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Hearing about those two deaths sounds like it was quite confronting for you, which is very understandable given their proximity to your work and your own passive suicidal ideation.
I hear that you don't feel that you're in immediate danger, though I am concerned as you note that feeling of it coming closer. Do you currently have a session booked in with your psychologist?
Do you have any other supports that have helped in the past?
As @Asgard shared, there are ways to come back from these dark periods, even if it doesn't seem possible to see that light when we're in the middle of it.
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