Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

hi guys

so im in a bit of a situation and its causing me abit of grief. some of it is my fault but i dont really know how to fix it.

i am a full time carer as well as being a primary carer for my two younger sisters and imstruggling with the pressure to keep it up,

ive been diagnosed with ptsd, depression, gad and a few others but arent overly important at this second ( health anxiety and social phobia). just thought id meantion these just in case they are relevant 🙂

but anyway back to the point.... i dont know how to say no.... and if i say no i feel really bad about it despite struggling with my own issues and pressures

how does everyone just simply say no? esp without feeling bad about it?

even the small things such as my sisters saying 'can you take me outside so i can ride my bike? i cant say no to and feel extremely obliged to just do it. even if im trying to do some study or something else i just seme to drop everything to do what they want.  i feel really bad if i say no and i think they will hate me.

[Prayne]

Hi @Former-Member, I cared for my bipolar mother and step father both with cancer and put there needs over mine because that's what you do when you love someone. It didn't end very well for myself or my children and I still struggle with 'No' or 'I don't want to do that' ptsd is so debilitating and I find it has no rules. Not many people can be a carer and I think your wonderful, looking after both your sisters.

[Shaz51]

Hello @Former-Member, @Prayne 

It is very hard to say "NO" and not to feel guilty

I think that there are a lot of our friends here in the forum in the same situation

there are little things you can do like , if you are doing something or being busy at that moment , you can say "Oh can we do it in half an hour " or "I am doing this , Can we do it when I am finished "

so instead of saying "No " , explain  what you are doing or suggest a little later

[Former-Member]

hi @Former-Member

im the same, i find it very hard to say no. im a carer as well and have younger siblings.

thanks @Prayne fro sharing your story with us 🙂

thats a good suggestion @Shaz51

[Former-Member]

thanks @Prayne @Shaz51@Former-Member

thank you for sharing your story at @Prayne and @Former-Member nice to know that i have some similarities in my life

@Shaz51 ive tried to just say hold on can you give me a second im just trying to finish this or hold on a sec ill do it in a sec im just busy at the moment, and they storm off or yell at me and say yeah right.

today ive decided to go out with a friend today and they are making me feel really bad about it to the point im thinking about cancelling. it was more of a study session and i told them this morning i said " im going to go out about 4 30 so that i can do abit of study and all ive copped all day is " why are you going out" "your always out" " you must ahve a boyfriend" "your going to leave me here?"

and i just get copped the slack all day, i feel bad for going out, maybe i dont deserve to have friends and go, maybe im not good enough, maybe im just programmed to care for people and nothing more 😞

[Appleblossom]

I am still learning on this one .. @Former-Member  a VERY slow learner... lol

[Former-Member]

yeah me too @Appleblossom and i feel very guilty when i do say no

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member I liked your post but not that you feel guilty.

I am believer in self reliance ... so they are learning that too .. it is a plus.

[Former-Member]

thanks @Appleblossom my past has just made me become very over protective. so i guess it a new trait i have to come to term with (saying no )

[Former-Member]

Hey @Former-Member

It takes a special person to be a carer, it is not a job for the faint hearted. And as carers we need friends and support to enable us and to stop us from getting burnt out. Whilst you might feel undervalued, make no mistake, what you are doing is one of the most precious things one person can do for another.

Saying no is something we all struggle with at times but we do have limits.

Setting limits in caring is called making boundaries. These are relationship rules that protect our hearts from being hurt. They let the people we care for realise there is a level of behaviour that we expect.

An example of a boundary could be setting a timetable, scheduling things like homework, play times and meal times and ensuring the times are adhered to. Important to put your own time out in this.

Can I ask if you have any help or support in your caring role? There are some wonderful groups that can provide you as a carer with help and support.

Darcy