Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Edna]

Grateful for any advice/ideas from the community here - hopefully not too off-point.

I am not a carer but have recently become aware that something is not right with a friend of mine and I am not sure what the problem might be and what, if anything, I can/should do about it.

Without going into too much detail, I was at my friend's place last week and she had what I would describe as a melt down.  Basically her response to a perceived slight from me was very over the top- and more like you would expect from a small child having a tantrum than a 50 year old mother of three. This had happened once before about 7 years ago but, as she was pregnant with her third child at the time, I put it down to hormones and didn't hold it against her.  I have been away for the last few years and have only heard second hand about possible 'anger management' issues.  A mutual friend of ours told me she is often very rude to her husband (also a friend of ours) in front of her and she finds it embarrassing when she treats him in such an emasculating and derogatory fashion, but has never mentioned any similar angry outbursts.  There have also been a couple of other incidents I have heard of second hand but didn't really give much thought to till now.

It was a pretty horrid incident - I really don't like confrontation and my first instinct is to run away so I took my leave pretty quickly...only to find all the kids out waiting for me by the car.  Her middle child was really really upset and I felt awful that I had been the cause of such distress.  As she sobbed she told me that none of them understand what has happened but that their mother hasn't been the same since her pregnancy with her third child and that they all know she doesn't mean it and have just learnt to live with it.  So clearly this is not an isolated incident and, more concerningly, it seems to be impacting the lives of the kids.

I know it is impossible to tell from such a brief description what the problem is (assuming there is a problem) but if anyone had any ideas about what might cause such a change in a person I would be very happy to hear it.  And more importantly - what should I do?  I can speak to her husband and find out from him if he knows what is going on but I don't want to interfere or do the wrong thing....or, god forbid, make things any worse.  And if (as I suspect) he is just living with it and doesn't want to address it...what then?  My primary concern is for the kids but I also think it couldn't be very pleasant or healthy for her to be dealing with that level of rage, and her husband too for that matter.  We haven't spoken since the incident and am worried not to let things go for too long.

Would love to hear your thoughts especially from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

Thanks everyone.

E

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Edna

It is a caring friend who seeks to help her friend, and the friend's husband and children.  What a distressing situation, especially with the kids sharing their despair with you.

I am no expert, but it sound suspiciously like post-natal depression to me.

If you can have a quiet word with her husband, perhaps he can speak to their family GP, especially as the children have clearly stated they are being affected, and are being burdened with concern for their mother too.

To err on the side of discretion would also be wise, I believe.  It will be far more difficult for your friend to be open to help if she feels betrayed, especially if she is in denial.

I hope this helps.  I could be wrong, but the husband asking the doctor might be a good place to start finding out.

🌷

[2or3thingsIknow]

Hi @Edna,

@Faith-and-Hope makes a really important point. It is indeed a very caring friend who notices when something doesn't seem right and wants to offer help and support.

If you feel the changes in your friend's behaviour may potentially have occured in the perinatal or antinatal period (as @Faith-and-Hope suggested), you might want to speak with someone at Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia (PANDA).

If you decide to raise your concerns with your friend's husband and he would like to find out more information, or your feel that you might like to find out some more information yourself, I highly recommend a call to PANDA. They speak with many friends, partners and family members who have concerns about a loved one's mental health and could provide you with information, couselling support around how to raise your concerns with either your friend directly or her husband, and also offer you the the opportunity to flesh out the concerns you have expressed about the impact of the situation on your friend's children. Whether it is a case of your friend just being overwrought and exhausted by the inherent stressors of raising children, or there is a more serious mental health concern, PANDA could be an excellent starting point.

Please let us know how you go.

Warm wishes,

2or3thingsiknow

[Edna]

Thanks very much for the ideas - just thought I would post a quick update.  Not much to say but I sent a message to the husband and haven't heard back.  I am going to call PANDA (great name!) and see what they say and then, armed with that knowledge, try him again next week.  

[Faith-and-Hope]

Sounds like a good plan @Edna.  And you get to feel like you can be pro-active, not just standing around helplessly.  Good for you !

🌷