Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Tickerbell]

So, I am 55, my husband wished to leave me, and did, after his business failed.  Though his behaviour was in hindsight the same as each time he faced a challenge in his life.  Basically seemed problems began when I had my boys.  

We were together 30 years, three kids.  Something was not quite right, he tried so hard, but I felt like something was missing, wrong.  I write as I love him and believe in him.  Since his leaving two years ago, he has refused to talk about his business ending and our relationship.  He has ignored me completely, I do nice things, tomatoes from garden, etc.  not acknowledged.  Nothing.  We had not even argued, and he told me he had seen 30 girls he felt he could have an intimate relationship with!  This was the point when I said, go on leave, in the heat of the moment, I felt so hurt and betrayed.  He had just had a year off, buying himself a yatch while I juggled 3 jobs and kids, etc.  I would have thought a thank you sweetie for all your help and support would have been in order?

this is how he describes himself ... low self esteem, has a black hole inside him, Either he sees me as either amazing or bad, sees in black and white.  His perception of me could change, even when I was away.  If I did get upset, it was viewed as me doing something to him.  If I asked for some help, and I learnt not to ask, he would say yes, but not do anything, until I did it myself... then he'd be angry with me.  He said he did not know how to say no, so he'd say yes, and then resent me, when I'd be happy with a no, if that is how he felt.  

When he was struggling in his business, I offered to help, using this time to be with him, things were good.  

He is a perfectionist, with traits of obsessively drinking cups of tea all day.

I am am an extremely kind, caring patient and non demanding person.  I surf, swim, yoga, ride my bike everywhere, I am fit and look amazing.  Yet I feel u seen, like he can't see the real me, I have to be bad?  So it eases his own pain?  

if I on the spur of the moment I asked him to do something or changed plans, he'd feel out of control.

i asked him to seek help, his response was .. so I can be diagnosed with a mental disorder?  I simply wished to help him.  It was thought he had BPD, but only advised by counsellor, not psychologist.  

I felt when he did not cope with his own emotions, I felt them projected onto me.  I learnt to block that.  But not always, sometimes they knocked me down.  

He appears to others as a lovely man.. and to others who know him better a tortured soul.  

What have I been dealing with for thirty years?  Perhaps I should be happy he is out of my life.  But he is my husband, always will be, and father of my children, and I wish to help him.

thank you, for being able to vent....

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Tickerbell,

You sound like a very patient and caring person who just wants to help her husband. The tough thing though, is that it seems like he doesn't want to be helped. As the old saying goes, 'you can drag a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.'

@Tickerbell, I'm curious about how your husband thinks could work better? Have you had a chance to discuss this with him yet? I mean, what things does he want you to change? And are these things that you would be willing to work on. The reason I ask this is because, if he is not wanting to change, then it might be possible to make some changes yourself. That said, it's so important to find balance. Look after yourself, and do things that improve the situation for you too. 

[BeHappy]

Hi @Tickerbell

When people are unwell, they can lack insight. If a person lacks insight, then it might be difficult for them to realise that they should seek help. For them, they often don't feel like there behaviour is an issue - it's other people who are the problem. I think when people reach out for help, it's usually because things have become intolerable which acts as a motivation to change.

Where are things at now with you and your husband? Do you live together, and/or have regular contact?

It's heartbreaking when someone decides to end a relationship after 30 years without trying to make it work.

[Tickerbell]

he left two years ago, and lives next door, as we owned both places.  I thought we would get back together, initially the kids lived with him, with the expectation that I would sell the house that I am in, but I was so overwhelmed, with my loss, I was not coping, the thought of moving to a rental place was too much.  Seeing my kids next door, and him actually active, my god he even put the bins out... anyway, I did the maths and got extra work, and thought I could manage to stay here, and get a mortage on my wage.  From day one when he seemed emotionally detached, he has refused councilling, went once for separation councilling, set on leaving me.  I have no idea why... which is why I struggle.  He did tell me, I did not initiate sex enough, I was either exhausted after a days work, or found him to be projecting his anger or negative stuff onto me, and he's spend hours on computer. Also not really present, so if I spoke, I was no heard, if I asked for him to help out a bit.  he would say he was not dancing to my tune.  and I only wished him to peel the carrots, it was my way of hoping he would be present and active in our lives. 

We were getting on well until his business ended suddenly, after six years of him sacrificing himself and working so hard, and earned nothing, always hoping it would work out.  I was told he would have given up earlier, if I had not been so supportive and if I had delegated some tasks to him, which I did not as he was already so overcommitted and overwhelmed.  I did my best to be kind and helpful to him.  I loved him.

anyway, after his business ended, he seemed to fall in a hole, so negative about everything, I did my best to be kind and supportive, saying hey have time out, yes buy your boat, which he did, chill out for a time, and I was happy to work and keep everything going... from my heart.   

