Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[St_Topher]

my wife of only a couple of years is displaying worrying and heartbreaking signs - and I have no idea what is happening...her sadness which was a common thing as in every couple of months has in the last 6-7 months morphed into a weekly occurance...she becomes unable to do anything and just wants to stay in bed and cry, she doesnt engage with anyone or even go to work. She tells me to listen and I try, but I just hear the same things and nothing ever changes. She hates aspect of her life and yet seems to want to wallow in the sadness than try to do anything about it..I just sit there and try to listen but invariably it doesnt matter eventually it will become I am a complete  b$%^ard or its all my fault or I don't listen and she is in this predicament because I asked her to marry me. She lives in this town because this is where I am based (although she was moving before we were officially together) which is often overlooked. I am the worst husband EVER and whilst I never pretend to be any good at much, I do try and I try to do as much as I can around the house whilst also holding down a full time job..the other night she had an episode where she struck me in the face and put her fist through the wall, in the process, she split my lip and I just walked away as I know its not her...the next day she was crying and really apologetic and wishing I wasn't around to be subjected to this. She wanted me to find someone who could help her so we went to a counsellor once that week..she never showed up to the second app't and this morning she tells me its a waste of time and she isnt going again even though I want to go to try to work out what I am supposed to be doing.
Its another bad 5 days at the moment...I sat downstairs last night when she had gone to bed and she told me to turn down the volume on the TV and stop speaking to her or else she would put her fist through the TV.   She often gets angry and then it just becomes really personnel towards me...She would happily call me everything the sun, and she knows that I don't like it when she does that but she thinks its the only way to get a reaction from me as I keep trying to not react..I admit at the start I used to be a typical guy and if there was a problem I would just want to fix it, to make it go away..thats something a counsellor I was speaking too from Mens Helpline told me to stop doing as it was making things far worse..so now I dont do that but I have no idea what else I am supposed to do..It destroys me watching this happen to the woman I love and I go to work days like today fearful of what I will come home to..I rang her 4-5 times today as she wouldnt answer her phone...with all things that have been said and the frequency of these topics of how conversation and how she would often wish she wasnt alive anymore I am scared of what I can do...I cant say anything and I know that as I am not professional and the day she hit me I said I am not putting up with this sort of behaviour and then she took that to mean that I was leaving her and it was all so convenient for me to take the easy option...that wasnt what I meant but I HATE that she refuses to admit things are wrong, seek help and in one of these phases I cant get a word out of her let alone anything other than a sneer or an abusive comment to get away from her....I sometimes think she would prefer it if I left her, or I would just let her go....last week we had some money saved up and we bought a trip to Europe hoping that would give her something to look forward too and yet as soon as its 24 hrs old its almost forgotten...and two days later she is just bed-ridden and sad again..
what does a husband do? how can you help her to reach her own conclusions about needing help when my fear is she doesnt want to change anything... 

[St_Topher]

I have just re-read what I have written and I am all about me me me....I don't know whats happening to us that I am losing an ability to just be there for her...unconditionally. I just feel useless and perhaps this is my fault..I love her so much and yet I can't or don't know how to help her and so by simply existing I am making her worse...

[Former-Member]

Hi @St_Topher 

Welcome to the forum and for taking the time to share your current experience with your wife.  I am sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time right now and would like to highlight the strength you've had in reaching out and seeking help on here.  Speaking with others you trust about how you feel is incredibly important. 

You have mentioned in your post you have spoken to Mensline previously and I am wondering what current supports you have in place? I read you were seeing a counsellor however from how it sounded  it was one for both you and your wife? Was this a relationships counsellor? An ongoing counsellor or psychologist just for yourself can be a great source of support and provide guidance, especially in these times where you may feel helpless and lost. 

From your post you have also mentioned your wife became frustrated to the point she has physically hurt you.  I am sorry to hear this has happened and an additional source of support you may find useful in regartds to this is https://www.1800respect.org.au/

As I mentioned, you have shown great strength in speaking out on this forum and please continue to do so.  Given we are not a crisis service below are some useful numbers if you require immediate help. 

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

As if you have used before - Mensline 1300 789 978 

If in immediate danger: 000

Please take care and keep reaching out when you need. 

Kitkat16

[Former-Member]

hello St-Topher
I am a contributor which means I have my own symptoms of mental illness. I do understand how difficult it becomes for our partners as I believe it is impossible for us to convey in words what we are going through. you are in a very difficult situation where I feel that experts need to assess your wife. The organisations mentioned by the moderator should be able to direct you how to get some much needed help for your wife and also how to keep yourself safe. The point that stands out to me the most in all of your comments is that you are blaming yourself and trying so very hard to make things better for the woman you love. You have not lost the ability to love her unconditionally. Please don't feel useless and blame yourself. Your existence is important for yourself, your own family and ultimately your wife. You have shown the depth of your love in being so very brave and opening up your wounds and pleading for some help. we can help you by reading your words and responding. your wife needs immediate medical attention so follow that up with the helplines, her gp, your gp, just keep asking and you will get some help. The trip to Europe probably needs to be postponed as should your wife's health worsen it is very difficult and costly to get medical attention overseas let alone mental health assistance. do you have family or a close friend you can talk to? keep posting on here and someone will respond to you as well. you are not alone with this. we will be hear to listen.

[Jane9]

Hi st tropher.It breaks my heart to hear your story about how much you love your wife and how hard it is living with her ongoing sadness and distress. its great you've connected with men's line and are seeking support for yourself even if she doesn't want to go to counselling. When its all about our partners it can seem strange to write about us but that's what the carers forum is for. It's not easy being a partner. Take care, Jane

[Pridesmum]

At some stage it has to be about you too. ..don't feel bad about that! None of us are a bottomless pit of forgiveness and love. At some stage you have got to have some of your needs met. 

[Former-Member]

yes you are correct and I tell my partner this all the time when he becomes frustrated because he cant fix me. I tell him to just hold me for a little while and sometimes I rock like a child. It really does help me even though I'm crying as I'm writing this.

[ivana]

Hi @St_Topher,

How old is your wife?

She sounds very irritable-could she be going through menopause?

Even if she's younger it might be a good idea for her to get her hormone levels checked.

Has she always been this irritable or when did it start?

Is she just this way with yourself or has she been this way previously like for example with her parents when living with them?

[Shaz51]

Hello @St_Topher

how are you today ?, hope everything is ok

keep in touch, remember you are not alone

Hello @ivana, @Former-Member, @Pridesmum, @Jane9