Hi @CheerBear and whoever else reads this.
You are not annoying me at all by tagging. I’m just being a big pain in the backside really.
Ive had lots of buses come through that have been out of control like the one in the movie 'speed' :face_with_rolling_eyes:.
they are all pretty pathetic in the scheme of things but have had me very wound. Basically they all involve huge change which I suck at and am a bit of a baby with.
When I started writing this I was prepared to share but just feel a bit strange about it now so I’ll give you the brief version. I lost a support person who was the only one who seemed to get it. Then the two biggest moved out leaving me effectively on my own.......and even more in my head with no purpose. They will be back in 6 weeks but go again in dec I think. I came up with a solution of asking someone from my group who was homeless a while ago to move in, it’s the only person I think I could live with but when I danced around the subject I found they have housing sorted and are happy with it and it’s long term. Have no idea how I’ll share with someone or find someone but I can’t afford to stay here by myself. The thought of this is terrifying.
I have been given an opportunity to try a new therapy on proviso is that I give up all other supports, no more cc or therapist. I’m struggling with the therapist because of a promise I’d made to her and she’s the only one who’s stuck by me through everything but I know things aren’t progressing with her just now. New therapy is really intensive and I’m scared but feel like I have to try it. Again really really scared about it. It’s called transference focused psychotherapy.
My brother came last week and so did piles and piles of shame. I owe him a lot of money (read many tens of thousands of $). There is other shame too. If I can settle my house with my ex the money is going straight to my brother. Ex is playing games as I knew he would. I need my brother to help deal with this but he has major life stresses too so I hate to burden him with it. He lives overseas too so it’s hard.
Today is the birthday of one of my longest friends, I’ve know her since I was 14. I haven’t spoken to her for two years because of the shame. I have 4 friends that if I ever get myself together I want to reconnect with. One I’ve known since I was eight. It’s bringing up so much self hate.
My gas heater broke, my microwave is on its way out, my fridge is making huge noises and is on its way out (it’s old). Had Centrelink on my back out of the blue. I’ve lost all the motivation I had and just would rather not be here. That’s my rave. I’m not looking for any sympathy. I’ve been drinking and drugging myself not to be awake much since last Wednesday. I’m scared that I’ll fall back into that until I push it too far. Every night I have a battle in my head about wanting to push it too far. I know what it takes to do that. I hate that I’m writing this as you are going well @CheerBear. I have a feeling others that are reading this are struggling too and I don’t want to bring anyone else down. It’s all just me being pathetic really.
