I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Hi @Jynx 

Sorry I fell asleep last night. 

There’s loads I want to get off my chest. I have pdoc appointment in an hour if she is running on time. 

Hopefully I can open up to her. If not I may just show her what I wrote yesterday. I’m not sure I can but all I can do is try. 

I just had a nurse say I’m doing so much better but I have that mask back on. She doesn’t know the depths of my SI. 

I’ll just have to wait and see how it goes I guess. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I hope the appt goes well!! This is the pdoc with whom you've been feeling super safe and all, right? 

I also wonder like... does it feel not nice to have them make those comments? Because you absolutely can and should say that to them. Let them know that the mask isn't always something you can help, and that being told you're doing better when you feel you're not can actually leave you feeling worse... Or you know, show em this message if the words won't come 😉

Hate the waiting game tho hey! Got much to keep you occupied till then?

[Captain24]

Yeah that’s the Pdoc. She is amazing @Jynx.

I don’t think I can tell her. I just hate myself. 

Im taking in what I’ve written. I’m going to do it. 

It’s almost dinner time so I can do that to fill in sometime. I’m not hungry though. Plus I skipped lunch. Is this the mood or something else. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 you got this darlin! Utilise whatever tools you need to to communicate your needs 💜

Let us know how you go, if you like. But no pressure of course 😉

[Captain24]

She read my journal @Jynx. She didn’t really say anything about it as I said I need a new psychologist. She asked why and I told her that she said I was stupid and selfish for attempting to take my life. Plus that she FaceTimed an appointment from a public place.

My Pdoc was ropable. She wants me to report her and told me I’m never to see her again. She has given me the number of a psychologist that she works closely with. That will keep reporting to my Pdoc. I did ask my Pdoc if she would see me outside but she isn’t available. But because she works closely with this psych that she maybe able to swing something. 

I don’t know if I’m making any sense, I’m a bit shaky after that appointment and we didn’t even discuss me. Plus I just cancel my psych. I don’t even know if I’m going home on Monday. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 all made sense to me darlin, and I tell ya what, I am SO PROUD of you!! You were able to be very honest with your psych and let her know why you needed the change. And you told the truth, rather than just some excuse (yeah, I've done that before! And there's no shame in it either, but when someone has actually caused you harm, I think it's a different story). 

Wow, what a cracker of a pdoc! I hope it does work out that you have the recommended psych and the two can collaborate! That would be amazing! 

In any case, totally normal to be feeling very shaken and a bit dazed! What a rollercoaster. I think it's deffo okay to park everything for tonight and just focus on rest! Do you have much on tomorrow?

[Captain24]

So after yesterday’s Pdoc appointment and firing my psych I had an extreme stress response. 

I felt high for a little while and was slurring my words. I couldn’t walk straight. Then I got really dizzy and couldn’t walk. All my obs were fine and no one could work out what was happening. I felt so scared and so sick. One nurse thought it could be vertigo. Two nurses had to help me back to my room. They undressed me and put me to bed. One of them stayed with me until I went to sleep.

Today I was very spacey, vague and unsteady on my feet. I went to first group and the facilitator worked with me to keep me focused. I was walking to the meditation group and the head nurse on shift saw me stumbling. He took me back to my room and sent another nurse in. I had my obs done again. 

The doctor came in to see me and gave me anti-nausea medication as it would help with the dizziness. I slept until my facilitator came in to check on me. Her background is nursing focusing on MH. She thought it was a stress response after she found out about my day. 

I finally got up and had lunch. Then as I was headed back to the group room for second group, the head psychologist saw me. She asked me what was wrong. I told her all that had happened. She said it definitely was a stress response. She told me I could go back to bed but I said I’d give group ago. 

She walked me to the group room to make sure I was ok. She asked what I was doing about a new psych and I told her my Pdoc had a recommendation and I was going to call her tomorrow and see what her waitlist was. This psych suggested on here at the hospital that works with outpatients. It just happens to be my favourite facilitator in this course. She was going to call her and check if she will take me. 

I feel a sense of relief that I have a caring, trauma inform psych that I actually know. I have already shared some stuff with her while I’ve been in here. 

I currently feel really tired and still a little unsteady on my feet. Plus a really bad headache.

One of the nurses that helped me last night has already checked on me and said I look a lot better but she can see I’m still unsteady. 

[Captain24]

@Jynx @tyme 

Im really sorry guys but I’m not well and can’t make the webinar. Not sure if I have to tell someone 

[Captain24]

I guess with change, the ability to support has change. At least I know where I stand. 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 @ArraDreaming ,

I read there is some unrest here.

Can we ensure posts have respect in mind including respecting others' differences?

It's totally okay to agree to disagree too. 

For tonight, I'd encourage you to connect on other parts of the forum.

There is also consideration to lock this thread for the evening.