Lived Experience Forum

[Cats101]

I feel like my truma isn't valid enough to be considered truma, I'm just so confused.

[The-red-centaur]

@Cats101 hi. 

I'm sorry you feel invalid with your trauma. 

Over the years I've learnt its not really the trauma but how it made you feel which can determine how sever it is and its impact. We shouldn't compare it to others because it was valid for us. 

I'm sorry you went through whatever you did. Did you want to talk some more, we are here to listen 

[Bow]

Like @The-red-centaur  said @Cats101  its not really about the trauma, but more about how it has effected you. Everyone deals with and manages things differently. We should never compare our trauma and the things that we go through. 
Two people could go through the exact same thing, but one may of had a tool box full of coping skills and strategies and were able to deal with and heal from the experiences and the other had nothing and it completely destroys them. 
your experiences are your own, they are your truths and no one can take that away from you.

[Cats101]

He was My best friends brother, I thought I could trust him, he was like an older brother, he asked my sister to tell me to meet him in his room and he closed the door, his belt was unbuckled and asked if I wanted to see his privates, I backed away and kept saying no, I left and returned playing with his brother, I was the first the others had it worse then I did, but I guess it wasn't the act that I struggle with, it's more the fact I told my parents and they didn't believe me, the would rather believe I was speaking nonsense then see if I was telling the truth.

I love my parents, but sometime I find it hard to trust them, and when I show any sign of distrust, it's like I'm the one at fault, like why wouldn't I trust them.

Sorry it kinda turned into a rant.

[Cats101]

Sorry i overshared.

[The-red-centaur]

@Cats101 in sorry you went through that. 

Just because others had it worse doesn't mean it didn't happen or isn't bad enough. It hurt you. It really sucks what you went through. It's valid. 

I'm sorry your parents didn't believe you. That must be so hard. 

My mum doesn't believe me when I told her my brother abused me. She pretends it didn't happen. I get how hard it must be to trust them with anything now. 

You matter you're important and your trauma is your trauma. Plead don't invalidate yourself. It sucks and it matters. 

[Cats101]

Thank you 

@The-red-centaur 

[scruffypuffball]

TW SA

@Cats101 @The-red-centaur 

I went thru something similar with 2 family members and one family friend.  You are right, it is not what happens to you it is what happens inside of you, that is what trauma is.

I read a long time ago there was a non profit organisation that did research on SA and the results were as follows:

• Children who were sexually abused by a stranger were believed and supported by family like 99% of the time
• Children who were sexually abused by someone known to the family were believed and supported only 3% of the time.

Since I discovered the work of Gabor Mate, I found that humans have always had the existential struggle between attachment and authenticity.  We are social primates so we need to attach to our support network for our own survival especially when young.  But we also the need to be accepted and VALIDATED for who we are - which is authenticity.  I think authenticity means so much more than that, it is our own personal safety as well.

We forgo authenticity for attachment and our family members rationalise abuse in the pursuit of attachment.  For me - blind loyalty to the family meant more to my parents than accountability.  It is such a betrayal - and betrayal is trauma in itself.

As Gabor says, sometimes you have to dump them and CHOOSE YOU.   It means you will offend them, they wont respect the version of you with boundaries, that is ok. Give em a metaphorical middle finger.

Sitting with you at this time.

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Cats101 thank you for sharing here on the Forums and you have demonstrated your strength and courage in talking about what you have been through.

It sounds like there may be more to your story than you have posted here and I wonder if you feel the need to talk more about it. There are services that specialise in sexual abuse: https://www.1800respect.org.au/ Call 1800 737 732 or search https://www.respect.gov.au/services/. 

Even historical abuse is something that can be reported and there are people who can support you if that is something you wish to follow up on. 

Thank you again for sharing here on the Forums!

Take care 

RiverSeal

[Bow]

@Cats101  I’m sorry for what you went through and for how your parents have responded to you telling them. I can see how their response of not believing you has cause just as much trauma for you. The people closest to you, the ones that are suppose to care and protect you, in a way they haven’t. And that hurts. 

I remember how my mum responded to me telling her of the SA my step father did to me. She did believe me, but other things occurred that I won’t go into details. But it was traumatic. 

Do you have people, someone you can talk? The folks at 1800 respect and other helpline are great. They believe you. They listen. They validate you. And if needed they can help put you in contact with someone you can talk to.