Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Pheenstar]

One day, hopefully soon, I want to get ready to help my partner who I think is morbid on some level, Where together 5 years,I'm not sure how morbid as there are some things that are different from what the book says, we are a young family and I feel one step I need to take is to have a go at helping her. Before I decide to put up with it, embrace it or move on. Thinking about the problems of confronting this to her mental state, as currently I dont think her mental state is that bad. I don't want to make her feel bad and not get better. Certainly no suicide/self harm thoughts, not really depressed much, sleeps good and can handle the kids no problem. So to confront this,kinda want to have a feel for the chances of success, understand the process and where to start, which at the moment, she doesn't think there anything wrong, and I guess I could be wrong.

Is hard to describe what I've been through and how she does it, and to look at her or know her you wouldn't believe it, so I haven't really said to much as it's a bit too intense for most people, and the guy crying about an abusive girl isn't mine or anyone's favourite topic. Am hoping by listing a load of things, maybe someone else can relate, more with experience of males possibily with long term partners with some similar attributes, can comment and some how piece together what's the best way to go...

- from day one the constant put downs, not just here and there, i feel it's her favourite topic and any conversation will go to this. And to defend myself would be just fuel to the fire and would end up her ending the relationship, threats she leaving, telling me to go and using the kids against me. Not this way with others and she doesn't really want that

- negativitety towards anything I suggest... not as bad lately, but the answer was no to just about everything, inability to say yes even... to the point where questions, where the answer can't really be no, are defended with any excuse possible, even if it doesn't make one bit on sence, if I'm getting upset or frustrated with the negativity or react.. not this way with others

No violence, threats of violence, even thoughts of violence, totally no violent.

Jealous mainly to one girl and never a real problem with others, she says she has insecurities about jealousy after a partner cheated on her about 10 yr ago. The person I had not really had any contact with the said person and had broken up 5 yrs before we met and she was happily married with kids, No matter what I said didn't change anything. jealously of other women has not been an issue, but have been busy with everything and simply put, I don't go out anymore.

most conversations, she will put something in there, to pump herself up.. possibly all, kinda subtle but there always

about 6 months ago when I realised, she can't help this shit, I had to focus hard on my son as he wasn't going the right way, u could say, she had no idea what was wrong, or what I was on about, how or why he is going good now, she thinks I was hurting him and she needed to protect him.. she continue to abuse and argue in front of him even more, and any efforts to get her on the same page turned to me and here abuseing each other, through this period, I would say she was at her worst, and was easy to see something was up..

if I get down, which luckily don't happen very often, this somehow puts her in a really happy mood, this nearly sounds paranoid, but it seems true...

i have no trust issue with her, seems faithful and no interest in other men..

after most bad arguments or periods, is a cry where she says the same thing about wanting to be loved and some stuff bad against me and how she is doing this and that ..

same haircut for 20 yrs(possibly something)

hasnt really decorated one wall of house..(possibly something)

smokes and drinks white wine for twenty yrs

we got a dog and dd not take her for a walk for 4 months. (I was sometimes exhausted from work, home late, what ever and then had to take her out , )in my eyes, it sound like a bitch this but not one walk with a new dog, for me is something

sister thinks something up, but at the crunch won't confront her with this

good relationship with the kids

abuse does not have to be a all true or even my thoughts, from screaming that I wish she was dead to you think I'm a bad mother

no drug issues

and a quick history, she German, punching way above my weight, met her 7 yr ago, went back to see her in Germany, then she came here to live, with in less than a year we split, worst relationship ever, ran into her again after a year and Nathan born 9 months later, , the kids have kept us together, there no doubt there. I used to think that she could be the worst partner in history, Now I feel good about her, but not good about our chances, I feeling for our two young sons, her and me and the long unhappy rd ahead for everyone.. plan A ---GET her fixed, PLAN B not her fault, fuck doing the right thing and having pride and defending against the abuse, she can't help it, so suck it up and somehow fall in love and everyone wins, moving on is easy to say, don't think I can leave a 1 and a 4 yr old...

Read over it, many more things, sounds more like a wingy bloke than anything else, I can only say, that I'm not a sook, I have a good head, debatably strong mind, morals, heart and supposedly intelligent, I just work and look after kids is me

neil

cheers if there's some help out there, someone interested in helping us... I'm a do my best to help some others

[Lunar]

Hi there @Pheenstar

Thank you for sharing your story, it sounds like a really tough time for yourself and your family at the moment, there are some big decisions which are being considered and I can sense a lot of understanding about your partners BPD symptoms that you are both trying to work through.

