Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Ihatesprouts]

Hello - this is my first post. 

I’m late 50’s and although personally I suffer from military PTSD, depression and anxiety, I’m doing OK having taken advantage of many workshops, programs and therapy sessions over many years. Yes, I do have the occasional  ‘wobble’ in my mental Health but with continued psychology sessions, I now have a good understanding of why, what and how to deal with my triggers. 

However, very recently I’ve been dealing with a traumatic family incident which has upset me very much. I don’t want to describe the incident here but can assure you that non of it was physical or sexual abuse. However it was very much verbal and psychological abuse directed at me and I just cannot continue to allow this behaviour to continue against me. 

I have had several conversations with my psychologist and after much soul searching and flashbacks to incidents throughout my life, we have come to the conclusion that he is probably bi-polar and has narcissistic tendencies. I have decided that I can no longer ‘tread on eggshells’ when speaking or dealing with him for the sake of my own mental health. Therefore, I need to break my relationship with him and am receiving professional help in doing this. The first thing is to journal things and then write a letter to him. 

I will never forget him as a parent - he brought me up and did his best which is all any child can ask. However, the difference is that he sees any form of mental illness as a weakness and will not seek help himself. 

So my question to this forum is as follows: Is there anyone else here who has in fact broken ties with a parent and if so, what repercussions did you experience as a result of that?

The reason I am asking is to have an idea of what to expect so that I am prepared. I have no other siblings and he has re-married since my mother’s death. I am confident in ignoring any comments from other people known to us both - I am confident and happy with my decision and others can make their own minds up as it simply isn’t their business. As a narcissist, he is likely to blame me and describe his own behaviour as perfect anyhow. I have never heard him apologise either.

So, if anyone here has broken ties with a parent, I would appreciate knowing of any repercussions that you may have experienced since - be it guilt, regret or even happiness. 

I should also mention that he lives abroad and is now too elderly to travel, so the opportunity for me to make the break is very strong. Thank you in advance. 

[hanami]

Hi there @Ihatesprouts and welcome to the forums.

Firstly, yes, I hate sprouts too! ICK.

Next, thank you for sharing your story. I personally have not broken ties with a parent but there were times in my life I was very tempted. I do know people who have indeed done so and feel extremely happy with the decision despite it being a very tough one to make. I do hope some others can chime in with their experience. I think ultimately it's up to you, which I'm sure you know. But it would be great to get some feedback from anyone else who has gone through this. 

Hanami

[TrojanRabbit]

Relief and happiness after making the decision and sticking to it. I was in my late 20s and thought it was the hardest thing I had done to date. How naive. It's one of the best things I ever did to get away from the toxicity. Trojan Rabbit.

[Ihatesprouts]

Thank you. I keep wobbling a bit over the decision but feel that I simply cannot let this latest hurt go by as being acceptable behaviour. The journal and letter writing has been rather tough but it’s quite cathartic writing it all down.

[Ihatesprouts]

Thank you - yes I have ready had a reply

[luckyescape]

Yes, have for about a year, and moved from Europe to Australia. The distance has allowed us to get back in contact. A broken tie is a chance, to look after yourself and if you want and can, rebuild a relationship on your own terms and with your own boundaries. Due to the distance, I was able to do so, not a close intimate relationship, but regular contact (1x/month). A thing to share and make aware: my mother also has put boundaries in place and allows contact only when she feels capable of having contact. That felt weird once, but I believe we have found a way of acceptance of this. I guess, when breaking contact, it might be worth mentally preparing yourself that the other person is not available for contact in case you want to reconnect . . .  I do not believe our relationship would work if we lived closer than thousands of kilometers from each other. . . Hope this helps, good luck!

[Ihatesprouts]

Thank you for your advice. Yes, I am in a similar situation to yourself although I have already been told NOT to have any contact with him until he is ready and reaches out, so he has already set that boundary. Apparently, then he want’s everything to go back to normal. However, I doubt that he is expecting me to have any boundaries - I have never really stuck up for myself before. This time though, I am putting my mental health first and will be indicating that although he may be ready, I am not, and I doubt that I will be again. I’m writing a letter to him - If I send it, it will be when he says he is ready. I don’t think it is fair to ‘ghost’ someone without telling them the reasons why. Whether he reads it or not will be up to him, but at least I will have done everything I can to explain why.
At the moment, I am so angry but the hurt increases everyday. But it is hurt as to the verbal and psychological abuse, not hurt as to breaking the relationship.
I appreciate you sharing your story with me.

[PeppyPatti]

Oh cool, It's a message I can so identify with. How are you this morning? My name is Just another55yr

I too have had many years of Psychotherapy and many courses. My life has not been linear, it's been a little bit to the side...... so I've had a major head injury, my son had cancer for many years and also my oldest son had mental issues for his teens, and 20s, He's 34 now.

I wrote a post in Carers in that I'm in the process of cutting contact. It's sad : I've dearly wanted a Mum for so many years. Someone to love me. For so many years I've been denying her cruel nature. She bribes me back with presents and money and because I've been poor, I eagerly accept. 

I have a diagnosed Pathological narcissistic BPD mum that I've worked very hard to try to have a relationship with. I have even visited one of her friends to enquire what is happening and she told me that she's been telling friends that I have an IQ of a 9 yr old and I cannot care for my children.I laughed and since then we have become good friends