I can’t cope

[ElephantEar3]

Ah, well Remembrance Day can be a difficult time in its own right, let alone feeling upset.

I'm ok. I have been incredibly busy in the new role but the team here are so great! I adore the forum members for all their incredible support of each other. Makes being part of the team very special.

Rest up and hope work goes smoothly for you.

[Captain24]

It’s a sad time as I never got to meet my uncle due to war. He is a hero that made the ultimate sacrifice. @ElephantEar3 

Im glad you are enjoying the new role and you are being supported.

I hope work goes better than it has been. I use to live my job but right now I'm hating it. The thought of going raises my anxiety so much. It’s part of the reason that I don’t want to live anymore. If I wasn’t alive I wouldn’t have to go. 

Thanks for chatting with me and supporting me with the mess that is my life. I’m in bed so I bid you goodnight. 

Have a great rest of the day. 

[Captain24]

Up, dressed, lunch packed and rubbish out of the kitchen. Now to face that hell hole that is work. 

My anxiety is sky high. 

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24 
i know that anxiety can make those everyday tasks feel so much heavier, each of those steps you've completed like getting up and ready are wins for today. 

hoping work goes okay for you, sending you positive energy 💛

[Jynx]

@Captain24 heya Cap!! 

Ach, work anxiety sucks. I am sending you a care package through the aether!! It is full of resilience, perserverence, gumption, strength, and a smidge of silliness, just in case 😉💜

Hope it turns out to be a chill shift 🤞

[Captain24]

Hey @Jynx 

Thank you. I had anxiety when I was working but in a 12.5 hr shift I did 2 hours of work because it was raining and so wet. The trucks slide in the wet, badly. I nearly ended up crashing on of them into the wall at the side of the road. I got myself out just before I hit it. 

Im going to bed now. I’m feeling like shit. I hate my life. I hate it so badly. I’m losing hope. I’ve got nothing left and I still have one nightshift to go. 

I really don’t want to be here anymore. 

[Snowie]

@Captain24 just leaving some 💗💗for you when you wake up

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 that near miss at work sounds like it would've been really frightening. Do you get any support after something like that?

I hope that you're getting some good rest, I'm around today to if you want to chat. I hear that things are feeling really dark right now. Do you feel that you're able to get through this last night shift?

What do you have planned for your days off?

[Jynx]

@Captain24 aww hun, sounds like work stress is really doing a number on you. I can't imagine the stress of nearly crashing is doing your system any good!! 

So pls remember that hun and try to be patient with yourself. I think, or at least in my experience, my resilience is not a static factor. Sometimes it's higher, i.e. I feel perfectly capable of handling any stressors that come my way. But if I've been dealing with a lot, those same stressors might send me into a meltdown. Any time you experience a big shock to your system, like you might with a near-miss crash, it might mean your ability to lean into your newly learned coping skills is impacted and your brain will default to its familiar, habitual behaviours, i.e. negative self-talk, suicide ideation, etc. 

So like... if you feel like you've slipped backwards again, don't forget how these factors would be playing into how you're feeling 💜

[Captain24]

Thanks @Jynx @Ru-bee @Snowie,

I appreciate all your comments. 

Im getting ready for work.

I can’t be on here sorry. What I’m thinking and what I need to say will get me kicked off.