Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Kal]

Since my husband died in 2002, Christmas has been a really bad time for my 34yr old son. He has the above mental health conditions, a metabolism which reacts weirdly to medications (so not much helps), and is highly intelligent so gets depressed about being on the DSP. On top of that, he's developed possible carpal tunnel which means something he's exceptionally good at, gives him pleasure & self respect, Music, is causing him extreme pain & he looks like having to quit the band just when it's getting ready to tour. He did a 6 week Peer Support course recently but, like everything else at this time of year, it's finished & he now has nothing till Feb. On a good day, he wants to enrol in Tafe to do the Cert IV Mental Health Peer Support, but he's becoming locked in an anxiety/depression spiral & convinced he'll never manage it because he's useless - born with a broken brain. The positives of finally starting to use his brain again has turned into a giant negative as he now remembers what it was like 😞

On top of this, I'm having to help him out with his rent a bit, which makes him feel really worthless & seems to be causing problems. He's starting to blame me for all sorts of stuff & gets annoyed when I don't give the right responses when he's telling me things. Unfortunately it's really hard when it's your child who's depressed, anxious & suicidal. I've started to second guess everything I say so I don't stir things up, but then get it wrong anyway.

If anyone has some advice I'd really appreciate it. I just don't know what else to do & I don't want to lose my son to suicide. I'd rather he go travelling around the country & not keep in touch for ages even, but his anxieties prevent it at the moment. My brain seems to have completely shut down & I don't even want to think about Christmas, but I have to because I have 2 other sons & their partners & they deserve a nice time. Please help, thanks

[-karma-]

Welcome @Kal

thanks for sharing your current situation, sigh

It would seem things are not stacked in your sons favour at the moment. Such a delicate dance of support.

Anniversaries and significant events are often triggers for people after somebody has died, and Christmas, well it comes with it's own agenda.

What state are you in? I know Mind's recovery college (in Victoria) is still operating during the summer period for the exact reason you mention.

http://recoverycollege.org.au/

Hopefully he wont lose hope in undertaking the certificate, his lived experience provides valuable insight, one that consumers look for. Do you think he would benefit from joining the lived experience forum here??

Even though this previous topic Tuesday (TT) is closed I thought the topic relevant.

https://saneforums.org/t5/Special-Events/CLOSED-Topic-Tuesday-Caring-for-someone-with-bipolar/m-p/58...

Tomorrow nights TT also looks to be interesting, What stresses you over Christmas?

Who supports you @Kal?

best wishes

[Former-Member]

Yeah it's sad for a lot of people, still 2002 was quite a while ago, perhaps talking to a councilor would help.

[Kal]

 Unfortunately watching his dad go through a really horrible 9 months with cancer, & being there when he died, seems to have been the trigger for turning on his bipolar switch & after years of trying to get good help for that, this year was finally starting to have positives for him which is why he's sunk so low now everything's come to a halt  

If his body reacted more normally to medications it would be easier for him, but it never has, so it's been really hard to help him. There's one older medication that seems to be the only thing that doesn't cause major problems, & that certainly has it's issues. ADHD meds helps him focus, but his body adapts very quickly & wants more, plus it makes him feel aggressive. He's very aware of his reactions, so takes days off when not needing to concentrate.

[Kal]

Thanks for the two links, I've had a quick look & they look really useful. I'm giving my brain a sabbatical this morning to try to clean the house & put up a few decorations - I never thought I'd opt for housework as therapeutic!

My youngest son has been away for a week for his 30th birthday, but get back tonight. It's been hard for him to deal with growing up without a dad while having his oldest brother going through what he has. My 2nd son lives about 90mins away plus works long hours so I try not to involver him more than necessary. I phoned him yesterday though & he was really great. He messaged his brother just to establish contact, then phoned him later & talked for about an hour. That was amazing of itself, as they're so different they've not usually just talked. It helped to ground him, reminded him that someone cares, & gave him some hope. He also pointed out that I'm his brother's mum, not a professional counsellor, & it's just not possible to turn off a Mum button   It's something my son has trouble understanding but he was told he doesn't have to understand it, it just IS!

