Something’s not right
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22-01-2020 07:52 PM
22-01-2020 07:52 PM
Re: Still struggling!!!
Hi @Shaz51 , thanks for wanting to be in touch. Things are absolutely unbearable Shaz. I had 2 hospital admissions last year, both of which were unsuccessful as they didn't result in any improvement in my condition, if anything I came out worse. I was in the public hospital mental health unit in nov/Dec. They discharged me knowing I was worse and said they can't help me. Even my psychologist at the hospital, who has also said she can't help me, said the ward doesn't want me bcoz there's nothing they can do for me. I have gone from being a very capable, hard working, independent, fun loving, outgoing woman, to a complete dependant who basically can't do anything for myself. It is absolutely heartbreaking. All of my relationships have been affected, especially my marriage, we no longer have the happy, loving, devoted marriage we once had. I am a totally different person to the one my husband married, and he never would have married this person. He is struggling tremendously to basically find himself a carer to a wife that he wld never have chosen to marry. I am absolutely heartbroken at how my life and relationships have been so severely affected by this terrible malady. They don't even know what to diagnose me with because there are so many symptoms that just don't fit any diagnosis. So it's a ridiculously difficult road Shaz. To be honest, if I'm not going to get better, and fast, I just want to die. I can't bare living like this. Every moment of every day and night is absolute torture. But I don't have th guts to do anything about it. I wish I did, that's how desperate I am and how unbearable things are. I'm sorry to be such a downer.
I hope you and Mr Shaz are doing well. Xxx
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22-01-2020 08:14 PM
22-01-2020 08:14 PM
Re: Still struggling!!!
Hi @Doglover
I am very concerned to learn that you are really struggling of late and that you are expressing in your posts that you just want to die. That must be a very hard place to be in. Are you able to keep yourself safe this evening? I will send you an email off the forums to check in with you and offer your support. Please reach out for help if you need to.
take care
Whitehawk
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22-01-2020 08:49 PM
22-01-2020 08:49 PM
Re: Still struggling!!!
ohhh my @Doglover one day at a time my awesome friend
@Doglover, you can do this my friend and @Whitehawk , @CheerBear , @Eden1919 and I am right beside you all the way xx
my mr shaz is having a bad night tonight my friend
but sitting with you everyday xoxo
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22-01-2020 09:05 PM
22-01-2020 09:05 PM
Re: Still struggling!!!
Thanks @Shaz51 . It's been such a long time of absolutely torturous symptoms, I just don't know how much more I can bare. I rly need a miracle becoz there's nothing and no one in the mental health system that can help me.
I'm sorry Mr Shaz is doing it tough tonight. He's lucky to have a loving supportive wife. My husband just doesn't know how to deal with me anymore..
Xxx
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22-01-2020 09:30 PM
22-01-2020 09:30 PM
Re: Still struggling!!!
@Doglover, I am here for you xxx
I can understand how your husband feels because I don`t know what to do sometime either my friend xxx
but he is there for you even though he does not know what to do xx
have you told him what you want him to do at those times , like just holding hands or just sitting with you xxx
like my mr shaz , sometimes just sitting with him and not saying anything helps him
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22-01-2020 10:42 PM
22-01-2020 10:42 PM
Re: Still struggling!!!
Thanks @Shaz51 . I guess the hard thing is that there are no good days and bad days for me, every moment of every day is absolute torture so generally speaking my husband is pretty fed up with it all and doesn't really want to be there for me. Most of the time he just leaves me to my own devices and does his own thing. Occasionally he will listen and talk with me but far more common is just not wanting to know about it. I guess bcoz it's every day and there's no good days, no reprieve. As much as anything he's probably protecting himself. He's said he doesn't want to end up in the nut House like me which is pretty hard to take. He's doing the best he can but really doesn't understand and I don't think he wants to understand. He just can't get his head around MI. So it is a very very lonely road. It's so hard bcoz we had such a happy loving marriage but now it's more like we are just 2 people living in the same house, but with a burden on him of caring for me. But it's also like he's a single man bcoz he does so much by himself without me because I'm unable to do it. It absolutely breaks my heart what has happened to our relationship. We used to have so much fun and laugh together and enjoy just being together and doing even the simple things in life together. That's all gone out the window now. It's just heartbreaking.