He accused me of not being loving enough, and asked me what I did to show I loved him.  I raised our boys, I did his washing, I cooked healthy meals, put his clothes away, and yes I would have kissed him and had lots of sex, if he had not been so absent, as in not in the present, and unhelpful.

He could open a door, look at me, and I would feel punched in the guts.  it was all invisible projection.  I would recognise it for what it was, and learnt not to buy into it, and try to be kind, ... how was your day, would you like a cup of tea.  Dinner is ready, and yes I would have mowed the lawns, brought in the firewood, done the washing, kids all happy, etc etc... and hed be angry,.   I think his own disappointment in himself.

If I asked him something, he said it was like me putting another stone in his back pack, he told me he had a black hole inside him, if I asked something, he would feel out of control.  If he said YES and began the task, and resentment began, I would wish I had not asked.  He said he did not know how to say NO, I would have been fine with a NO, completely cool, I never pressurized him.  

I felt he would push me away when he felt out of control or bad about himself, I did not feel safe asking for help, so did not ask, and later I was accused of not being able to delegate.  I can delegate, if there was someone there to delegate to.  

If he did agree to do something, usually I would wait, and wait and wait, like our tax, I needed figures from him, I would kindly and sweetly ask every two months, hey hows it going, could I have the figures when it suits you, 18 months later a 30 minute job was done!!!!  As he tended to over comit, I became independant, and just got on with everything... he was absent in body and mind, and later just in mind.  

So he left as he felt I withdrew, I withdrew when I found my emotions were at exhaustion.  Due to his pushing me away, hed be angry, frustrated, negative.  All he saw was my withdrawal, .... not his behaviour.  He seemed unaware of his own behaviour and its affect on another.  

So now..... he still lives next door, I am invisible, he has not returned any message, email, anything in two years.  his family are the same.  None of them will talk to me, .. they said they are on Matts Side.  Simply that.  That really hurts, as only two months, while matt was away buying his boat I had dinner with them, and they said, gee we dont know how you cope with matt, you have been so patient and kind.  

Matt basically detached, shut down, due to his emotional hurt, loss of self esteem when his business ended. and blamed me.

He was thought to have BPD, but I think he is a lovely guy, and I love him very much, and see he always tried his best.  he was diagnosed by a councillor, but I think she was wrong, I think it was depression.  which comes in many forms.

His dad was odd.  Matt had an older set of twins who would be about 60 now, one downs syddrome, matt now 58.  his mum had a breakdown, when downs was put into care.  There is no way his mum could have cared for matt, as was too busy looking after the twins, and the father, would only have been embarrased to have had a son with downs.

Matt, told me he had seen 30 other girls which he fancied an intimate relationship with, thats when I lost it, I was so so hurt, after all I had done, he had just had over a year off, while I worked and he bought his boat.  

then when he moved next door, and had the kids with him, he told me how awkward it would be if he were to bring girls home.  These words were so out of character.... weird, not matt at all.... designed to hurt?

.... OH and there is so much more.

yes I still love him, 

he refuses to talk to me, cant see me for who I am, wants his destructive path.

I have pleaded with him to seek help.  but no reply, I am nothing, invisible, nothing.  after 30 years. 

[Pebbles]

Hi @Tickerbell

Thank you for sharing your story with us here. I can imagine that parts of that would have been challneging to write. When I read you say "So now..... he still lives next door, I am invisible, he has not returned any message, email, anything in two years.  his family are the same.  None of them will talk to me." I felt sad reading that. I can imagaine you have a range of thoughts and feelings around this and that sadness may have its own place here with you too. 

Amoungst your journey with this @Tickerbell how have you coped, managed, pulled your self through? 

Take Care 

[Tickerbell]

How have I coped:

I cry each day, I force myself to go to work, then cry on the way home.  I go to a yoga class every day usually at 7 am, I go swimming with my girl friends in the sea, at 9 am when ever I am not working.  I can actually cry and swim at the same time.  I drink wine at night.  Not good.  I don't want to wake up in the morning, I struggle through each day..and feel glad when the day is finally over.

I can not talk to anyone, my friends see my ex as a lovely man, which he is.  His family, Ahhh, they are closed to any discussion regarding their brother.  I wished to help him.  So when I used to try to explain projection and transference of emotions - of course they do not understand.  I could feel thrown across the room, when he was not feeling good about himself.  I learnt not to be his dumping bag.  It became a pattern, that began after I had children, I was so exhausted and busy with them, that I did not have the energy to challenge him..... how I regret that now, yet I did my best, and it was all I could do.

I feel cheated of my retirement and to have love and my family together in my life.  I believed if ... could have opened his heart and mind, and trusted in me, and explored our relationship/our dance.  We could easily have worked this out. 

I am 55 now, and there is no way I wish to take on another persons family.  He refused all communication and detached... how could anything be resolved like that. 

Best go, as am at work, and tears are welling up.  Thank you