Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Kelkel]

Hey everyone,

i’m new here and my daughter was diagnosed when she was 18 with the cluster B BPD she’s now 25. It’s so hard sometimes, especially when I’m at the receiving end of all of the abuse nastiness and vindictiveness. My heart is really hurting and I really don’t know what to do, I feel so helpless and alone, I wish I could help her. I’ve tried and tried, but she just continues to use me as a punching bag. My soul is broken. I will never, ever give up on her .. but I’m not sure how much more I can take🥲

[amber22]

Hi @Kelkel ❤️

Welcome to the forums, thank you so much for posting about what you're going through. 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, it must be really tough for you. 

I'm sure there are many members on the forums that can give you some advice on this. 

Sitting with you tonight, 

Amber22

[Kelkel]

Thank you 🙏

[TuxedoCat]

hey @Kelkel, welcome to the forums. I'm one of the peer workers here. I know so many carers here support family and loved ones with experiences of BPD and I hope you find this a super supportive community.

I hear you. It is so difficult to support loved ones, especially children, with BPD. Learning how to care for our loved ones is a massive undertaking. I thought I'd tag one of amazing members who has had experiences of BPD - hey @BPDSurvivor! If you're up to it, feel free to respond. 

I know for me, supporting friends with BPD has been a massive learning curve for me. Something which has helped me is knowing that the "symptoms" we are often on the "receiving end" of are coping strategies our loved ones have learnt to protect themselves. We might not understand the trauma folks have been through, and sometimes it just SUCKS so much, but it sucks more for our loved ones. As a parent, your daughter, she will continue to need you and your love.

Something I know is in your control, is how you care for yourself. What kind of supports do you have? You don't have to get through this alone ❤️ I thought I'd share a few ideas

• the forum threads Daily Check In Space and Coping Toolbox ( what is in yours to help you cope ) to check-in with other carers
• Your GP to talk about your own supports
• BPD Foundation has some great carers resources here

We're all here to support you. Thank you for sharing your story with us ❤️ 

[Mum22]

New member here . As a parent of an adult daughter diagnosed with BPD this post echoes my own thoughts today . 8 years of trying to support to be continually used as a punching bag its like living with Jeckyl and Hyde. Hiw do we call out this behaviour? End of my tether 😞

[BPDSurvivor]

Dear @Mum22 and @Kelkel ,

I come to you today to acknowledge the challenges of living with and caring for someone with BPD.

I guess I am sharing what I know from the perspective of someone with BPD.

Why we do it:

- we are hurting so much inside and we don’t know how else to let it out; otherwise it will be self-harm

- we tend to only hurt those that are closest to us. All day, we are on ‘our best behaviour’ to the world outside that when we get home, we ‘let go’ and unfortunately, you are the closest one

- we don’t want to be this way. We are really an emotional child trapped in an adult’s body. Our body has grown up, but our emotional self has remained a toddler - that’s why we have meltdowns, ‘tantrums’, mood instability/disregulation 

What helps:

- when I’m heightened, walk away and let me know you’ll come back in X amount of time eg 1 hour, 3:30 pm.

- when I am calm, let me know that that is what you’ll do

- to protect yourself, don’t try to reason with me when I’m heightened. It just doesn’t work

- when I am calm, set some boundaries eg when you yell and ‘abuse’ me, I’m going to walk away; if you self harm and need medical assistance, I will be contacting 000; if you send me an excessive amount of abuse messages, I will not be reading nor responding to them.

- giving me options and ‘inviting’ me to do something rather than telling me to do something. Eg “the best thing is for you to take your meds. However, if you don’t want to, its your choice. I’ll just leave them here” VS “take your meds or you’ll get worse” - this is because people with BPD already feel a lack of control. I found that when people told me what to do, it felt like they were taking away the little control I did have.

@Mum22 @Kelkel , boundaries are the most helpful. We might kick up a stink when you set them, but we are actually comforted by these boundaries. If you stick to them, we will know you mean business!

All the best! I hear it’s a challenge, but today, I can look back and thank those who did not give up on me.

[Mum22]

Thankyou so much for that practical advice . My daughter and I talk
a lot about boundaries but the problem is the boundaries become blurred by sudden changes of mood . So what is acceptable and supportive one day becomes an intrusion in the next . Mixed messages from one day to the next . As an added complication i am also supporting my daughter with a child with a disability so when I am excluded the burden on my daughter just becomes greater . Its like self destruction and i love them both dearly .
However your description of the condition re assures me that BPD is exactly what we are dealing with ,because after 7 years of therapy i was beginning to wonder if she is receiving the correct treatment .
Thankyou again

[Kelkel]

Thank you, it’s nice to not feel so alone 

[Kelkel]

Thank you, Thank you, thank you! 
my daughter has often told me she feels like a 25 yo stuck in a 16 yo body and I never understood what she meant or how she felt to be honest..until now. I do try and out boundaries in place but they are not welcomed as she feels “attacked” I will always love my beautiful daughter and I’ve learned it’s not her I di t like it’s her behaviour and it doesn’t define who she is. It’s so hard because some days I see glimpses of my beautiful, vulnerable little girl who I  Just want to hold, love and protect. She’s been in therapy for 10 years and refuses  to see she has any diagnosis. If I dare bring it up I know what’s to follow and my mental health can’t take much more if it. I want to help her and I’ve tried, I just don’t know where to go or what to do if she can’t see that she has a problem. It’s like she won’t/ can’t accept it. You’re beautiful, wise  words just Gave me some comfort.. thank you 🥲

I’m happy to hear any advice 🙏

[Mum22]

So many families going through this situation , i guess my next question would be “after so many years how can we be confident that our family members are getting the right treatment ?”