Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Trumps24]

This is my first post to the forum. I've been lurking for awhile and reading different posts over a few days. It looks to be a great space to read how other people are managing and sharing strategies or stories for peer support.

My daughter has BPD, she's in her late 20s. I read with interest a post from Brodie and felt a pang of guilt hit me at Tip # 10 - leaving the relationship. I've felt over the years (and it's been 10+) I am the only one she has, the one who understands, and forgives. It brings me to tears to admit that's where I'm at.

When things got really bad, I remember thinking this cant get much worse... and then it does. I didnt realise she was also an alcoholic and addicted to prescription meds. My anger and frustration with the mental health sector reached boiling point when I learnt that she has over 500 presentations to the hospital emergency dept. I helped manage her off anti psychotic meds after being told BPDs dont need medications. But she refused to stop taking all her meds.

She is often homeless. I find myself counselling confused housemates who dont understand what they had just encountered. People are generally surprised to learn that she has a mental illness, but then it seems to help them understand that it wasnt them and that they did what they could.

Anyway ... this forum post is about my first anxiety attack. I've been under alot of pressure at work in recent weeks. I've had counselling and have worked on irrational beliefs etc etc. I'm a mind reader ... and it does my head in. Last Friday during a meeting at work my heartbeat went into overdrive, my chest was all tight, I couldnt breath in or out very well, I had the shakes. I've been to the doctor and have a fews days off work. He said to take St Johns Wort for depression.

To be honest I feel a bit of a fraud. I feel I should be stronger than this! I feel guilty for not being at work. I took up swimming a couple of weeks ago for exercise and found that this lifted my spirits and gave me energy. I've caught up on a few knitting projects, fiddled in the garden, did housework and that's one day gone. I havent spoken to my daughter for over a week. I feel guilty for that too. I cant call my grandaughter (who lives with her dad) ... because I'm too sad, and I feel guilty about that too.

Wow, how ironic is it or would it be that I end up with a mental illness!!! Will this anixiety go away? AM I Depressed??? I do have a strong supportive relationship with my hubby (2nd marriage), but this mind reading thing is a little persistent 😞

[NikNik]

Hi @Trumps24 

Welcome to the Forums.

I wanted to start by saying that it seems like you're being *really* tough on yourself. By the sounds of it, you have been there for your daughter through some really difficult and stressful times and have been an amazing mother.

Something you will see A LOT of carers here talk about is self care. Looking after yourself is critical - and there's nothing to be ashamed about putting yourself first. Boosting your own wellbeing will inturn help you continue to be there for your daughter.

It's not a weakness - it's a strength. It shows great courage to step up and look after yourself. It seems like you're wanting to do that.

Your daughter has alot of complex issues from what I can see in your post. I'm sure there are other carers in here who can share their experiences caring for someone with BPD. But I think, before we get to that, you should be taking care of yourself first.

I see anxiety attacks as your bodys way of telling you it has too much on it's plate. From reading your post, it seems like work may have pushed you over the edge. What is excellent to read is that you've started looking after yourself - seeing a doctor, taking time off, started exercising, doing things you enjoy - you seem to be on the right track!

It's not ironic for a carer to experience mental health difficulties - carers are actually at greater risk of expereicning mental health difficulties, - so you're not fraud at all.

We can't tell you if you're depressed or not, nor can we say whether the anxiety attacks will go away. However, continually seeking help and looking after yourself will minimise the chances of that happening.

Most importantly - if you don't feel yourself getting better, PLEASE go back to your doctor. It's not uncommon for carers to counselling and support, so I hope you're open to talking to a mental health professional.

There are some great organisations that are there to help carers too. Organisations like Mind Australia, ARAFMI (there is a body in most states) and Carers Australia.

Does anyone else have any recommendations?

I know @ButterflyGirl has experienced some anxiety attacks and I think she found a phone app particularly helpful. @ButterflyGirl , do you have any tips?

[coffeegirl]

Hi @Trumps24 

Anxiety attacks are not a sign of weakness. It's like getting the cold or flu - it's not a weakness, it's just telling your body to slow down and take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up over it.

It's so important to find YOU. It sounds like between working and supporting your daughter (amongst other things, I bet!) you don't have time to look after yourself and do things that will beneficial to you.

It's so easy to put yourself last and lose yourself when you're a carer. Are there things that you enjoy doing? Are there things that you completely lose yourself in?

Also - there are many carer support groups out there. As NikNik said, ARAFMI and Mind Australia offer support for carers. Also Carers Australia (which is also in most states) are very helpful too.

How are you doing at the moment? Have things improved?

Maybe @Brodie  could offer some advice?

[ButterflyGirl]

Hi how are you! My panic attacks started this year, and I tried lots of different things. The number one thing that helped me the most was listening to all of the recordings in an app called "panic attacks".

This helped me so much, i even went and brought the whole program.

Good luck with everything, and remember you are not alone. x

[Alessandra1992]

Depending on where you are, you could contact Anxiety Disorders Victoria (Adavic), they also have a moderated Facebook page if you use Facebook. There are grow groups all over Australia, grow is a mutual self help Program for mental health..www.grow.org.au and there are group and individual supports available through programs like Personal Helpers And Mentors (PHAMS), and in Victoria, Mental Health Community Support Services (MHCSS)..

[Trumps24]

Thank you for your comments. Last week was pretty tough - in fact this year has been tough, and so was the last! I think you're right on the mark with suggesting anxiety is my body saying it's had enough. Work is particularly stressful, a culmination of events and I've just had to start a mediation process with a colleague.

It's funny how the universe works. If it wasnt for that appointment ...and me getting there 10mins too early, I wouldnt have browsed in the second hand book shop and found a great little book called 'Living with Anxiety : A practical research based plan for managing anxiety problems'. It was published in 1992 and it's really good AND it cost $2 🙂

The meeting went well, and the process might even have a good outcome. I'm feeling more positive as the weekend draws in. I will check out the apps and websites that have been suggested over the weekend. I'm looking forward to a haircut on Saturday, and a not so early morning swim on Sunday.

Trumps

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @Trumps, just to put life in perspective..many carers struggle with their own mental health from the toll of caring..it is hard yards putting other people's needs first..my own struggles with anxiety were directly connected to my caring role..luckyily for me I was able to join a carers' group and a consumer group. My anxiety I would not have recovered without the mutual support of lived experience.. It does get better, and I took meds for a year yo cope with my caring role. I have taken them again about 3 years after my iniial episode. I won't hesitate to go back on them if the need arises again, but I still attend a consumer 12 step for mental health..my group keeps me growing in a healthy community building direction.. You are doing a sterling job...

[Kara]

Hey there,
I don't think I have ever had a panic attach but with all the stress and pressure I am going through and guilt I have felt I found that meditation/mindfulllness helps you recognise when it is occurring and control your emotions to calm down
Maybe give it a try 🙂