As a child my mother(yes lower case letter for the m) has abused my all my life with her. As a child you are helpless. She made me feel ugly, will never amount to anything. That I was worthless. That is so damaging to a child. A child wants to please their mum, me I did what she told me to do instantly or would be punished. I can remember curling up on my bed in a fetal while she layed into me, at that time, did not know I was protecting organs or my face. I bunched up and cried. Dad would be at work and never knew any of this had happened.
In fact I can remember things back as a 2 year old with abandonment. Lots around 6 to 8 years old and stories right throughout my childhood. I can land you there with a description blow by blow account of what she had done to me. Like a rerun of a video in my head.
Whatever a parent does to a child, you are writing on their slate. They are learning about the world. I could of gone either way, what if I became an abuser, but I repulsed her so much. See I had a loving Dad, I was his little girl. He died when I was 32 and he was 52. I am now one year old than him. I clung onto the good side of my Dad vehemently and wanted to become him and not her.
All my life I felt different to others. But I have say I have a gift. I can read people. But I will also have a go at you, if your intentions are not pure. Walk away and never speak to you again. There are bad people around us. Took me a long time with therapy to understand it is their words, do not put them in your mouth. I trigger a lot too. If backed into a corner, metaphorically speaking, I will come swinging at you.
Had a friend once say to me, do not double cross D*****. Being currently abused by my ex and police called out 3 times, whatever the police told him, he is leaving me alone, which is a good thing. Trying to find somewhere to live under Government Housing is hard as there is a rental crisis. I need to live with electricity as meds in fridge and I am on a sleep apnea machine. I am a very complex human being.
My emotions can be like Melbourne, 4 seasons in one day or in one hour. Been told many do not want to hear the diagnosis, I am like yeah, now I know. I will begin to understand me and can be me. Got told not to define yourself and I said, No, I embrace it. I want to know all about it.
Never heard of BPD, Psychologist gave me some reading material and said not all of this is you, I read it and marked off about 70%. Because I got an STD wart virus in my 20s, that scared me to not sleep around. I did not sleep around then. Only ever had serious relationships. I am 100% clean. Do not do drugs, gamble, sleep around or drink alcohol. Got told some BPDs often have one of these traits.
Right now I am so scared to live on my own. Even though I cannot live in this house either. I will have problems to navigate the real world. I am on an isolated country farm house. My power I got back, is my phone and the police. I was too scared for them to come out and wanted to talk to someone, so rang them and hung up on them, then I found out, they can trace you to the house via towers.
I have had financial abuse, coercion. I wait my time here, hoping one day to live on my own. Not interested in having a boyfriend for now, just to discover me. Plus if I ever did, I would march our butts, to the doctors and both of us get tested lol. I just want to be alone with me, which is terribly frightening to think about. Decorate the place my way, walk around naked singing out tune without a care in the world LMAO. I dream of all of this, while still living in this nightmare.
So yes, it will be good to talk to like minded people with BPD, in how you navigate this world.
Thank you for reaching out and welcome to the forums!
Just a quick note, I've added a trigger warning and spoiler tag to parts of your posts so that the community can choose whether they feel up to reading potentially triggering content.
Besides that, I just want to share that I can relate to how you feel. Although our childhood experiences are very different, the emotional dysregulation, emotional turmoil, fear of rejection, impulsive behaviours etc certainly exist.
I was diagnosed with BPD in my late teenagehood. I struggled immensely for many many years. It came to the point where even existing was painful. So each day was just a waiting game... a waiting game to die - and that's not life.
Whilst being most unwell, I was often in hospital. Because this was so frequent, I ended up being case managed. As the same time, I was going through mentalisation based therapy which was in Melbourne - 2 times a week - about 3-4 hours of therapy over 18 months. It was very intensive therapy. It consisted of both individual and group therapy. And as hard as it was, and as long as it was, it was worth it because I am in a much much better place. If anything, I'm in remission and it's very unlikely I'll regress.
Honestly speaking, life at this moment couldn't be better. Yes I have crappy things happen, but how I engage with the situations and the thoughts have completely changed.
So after about 15 years of utter distress, I can say I'm on top of things and loving it.
Keep holding on @I_am_scared . I'm here if you have any questions. You are not alone.
@I_am_scaredHello and welcome to the forums. Thankyou for sharing your story and I'm sorry to hear what you have had to endure. I can relate to so much of this and its something no child should have to go through.
I have also been diagnosed with BPD as well as other mental health issues. I hope you find it to be supportive here and that you can connect with others who have had similar experiences.
I'm usually around a bit if you ever want to chat. You are not alone here 😊
hello @I_am_scared and welcome. its nice to meet you. i also have BPD as a younger person but i also understand the Challanges this comes with. i have also suffered abuse and it can be awful to manage. do you have any current supports to help you navigate emotions, relationships, fear and to be there for you?
