Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Needhope]

Hi @BPDSurvivor I need some help understanding my daughter’s current demands.  She is currently very triggered and is demanding that I leave my husband (her father) because he has not been supportive enough to her.  She is saying that the ball is in my court and if I don’t leave him she will never speak to me again and I will also be responsible if she hurts herself.  I am so scared and worried.

[tyme]

Hi @Needhope ,

How are you and your daughter?

[tyme]

Hi @Needhope ,

That sounds like a very difficult situation to face.

It also sounds like your daughter is finding some way to express her hurt and sees that it is in somewhat her father's fault. Hence, in her mind, she probably believes if you remove him from the equation, she will be well (yes, she may at first, but that doesn't last).

Another reason for this request is that she is probably very attached to you. When she sees you speak to your husband, it is well known that it can stir up feelings of abandonment and jealousy.

Moving forward, it is important you set clear boundaries. For example, if you do not want to leave your husband (it is unreasonable for this request to be made), then let her know so. When she is calm, let her know "I know you wanted me to leave your dad because you don't think he is supportive. In what ways do you want him to support you? I want to make it clear that I am not leaving your father. What you choose to do is up to you. If you need help for self-harm, I can take you to the hospital. What do you think?"

I have been in a similar situation. Not as someone who has had these demands put on them, but one who made these demands. I was testing boundaries. I was testing to see whether people would choose me over someone else. I was in an emotional mess so I wanted to 'control' things around me. However, I needed someone to stand strong and tell me NO. I needed someone who would not waiver because of my emotions. Inside, I know that whether these changes are made or not, it really won't change how I feel in the long run. My threat to self-harm was because I was seeking control. I was an emotional mess.

At this time, @Needhope , stand strong in what you believe in and what is right by you. Empower your daughter by telling putting it all out on the table what will happen, and stick to those boundaries. e.g. "Your dad is my support at this time. I am not leaving him. I know you are hurting. I am here to support you. If you choose to self-harm, that's a choice you have made. I hope you can consider that I need support at this time."

[Needhope]

Thank you so much for your advice. @tyme  I am so scared to say what is right and i know I am letting her walk all over me. Her threats to hurt self are terrifying. How did you recover?

[Needhope]

@tyme could I also ask a question for my husband too please. He is obviously devastated by her demands and that most of her anger is focused on him.  She has demanded that he never contact her and she has pleaded with me to never allow him to call her.  He wants to reach out and let her know that she is loved and we are both there for her.  Do you think that is a good idea?

[tyme]

In short, YES @Needhope . It will mean so much to her.

In the borderline brain, this 'hatred' has built up. It can easily torn down in an instant with love. If he even send her a message, "You may think I don't love you, but I do. When you are ready, I'm here for you". By doing this, the ball is then in her court as to whether she will reach out.

Small acts of kindness will go a long way. She can 'flip' from complete hatred to utter adoration. And if it does, also remember, it can flip back the other way too.

Borderlines are very very highly sensitive people. When they 'feel', they really FEEL - whether it's love, hatred, adoration.

One thing though, do not 'make' her feel love for her father. Give her the choice. e.g. He is waiting for you, because he loves you. Whether you want to contact him is up to you.

Choice and empowerment is a huge thing to consider. Emotionally, borderlines are often so out of control, that they will do anything to be in control. So by giving them choice, you were essentially telling them they are in control.

Hope this helps.

[Needhope]

Thank you @tyme it helps so much to have this information, we are both hanging by a thread.  She is insisting that the only way she will know I love and support her is by leaving my husband.  It is so interesting to read about the hatred, it is devastating to hear how extreme her hatred is for so many people in our family.  I don’t know how much longer I can keep going.

[Needhope]

@tyme can I also ask, when you where triggered did you ever understand that you had a problem, my daughter seems to think that everyone around her has the problems.  I am desperate to understand.

[scruffypuffball]

@Needhope @tyme 

It is to do with a lack of insight, mentally ill people or people with personality disorders lack insight (a bit like Alzheimer's - people with the disease dont realise there is anything wrong with them), so they will project all their problems onto others.

[Jynx]

@scruffypuffball I'm not sure that's the whole picture. Projection can certainly be part of it, but 'lack of insight' could be a bit of a generalisation. I think it probably has more to do with how the survival instinct needs to try to project the sense of self. It's also probably different for everyone, and each person will need to utilise self-reflection to better understand how they relate to others and to themselves. Just my two cents 😉