I'm really scared what is going to happen to me if things don't change.
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23-01-2020 01:07 AM
23-01-2020 01:07 AM
Re: Still struggling!!!
@Doglover Hello I am sorry to hear you have been struggling lately if I remember you were having trouble with bad anxiety and depression and also a lot of physical symptoms and issues with medications? I am sorry about the relationship with your husband being damaged. Is there anything we can do on here to help you feel more supported?
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23-01-2020 01:33 AM
23-01-2020 01:33 AM
Re: Still struggling!!!
Warning: Could be triggering for some
Hi @Eden1919 , thank u for ur post and support. You have a good memory. Yes I have extreme anxiety constantly, and severe depression. And ur right, I have a lot of physical symptoms, like it feels like my whole body and head is burning constantly, my legs and feet feel weird, my eyesight has drastically declined, my head feels like it's on fire and lifting off my body, to name a few. And yes I have issues with medications. I'm on more medications now than I ever have been and I'm worse than I ever hav been. My mind races out of control constantly, I have involuntary leg movements most of the time, severe insomnia, totally unable to rest and relax, it's like my entire body and mind is over over stimulated. I believe it's ingredients in the drugs that are doing it because I have had similar experiences in the past with non psyciatric medications before I had any mental health issues, but no one will believe me. So they just keep putting me on more drugs and I just keep getting worse. I've now lost my job, I can't drive, my cognitive function is shot to pieces and i am a dependant on my husband. I also have constant suicidal thoughts and images and at times urges, which is so traumatic. They are there all the time - I believe that is also caused by one of the medications as it started about a week after I started taking it and the medication has a warning for that. Again they won't listen to me. I have had 2 admissions last year, I came out worse both times. The last time was in Nov/Dec and they discharged me saying there was nothing they could do to help me (another reason why I think the meds are the problem becoz nothing works to help). There's much more I could add but that's probably enough for now. As for what people can do to make me feel more supported, that's a really thoughtful question but I don't know of any answer, but I appreciate the question. Thanks @Eden1919
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23-01-2020 01:47 AM
23-01-2020 01:47 AM
Re: Still struggling!!!
@Doglover That is hard I also struggled with medications and side effects so I ended up coming off all of them and haven’t gone back and I do think generally speaking I am more functional off them. I am not sure if I have asked you this before but have you looked into auto immune issues? Some of the things you describe really do sound like things that fall into that category but I am not a doctor. The thing is most autoimmune disorders don’t show up in a normal blood test or sometimes any blood test so it can be hard to find them. As you have said though it is completely possible these are things from the medications. I did a lot of research on them over the last few years read books and as many other quality sources I could find and there have been a number of lawsuits to pharmaceutical companies due to them not listing side effects that they were aware of on the pakages and not telling doctors about the side effects as well. It does happen and some people just react badly. I know it would be hard to come off the meds and it is your choice completely but you do have a choice you don’t have to take them just because they are supposed to work. if they aren’t working for you then maybe they aren’t the right option for you personally.
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23-01-2020 02:55 AM
23-01-2020 02:55 AM
Re: Still struggling!!!
Hi again @Eden1919 . Thanks so much for your response.
I actually believe that the only way I'm going to get better is to come off all the medications as u have. The problem is I think I will get worse before I get better and I don't know if I can handle that. I am so agitated an on edge and climbing the walls now I'm scared I might completely lose the plot and end up in the locked ward, which I just couldn't bare bcoz I am petrified of enclosed spaces and of being locked in anywhere. But I truly believe I do need to get off these medications, I'm just scared of what's going to happen if I try. 2 of the meds are the very addictive type. I have actually requested an apptment with my psychiatrist on Friday to discuss this very thing so it's interesting u should bring it up. I don't think he will approve it though bcoz I have brought it up several times before and he has dismissed me.
I know you can't say what meds u were on but are u able to say what type of meds they were and/or what they were for (not sure of the rules on that)? How many meds did u come off and how did u go about it (with/without psychiatrist approval, in hospital/on ur own, cold turkey/slowtaper, how long it took etc) and how did u find the process? I know everyone is different but I would be interested to hear as much of your experience as you are happy to share.
Thanks so much eden1919.