Lived Experience Forum

[The-red-centaur]

I don't have a cool title for this. 

I an tired and sick of myself. 

So what do I do...I make it worse. 

I was upset when I got home late last night. Instead of doing what I should have and just go to bed, I hurt myself and end up in hospital. Making the situation worse. 

I feel like all my carers hate me. That they are tired of me and my risk to self. My carer is angry at me about the incidents of early hours of the morning. So many carers have quit because of me over the years. 

That's not even my problem. I feel frustrated at myself that I am not recovering. And in the 15 years I'm battling self harm and suicide that the world doesn't trust me and my friends family carers dint trust me. I am not supposed to be left alone. 

I thought pursuing my dreams and therapy would change my thoughts and behaviours. But I feel so messed and broken. Do I even deserve to pursue it all and even life anymore. 

I'm getting so physically sick all the time because of my self harm. I'm just a drain on society. I should just quit. 

[BossBaby]

I'm glad you're back but sorry to hear how much you're struggling and how much others have struggled to help. First of all, I hope you can see 15 years with some perspective. My brother encouraged me once by saying, "Life isn't short. Life is long." 15 years of pain and survival despite hurting yourself and maybe others and others hurting you. How have you coped previously without resorting to self-harm? And look, I personally think we are all basically incompatible with each other, whether friends, family, carers, whatever, so what your carers need to do to help you is no more than anyone else has to do with anyone they care about. Something that has really helped affirm my expectations of people and relationships generally is an online talk by Alain de Botton, "Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person." 23 minutes of just really quite sobering and endearing realism, including a great definition of love, "generosity of interpretation." There is a place for interpretation in all this and some perspective. We are here for each other with as much support as we can provide, please remind us and yourself too of some of the ways you manage to overcome your most limiting thoughts and destructive behaviours.

[tyme]

Hey @The-red-centaur ,

The above post from @BossBaby  was for you.

Also, don't forget you have been doing so so well. We have been looking forward to hearing how your business is going.

With MH, there are peaks and throughs. I'm sorry it's so hard right now, but it doesn't mean it'll stay that way. 

We are sitting with you.

[BossBaby]

@tyme, sorry I will tag people from now on, although the drop down menu doesn't appear for me, maybe it's my old laptop.

[tyme]

Hey @BossBaby ,

Not to worry at all! I just didn't want @The-red-centaur to miss reading your lovely post. 🙂

[BossBaby]

@Mistyme Didn't want her to miss it or read it? 😄 Drop down menu working now.

[tyme]

Ooops! I edited my post... I mean "miss reading" your post 🙂 @BossBaby 

[The-red-centaur]

TW: SI

@BossBaby @tyme 

I appreciate the replies. I just feel like a waste tthough. I'll probably get a different perspective when I come out of my intense sh and si feelings. 

Content/trigger warning

@tyme I am so tired. I don't even know if I'll make it to next Saturday. Tbh I just want to die and give up. I dint know I'm still pursuing my business and my life. It would be so much more efficient and effective if I just pursued death.

I don't don't what else to say. [edited by moderator]

[tyme]

Hey @The-red-centaur ,

I've just added a trigger warning and spoiler to your post.

I'm hearing you about how hard it is right now. 

At the same time, well done on recognising that your mind may see things differently if you are out of this crisis phase.

I hear it is hard for now. But I also hold onto hope that you will do so well on Saturday at the market.

I'll be sending you an email shortly to ensure you are safe for now.

[Jasper_123]

Hi @The-red-centaur - I like your username! Original! Do you like fantasy? As you can see, mine is much more basic and boring ..... 

I'm sorry to hear of the struggles that you have been facing for such a long time, my mental health journey has been for a similar amount of time with many highs and lows. When it's been low for a while it certainly feels like the only option is to give up. 

However, as said by another commentor, life is long! There are so many things in life to look forward to, to work towards and to dream about. I doubt your carers hate you, often support workers get burnt out and need a break from a client or get frustrated about their sleep being disrupted or for some fear can look like anger. At the end of the day it is their job to be proffesional and to look out for you.