My 2 younger sons are going to have more regular contact with him, & we're all going to try to help him less (me especially, even the super subtle stuff) & ask him for advice etc. He's certainly made huge gains from the course, to see him crash so badly has been devastating. I never thought I'd be messaging my son to ask him to please not suicide certain ways. Plus I had a brief thought that my husband died on my birthday, my dad on my son's birthday. To have a son die at Christmas would be just too much - not the sort of thougfhts I ever thought I'd have - sign 😞

I managed to get an appointment with an ARAFMI (now called Helping Minds in WA) counsellor this morning which will be great. At least I don't think I'll be crying the whole time now.

I've decided I really don't like Christmas by the way - it just messes up so many people these days

[Lunar]

Hello @Kal,

So glad you got an appointment with ARAFMI, how did it go? I hope they gave you some good support.

You sound very understanding of your son who lives far away although still maintaining contact, it's nice that you all keep in touch and that your son was able to understand that you are their mum and not a counsellor, it's important they know their boundaries with you and that you can only handle so much.

I'm sorry however that your son is suicidal currently but it is good you are checking in on him and supportive of him, this is a lot to have going on so please try to look after yourself as much as possible.

Completely understand how taking a step back from christmas is needed, I also think housework is strangely therapeutic 🙂

[Former-Member]

hello @Kal

thinking of you. empathising deeply about having son with mental illness not living with you and how overwhelming the whole situation is.

christmas a difficult time of year at the best of times.

when it was my son's birthday and he was detained in hospital i said i was visiting him on that day and that it was his birthday. He lost it and ended up telling me not to come i would not be welcome and staff would be told not to let me see him. I then spent ages reassuring him that i was coming to visit him, i needed to see him, i loved him, i didnt care what day it was, it didnt matter we could make it any day we wanted. i managed to talk him around which took a lot of effort as he was only at that time diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia of which he is in total denial. he has extreme anxiety as well.

time has moved on, he is interstate somewhere out of contact.

christmas day is on a sunday so you and your son can enjoy your normal sunday together, whether it be in each other's company or just in a phone call. have the contact it will mean the world to you both.

stay safe , enjoy every moment you have with your children xxx

[Kal]

Hi Lunar

Thanks for your response. I had a great meeting with the Arafmi counsellor over coffee. She's great at seeing both sides so I can talk about what's happening without having to do the instinctive "Mum" thing of trying to not make my son look bad! We're working out a few things to hopefully help.

Unfortunately the carpal tunnel or whatever he has is getting worse as well - looks like it's actually from his neck & he's getting numb fingers at times. Took him to Emergency on Wed due to increased pain & tingling, then for MRI yesterday. He thought he might even manage to do his band gig tonight with modified playing from him, but hurt himself unloading & has just phoned in a state of great stress & left. I'm guessing that's probably the end of the band which is just devastating - music is his defining skill & the one thing he's been able to earn a bit of money with. It also gave him self respect. Sorry for waffling, I'm just gutted for him. It had given him something positive to get through Christmas with & now it's gone 😞

It seems like he just can't catch a break. For all his problems, he can be so lovely & caring, but lately it's just getting too much for him. Pretty much running on empty myself these days.  Was just starting to get a bit enthused about Christmas today (bought the food anyway!) & now I'm off it again.

On that cheery note, I'm going to go & find a good book to read 🙂

[Kal]

Hi Mohill

Thanks for your comments. Your description of your interaction with your son sounds very similar to mine. I think it's only his anxieties that have stopped him moving interstate, once he overcomes that he'll probably disappear too unfortunately. Then we'll just have to hope he's happy somewhere. I guess it's better than the alternative anyway 😞

It was starting to look like Christmas day might be reasonable after all, but I've just had a phone call while typing this & he's reacted badly to a situation, due to pain from neck & arms etc plus anxiety, & appears to have imploded. All I could do was ask him to let me know when he gets home. My other son is going to message him in about an hour to check he's ok, & be available if he wants to talk without all the "mum" stuff 🙂

I think the roller coaster nature of it all is what's starting to wear me down this year. I don't seem to bounce back as well as I used to. Do you find that? What sort of coping things do you use (other than chocolate,that doesn't always work!)