Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Mill]

Hello everyone,
Iv never been on anything like this before but im feeling so lost at the moment i dont know what to do or who to turn to.
I have been with my husband for 13 years and we have 2 beautiful children ages 8 and 4.
He has always suffered from depression and has been on and off medication for the last 5 years and even then it was like pulling teath to get him to go to his gp and ask or admit he needed help, this has happened only 3 times over the 5 years and after a few months of taking medication he did not like the way it made him feel so he took himself off it.
Things have become progressively worse over the last 12 months or so to the point he is having major break downs and contemplating suicide. I have begged him to seek help and talk to someone about his mental health issues so that things can improve but he refuses.
Last weekend it was our sons 4th birthday and we celebrated with a family bbq. My husband asked me to camcel it the day before as he was feeling down and when he is in that place (which is 90% of the time) he locks himself in his bedroom and doesnt want to see, talk or interact with anyone including myself and our children. I normally do as he requests and lie or cover up to accommodate his depression and often cancel things but this time our son was so so excited about having a birthday, he had been counting down for months and i had made him a special cake and as a mum i felt more compelled to protect my sons heart rather than my husbands so i said NO. i will not cancel as ot would not be fair on our son. So my husband put on his happy face as he always does, he has learned to hide his depression well as no one knows he suffers from it except me and we had the party. He drunk excessively with my family as he loves and gets along with them really well, they are basically our ownly friends. My daughter also had one of her friends sleeping over that night too age 8 and when everyone had gone home everything exploded. He was nasty and aggressive towards the girls, not physically but saying silly things, when i pulled him up on it he flipped out and went to our bedroom and smashed walls and broke doors and saying he wished he could go to sleep and never wake up. He was clearly hurting so much so as usual instead of me being upset about destroying our home and frightening the children i held him and said i loved him and everything will be ok. I find i always do that, i push my anger and hurt and somtimes the hatred that i feel down and ignore my feelings to console him. I know when alcohol is involved there is no point trying to rational anyway, i also know he is capable of taking his life at his low points and i couldn't live with myself if my reaction to his bad behaviour made him feel guilty to the point he did take his own life.
Any way, our daughters friend was terrified so i took her home, then my daughter was so upset her friend went home that i was up trying to concol her and of course covered for her dad making up a silly excuse as to why her friend wanted to go home.
When my husband woke the next day he was so upset with himself for his behavior, although he could only see the physical damage to the house and did not remember the emotional damage nor will he ever because i even lie to him about it and cover it up because i dont want him to feel even worse and sink into a deeper depression. I know thats not doing him any favours but again, if by me telling him of the pain he causes to his children and i is enough to push him over the edge i couldn't live with myself if the outcome is irreversible and permanent. You cant come back from death.
Last night, a week after the party i said to him you need to get help or i am leaving. I cant keep going around in these depressive circles and keep lying to everyone around me and covering up and making excuses for his behaviour. The kids are getting old enough now to know that somthing is not right and i dont want them to live on eggshells or miss out on things, which they do alot, especially friends coming over for a play because their dad just goes to work, comes home, lays in bed and is on social media and because i dont want to increase his depressed or anxiety i say no to them 95% of the time. Any way, his response to my threat of leaving was LEAVE THEN. Im not going to get help.
I take my marriage vows very seriously and i love him with all my heart but i love my children more and feel i need to put their needs above his and my own.
I know things will get better if he seeks help but how can i show him that? And what if he never will get help and we leave and he ends his life because he has no one else? I couldnt live with myself knowing my actions caused his death. How do you help someone who refuses to get help? I feel so lost and alone and exhausted and i just don't know what to do any more.
Any advise will be much appreciated.
Thank you for reading my incredibly long post, its been very helpful just to write it all down and tell someone.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Mill,

Welcome to the Forums, and thanks for writing your first post. Things sounds incredibly challenging with your husband. On the one hand, your want your marraige to get through this, but on the other hand, you're concerned about the impact that this having on your children.

When I read your post, I got the sense that you're carrying a huge load for both you and your husband. As you even mentioned, you push feelings aside to support your husband. If you are not looking after you, who is? If things were to remain like this for another 5 years, what would that be like for you?

Its important to know that you are not responsible for someone else's actions. You can never make anyone do anything - someone else's behaviours and decisions is beyond your control.  It might be helpful to focus on the things you can change. 

While your husband may not be willing to help or make any changes, it doesn't mean that you can't make some changes to improve the situation for you and your kids. It may even change things between you and your husband. I can't tell you exactly what changes might be useful for you, but it might be helpful to see a counsellor or psychologist yourself. It can help to get this load of your shoulders so you're carrying it on your own, and through this process you can also gain new insights. 

It very hard to get someone help if they don't want it. But if you're husband is at immediate risk, don't hesitate to get in contact with emergency services - they may be able to do an assessment and he is assess as being at immediately at risk, they admit him into hospital involuntarily. 

There are other people on here who also care for the partners. You mind find 'the ups and downs of a husband's mental illness' useful. In that thread @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Maryjune all talk about some of the challenges of caring for their husbands. I wonder if they might be able to offer some advice. You might also also find 'How do I help someone who doesn't want help?' Feel free to add to that to these threads. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Mill and welcome to the forums.

I have a husband in denial with an eating disorder.  I am going to refer to it as Manorexia, because the general presentation in men is that they are focussed on muscle acquisition, which makes them heavy on the scales for their size, and aerobic activity that burns off all the super-healthy meals they appear to be chowing down.  There are many other associated behaviours ... body dysmorphia, other disordered food behaviours, OCD behaviours, distorted thinking, and a controlling mindset.  We have also walked a path of emotional abuse, and I recognised that if I didn't find a way to curb that, I would have to take our now-adult children and leave the marriage, for my safety and theirs.  Not all bruises are physical.  