Trusting your partner does not seem to be the issue, but it is coping with put downs and negativity towards your suggestions as well as a lack of trust in you from your partner, I'd like to ask you how that is making you feel? I would assume this is affecting your self-confidence and making you feel inadequate or powerless perhaps? Those are really tough things to sit with and hard to work through.

These could be symptoms of your partners mental health and a way of projecting their frustrations on to someone else, a coping mechanism perhaps?

What do think?

Lunar

[Pheenstar]

@Lunarthis will sound arrogant, and I definetly not, but it hasn't hurt me one bit mentally and if I have even looked at myself mentally about being too strong mentally, I gain a lot of strength from just working hard and doing the right thing and a true feeling no matter what I go through is there're a heaps people who have got much bigger problems. But I want one day a relationship where I feel we are together to face life and our whole family is a team that sticks together, I crave the day I look at my partner with love and we have a happy family... I need that feeling one day, she needs it my boys need it... we all need it, and I gunna get it

[Lunar]

Hello @Pheenstar

It doesn't sound arrogant at all, it seems that you really value working hard and doing the right thingwhilst not taking things for granted as you said there are always people worse off, but in saying that it is not a weakness to feel vulnerable, it can show others a lot of courage and strength to really open up and be honest about how tough things have been so good on you for expressing that vulnerability on here.

It sounds like your family is a really loving one and you have so much care for your partner and boys, I wish you all the best on getting through this it seems like you have a lot positivity and hope which is the most helpful thing 🙂

[Pheenstar]

So actually things might be about to turn, so thanks for interest, I'm about to spend the afternoon looking how to handle the situation,because my partner, looks nearly ready to take that first step and think about help, but I'm not sure,, bout to ring a few places and see what's what,.. she even said she would do this and that, and she is open to seeing someone like a phyc that I find for her... which is super big step after the usual dribble, I told her I don't know yet, I will figure it out, but it's my way this time ,my way all the way,  no one is stepping in with out knowledge or your best interests.. I got another pot going focused on her help more.. check it out @Lunar

[Former-Member]

hi @Pheenstar

how are you going? has your situation improved?

[Pheenstar]

No, everything the same, threats of getting help and not going through with it, also starting to relise help can be translated back to mental assylum, wantung her dead and anything to change the subject.. still hanging in there as always, and trying to get the help ready, so it there is a time when ready, yhen we go for it, as it the help needs to be taken when the opportunity arises as the next hour, will be thrown back at you with a load of abuse and things i didnt say

[ivana]

Hi Neill,

You don't sound like a wingy bloke at all but like a good,understanding and tolerant boyfriend.

If your partner has fears/hesitations about the public mental health system and equates "help to equal asylum" (which unfortunately frankly it sometimes does and it would be naive or disingenuous to tell you otherwise) then would she be more open to seeing a Psychiatrist or Psychologist who practices privately?

Maybe you could do some research and find someone who she will be comfortable with.

It sounds like your partner has some emotional volatility that she needs some help with.

Its important that the children are protected from yelling,fighting etc so as the man,I think you should put your foot down and tell her matter of factly that "from now on we will not be fighting in front of the children as it's affects them negatively".

If she tries to fight in front of them again,simply refuse to be drawn in/engaged and walk away from where the children can hear you.

[Pheenstar]

that sounds reasonable that two adults should be able to do, but it doesnt work that way, she cant stop,  ignoring her wont make her stop, not sure at times she knows she is even doing it, there is no real normal moments, with this, no real conversations.. just repeative basic thoughts that mean nothing... and 

[Pheenstar]

just to note, my kids are doing good, 8 months ago though i saw the damage of avoiding her and not putting in the effort with the kids... so i have a feel of how to manage the situation... requires a lot of attension to the boys... they are naturally calm and non violent, good sleepers which helps, but the oldest one now is back to being happy confident and the best boy around, that makes me want to spend even more time with him as its enjoyable, but i cant slacken off as he sees it straight awayi think about how good he is going and it much outways anything about not having a real relationship by far, but he is smart, he gunna knw something not right soon, I tell him No maTTER WHAT YOU ARE ON YOUR MOTHERS SIDE.