AVO not really from her, but the police have to act anyway, because she did report it, I can tell u I got a clean record, 42 yr old, the most non violent bloke ever, it was really obvious that it was made up in the heat of the moment, I thought anyway, but  I represented my self and cause I didn't think I needed to cross exam It was still guilty with no conviction, but then and this is definetly my fault , the judge was asking the guy if he wants to continue the avo and for how long, he kinda didn't know the case from a bar of soap, and he went out side the court to ask my partner, she left and didn't wait for the verdict so then he asked me. I said "I don't care" meaning I ain't going to hit anyone anytime but he thought I just didn't give a fuck, and then sent me to anger management and a 2 yr bond.... so I met a lady at community services , explained the situation and she was going to ring my partner and then see what to do, I came back two weeks later and the same lady wasn't there, and the next lady had a quick look over thinks, told me I had 2 choices to ring to do violence against women course, to see a doctor and get on a mental health plan, that where I'm up to in life, trying to get my partner help, which you virtually are not allowed to do , with an avo on me, while having to do the same thing, which makes things really hard when your partners problem is basically to hate on you especially when you want to get help and I gotta do what's right, and she can't really help how she thinks about me, and the process is that she needs to get the help, but that'll just never happen, I asked on the forum for help, it's even against the rules... and this process is the process, I got one chance I reckon to have a go and see to fix this, I feel that I'm the only one who cares for her and the family, I know I'm ready for it, we have kids and it's virtually taken out of my hands to get the best help, and the one person who can give the best information is totally out of the loop. Is it even illegal to get help from psychs, off the record, I would prefer it off the record as she wouldn't want a diagnosis of some disorder with kids, she would assume the worst, I just want it fixed or the best chance of getting it fixed without going through the process over and over, does everyone have to go through this, is there many success stories or does it have to get to depression and craziness before someone will help... am I legally able to pick someone who suits, see if they can get there head around the exact problem and then go through a details plan of the best way to fix it with the least inconvenience and pain for the person, or while every mental decision in life needs to be made for your kids, yourself, and in life in general, you are assumed incompitant to help here... when anyone who know about disorders would know the hard bit is to stick around firstly and then get the person to get help is nearly impossible and when she hopefully says ok, let me see someone, no one is there ready, I gotta say, go and get a referral, it doesn't work that way in this case... 

[suzanne]

Hello @Pheenstar, it seems that you're asking for a way to put help in place for your partner in the hopes that you'll be able to convince her to acknowledge her issue and attend.  And with the overlay of the AVO which makes things trickier.  In one way it makes sense to be proactive and try to line up support so I understand your motivations.  You clearly care about her and your children.

However, Psychologists and Psychiatrists need to be approached by the person themselves for treatment.  Same with physical health issues - the patient needs to be at appointments.  So it might be  possible to have joint sessions with your partner to help them to understand the situation but not to book an appointment solely in regards to someone else. 

The exception to this might be if you can fund sessions privately which might open up more options but even then a mental health professional would be justified in refusing the appointment.  Particularly as it's not possible to know when she might be open to seeking help.

Perhaps all these circumstances are lining up to encourage you to focus on yourself at present.  If you can show that accessing support or treatment has worked for you she might be more open to reaching out herself.  It's like with parenting - it's an inconvenient truth for us all that modelling the behaviour you want speaks louder than any requests you make 🙂

[BeHappy]

Hi @Pheenstar

It's great you care about your partner, but as Suzanne has suggested this might be an opportunity to focus on you. It sounds like the courts have ordered you to do one of two things, get a mental health care plan or do a violence against women course. I suspect that if you don't do one of these actions, it might land you in some legal issues.

Sometimes working on ourselves is the most postive thing we can do for our relationships.

[Pheenstar]

@BeHappy your words sound good, but thats all they are, they are in reality just saying dont worry about the issue, the court order stuff will be done as it is law, and for me it is another hoop to jump through of the many obstacles she creates... , putting someone in a course for violence against women, when im dead  against that stuff would be akin putting a child abuse victim in a class with the offenders, he is not going to feel comfortable, i am doing the mental health thing, 

Maybe you could work on you

@suzanne who i was hoping you were her sister who has asked me to help my partner in the past, but more of a troller was a disappointment, i was found guilty with no conviction recorded, when the judge enquired about if the order should continue, my partner waited in the car for me instead of the verdict, he then asked me how about the continuong the AVO, which i replied, i dont care, meaning, either way i would never touch my partner or anyone... but he took that as i dont care and put on the penalty that i need to seek anger managment that is now a psych plan and violence agianst women course, so im going there because i am forced, im 42, never had a complaint against myself. iM assuming if you have a reply it will be against me, i think if you had any real knowledge of this type of thing with my partner, you would know that its not made up bull. Most things about this kind of disorder have to be experienced and its clear to me that you are stating basic information by the book... 

What do you say to my son is having trouble breathing and she wont give him the asthma spray or my 1 year is constipated and she telling me he has been regular and hasnt gone at all and im in the emergency department, all because she will go with a diagnosis yhat is the opposite to mine or what it really is and stick with this, She loves her boys but at times defending her dis order is her first real love

Can yiou tell me anything that is your experience, feelings or not from a book that would be helpful