I thought eating disorders were about distorted body image.  They include that, but they are a serious mental illness in fact ..... learning on the job here ....

One way I curbed my husband's behaviour was to start attending a psychologist for moral support for myself.  The first step in doing that would be to go to your GP, who I hoped you have confided in already, and I believe it is possible to have a mental health plan drawn up that gives you lower cost or free visits .... in any case the dr can tell you.  I chose not to do this, as my husband was trying to paint me as having mental health issues as a way of deflecting attention from his own, and I feel it is important to keep that area clear for the kids to be able to trust in my judgement.  Yours are still too young for that to be an issue.  Knowing that I was talking to someone about his behaviour toned him down.

Another thing I ended up doing was speaking up to the family doctor in my husband's presence, which was excruciating, and resulted in him telling me our marriage was over, but it meant that I got the truth out there .... the dr had cited privacy laws to not listen to me without my husband present as my husband had lost an extreme amount of weight under this dr's care, and continues to disguise his eating disordered symptoms.  It's not sustainable indefinitely, so we are in that unenviable position of waiting for him to wake up, or suffer a health crisis - minor or major, we don't know.

When I refer to him "waking up" it's because there is a behaviour model called Stages of Change that looks like this ....

https://www.health.qld.gov.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0026/425960/33331.pdf

Your husband and mine are in the Precontemplative stage.  In this stage, my husband's hostility and un-preparedness to accept that he is unwell would cause him to destroy all his relationships if we were to leave him.   Even if his illness were discovered in the process or afterwards, there are some things that don't go back together, and as a family the kids and I have decided to keep trying to "walk him home".

Living with this sort of problem long-term generally leads to situational depression in the spouse, so it is imperative for your own mental health that you develop a support base.  A psychologist or support services for families battling with depression in their midst is a good starting point - perhaps Black Dog Institute ?

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au

It is important for you and the kids that your family know what is going on, but get educated first, so you can explain to them that his is in the hostile stage of denial, and you have to tread carefully.  That, of course, needs to be your decision, but it is what I imagine support services will advise you to do ...

You are not alone, and yes, it helps so much to be able to tell somebody what you are going through.  Here for you when if / when you want to chat.

🌷💜

F&H

[Shaz51]

Hello @Mill

how are you today ??

My hubby has clincal depression , major depression and inherited depression , which are all long term depression which he has had all his life

he has been on and off his meds , cancelled all help , won`t see the doctor , had a lot of ups and downs

It took me a while that what he said , he didn`t mean to say , I would drop suggestions , his seems to go around in cycles

Until 2 years ago he had a build up of things happen which he ended up taking himself to hospital, he was able to leave after a couple of weeks ,with new meds

but now he want to start going off them with no support

is there anyone that he listens too , sometimes it helps if it comes from someone else that they need help

[Mill]

Thank you cherrybomb for your reply,
I think the comment you made in regards to looking 5 years into the future is what i did and why i asked him to get help or i will leave. I dont want this to be the outcome but i am getting so exhausted and dont know if i can mentally be going around in these circles still in 5 years time.
It is hard to except that i cant control his actions or make him get help when he is not yet ready to.
Do people who are stuck in this stage ever accept the fact that they need help or will he go through his entire life like this with nothing changing or ever getting better or more manageable. Its hard being so torn.
I cryed when i read 'who looks after you?'. No one does and i so selfishly aam desperate for someone to look after me for perhaps just 1 day.
Im worried im emotionally disconnecting myself from life because i dont want my children to sense somthing is wrong and if i drop my guard or alow myself to feel i may not be able to stop crying.
I started seeing a psychologist in regards to my husband about 6 months ago but due to my own physical health issues from the birth of my children i only went twice so i think it would be a fantastic idea to see her again, she was wonderful in helping me to know the correct way to approach problems with my husband in a way he wouldnt take as too agressive ir judgmental towards him so i will definitely make another appointment soon.
Im so glad i have found this forum, it has been so comforting to read other peoples experiences and to just start feeling less alone. When you hide such life changing daily events from everyone around you, you do start to feel alone but an incredible weight has been lifted to just tell someone just one bad experience. What a wonderful place this is.
I think i have alot of research to do on how much my husbands cronic depression will effect our children psychologically for the short term and long term to be able to make an informed decision as to weather or not i need to put their best interest and health first if he continues to refuse any form of help. At this stage id be happy if he took up yoga or meditation or any kind of hobby that would get him out of bed and out of the house and to just feel passionate about something in life, anything at all would be amazing. That would at least give me hope.
Thank you so much for all of you words, i have found them incredibly helpful.
😊

[Neptune]

Wow your story and life sound identical to mine!  I feel you pain. I have spent 10 years with his mental illness no now and it has only gotten worse. It is affecting the children for sure and myself. The stress he has caused me almost killed me last year causing an aneurysm in my brain to rupture. I now have a neurological disability so he has also cost me my career. He takes no responsibility nor does he show compassion  or remorse. He drinks excessively and is passive aggressive.  The children love it when he travels back to work because of the chaos he causes. He never does anything with the family. Of course I am planning to sell the house and move away from him because he won't help himself. Yes he has been suicidal on many occasions and it is a constant concern of mine but if I don't look after myself as I didn't last year, where does that leave the children?  My advice to you is to leave if he has little insight and is resisting help because in the end you will all be dragged down as you are already now. My teenage daughter won't have her friends over when he is home for embarrassment with his bizarre comments and behaviour. Now that is just WRONG  and for some time now I dare not to take him to any functions at school because he just gets drunk or isn't interested anyway.  He would rather sleep in until noon and stare at his phone than participate in family activities.  Good luck to you