Okay word vomit it is haha @Captain24
SO one of the things I've spent time mulling over for myself is the difference between self-care, and self-soothing. Then under the banner of self-care I have also spent time reflecting on the difference between caring for and caring about. So I'm gonna try to break it down!! Please keep in mind this is just how I narrativise my thoughts and experiences and it isn't necessarily absolute truth, I'm just rambling my opinions which you can pick n choose which bits you like and wanna keep 😉
I think the phrase 'self-care' has been thrown around so much that it's begun to lose meaning. Especially because everyone's self-care is going to look different, so it's not like there's ever gonna be a nice easy manual or anything. But one of the things I've noticed is that I think people will frequently recommend 'self-care' in moments when what is actually needed is self-soothing.
Self-soothing is the in-the-moment coping tools and strategies we use to try to soothe our dysregulated emotional state. We are soothing the distress. So that's all the stuff like breathing, grounding, distractions, etc etc. And then self-care is the ongoing daily practice of doing the things we know to be good for us. There can definitely be overlap as well! Like you might find bubble baths are something that are both, because they can help soothe when distressed, but it is also something you know is good for your muscles and so you do it all the time, not just when dysregulated.
But like if bubble baths are only a self-care thing not a self-soothing thing, and you're feeling super upset or overwhelmed and someone says 'Oh don't forget your self-care!' and you think 'Well, I like baths for self care but it's like... how in the frick frackle fook is a bubble bath gonna help me right now?'
So yeah I think that might be one factor as to why it can actually become almost triggering for us to have people insist that self-care is needed when sometimes, we actually don't have energy for that - we literally need to bring it all back to basics and focus only on self-soothing our frazzled nervous system.
Then the distinction between caring for and caring about. To me, caring for, is the actions we take to look after another person. Caring about, is when you genuinely care about what happens to that person/they are important to you in your life. So that means you can care for someone without caring about them - and I don't mean in a callous way of like, you wouldn't blink if they died or something, but more just that they're not a significant or meaningful relationship. Easiest example of this is just the difference between paid caring work, and a child caring for an elderly parent, for example.
I think the reason this distinction has been important for me as I have worked on my self-esteem, is that I have had to force myself to care for myself, even when I was so bloody depressed and swimming in self-loathing that I didn't care about myself. I think the thing is, over time, the more we show ourselves that we can care for ourselves (or in other words, meet our own needs), the easier it starts to become to care about ourselves too. It can't be forced, I think it just kinda grows slowly over time, especially if you're also working on your self-esteem in other areas of your life too. But you can just focus on one little tiny aspect of self-esteem at a time if you need. It's a biggun after all!
So to me, self-care can sound like this:
"I am so bloody tired but I know if I don't go for a walk today I'm going to feel restless later."
"I haven't the energy to even brush my teeth right now but they feel gross so I'm gonna at least gargle mouthwash."
"All I want is to eat this entire block of chocolate cos I feel like crap. But I know it'll make me feel nauseous and ashamed so I'm going to resist."
Self care should NOT be "If I don't do this art that I'm supposed to be enjoying but has become a chore, I will be failing at self-care." Self-care cannot be shaming, otherwise it's not self-care, it's using manipulation tactics to guilt trip ourselves into doing something that we don't want to do.
Okay... I think that's all for now! If I remember anything else I'll let you know. But take as much time you need to sit with it all hun, and I hope it resonates with you 💜
