Thanks for your thoughts
@outlander.
Mega hugs for your crash
@Teej ❤ I have big sad election results feelings today too
🙁This might be cryptic but it has to be. You mentioned the other day wondering what needs to be fixed for me. What needs to be fixed for me would come from communication.
My go-to when things go wonky in the way I have wonky happening now, has often been to walk away feeling a crushing sense of cynical and disappointed 'why botherness', sometimes (too many times) burning bridges on my way. I've gone down in flames and fire too often and I've learned from that and won't repeat it. Instead this time I have been trying hard to hold on and hope that maybe there can be a different outcome. I want to believe it can be different. I need to believe that. At the same time I realise that having expectations of any kind has been a source of deep hurt for me in my journey. Why, when history continues to repeat itself in different ways, should I expect any different? Where do I stop hoping and start conceding that few really care, even if many say they do? Where is my line between 'hold on' and 'let go'? That's the big stuff I have been sitting with and the feels I've been having.
I don't know why I am writing this post today. My silence is hurting me now though. I tried to talk in the best way I knew how and that's gone unnoticed (or worse - has been completely ignored). I hear of support being provided and wonder how and why that's not there for me. It happens so often in so many ways that I'm left feeling like there must be something wrong with me. Like I'm the problem.
I'm going to push post not expecting a reply to this. There is little I think I can do now. What I could do is go down in fire but I won't because I'm trying to do better than I have before. I could sit hoping but that's not helping me anymore. I could also walk away quietly knowing few will even notice, but appreciating there are some who would, who hear me in my silence and who do actually care.
