HI all
I ll preface this with a trigger warning just in case but I have to offload. I had emdr #16 on Friday and Im not travelling well. It was flagged for a different trauma but something happened on Saturday that has absolutely blindsided me and gathered momentum so quickly that I was thankful I had booked the therapy so I could catch it early. However it was the worst of the worst, the planned one is fully activated and I have other significant issues to deal with right now. How much can this Koala Bear?
I guess what I need to share is that this is yet again an emdr treatment resulting from the actions of support workers. This is #5 support worker who has through their actions or inactions shared or done something that has either caused a new trauma or activated existing traumas. Then it becomes a case of either change agencies stop supports while things calm down do what I had to do with two this past week and cancel them but there is no support or recognition of the damage caused nor help to work through it. The injustice is that the CMH see suspension and complaints about support workers as my fault and my mental health issues that are to blame. So not only no support but condemnation.
It has made it very difficult to source and trust support workers and I have had to gradually increase my hours and days to cope with the traumas and bad experiences. In the past week I have had to cancel two support workers and now have to go through the process of finding replacements. Im at a point where ideally support 7 days per week is required although 5 days seems to be ok. Ive been very fortunate that this was the week I saw my recovery coach and my grief counsellor so Ive been able to safely share and be supported and I was able to do the emdr to deal with it.
I was also able to request my recovery coach contact the agency "boss" and terminate her and give the reason why. And the other person who was a new hire and came through her but was more straightforward and simply not a good match.
My psychologist has recommended specialist trauma support workers. I have given my recovery coach the relevant information of significant trauma triggers and how I react and what to do. You cant predict every possible trigger and often it can be inadvertent and just is. Many support workers have mental health issues and ttheir "lived experiences" and how they apply that knowledge and share with people is what makes them really great people to be with and you feel included. Appropriate and timely sharing of self care and self management has proven to be invaluable. The admissions of the oops moments when someone shares they put the wrong plug in and wondered why the kettle didnt boil is balm to my soul. As is knowing that other people cant find their way out of multi level carparks. Either on foot or once youve actually found said car driving.
This has rocked me to the core and I have worse to come. I have a serious case of "over it". Finding the balance of light and shade and bearing with the feelings and thoughts and doing my best to remain cool calm and collected is going to be a BIG challenge. Oh well. It is what it is. Im sure my SOH wil return at some point. 🤞🤞
