Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Morris]

My husband has Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder & Major depressive disorder.

I am struggling with it more than usual at the moment as he is never happy at home & it is really taking it's toll on me & the children.

He blames me for all types of things, the way I talk to him, look at him, ignore him, I also get yelled at and am told that he wouldn't treat his worst enemy the way I treat him.

All that I have done for the last 2 years since he was formally diagnosed is making sure that he is loved & looked after. I try & do everything possible to make things easy for him to avoid any further stress.

in doing this, I feel more stressed than I think I can take. He puts on a personality when he is at work or with his family so I don't think that anyone really believes the way he is at home.

Does anyone else understand how I am feeling?

[Chrimster]

Hi i think i know where your coming from, i am experiencing this for the first time, with my new partner.. i had no idea what was going on, and couldnt believe the smiles and act he was putting on for everyone else but when he looked at me it was like i was satan in front of him..

he's been back on his meds now, and i expected him to go back to normal straight away, expecting way to much, but i had no idea...

is your husband refusing to take his meds?

[Morris]

No, he is on his medication. He said that he just is always down and can't get out of it. I am hoping that somehow things will improve as I don't want to live like this forever. When do you know that you have given all you can?

[Mosaic]

Hi @Morris and welcome to the forums – it’s great to have you be a part of our community 🙂

It’s not easy caring for a partner with a mental illness, especially if others do not realise what's really going on behind closed doors. That feeling of isolation can really take a toll, so I hope these forums can provide some social support for you. We had a Topic Tuesday about BPD a couple of months back which you might like to look at here. Some of this discussion also touches on the comorbidity of BPD & bipolar, which may be of interest to you. 

Though the diagnoses are different, fellow member @artee is also caring for her husband. She has had her fair share of struggles with her partner and figuring out where to draw the line. You can read about her experience here. Perhaps she may be able to offer you some more support.  Several other members here who also care for their partner include @Kawasaki  @zipper  @lucky  @Whyohwhy  @PeppiPatty and @stella just to name a few. They may be able to offer some helpful support, insights or tips in managing this situation you're facing.

Look forward to hearing more of your story.

All the best, Mosaic.

[PeppiPatty]

My dear @Morris

I read your message
This forum helps me so much
My husband was diagnosed in 1989.
I'm coming back online shortly
But to let you know that online most nights most of us girls get on the night shift line

[PeppiPatty]

My dear @Morris

I read your message
This forum helps me so much
My husband was diagnosed in 1989.
I'm coming back online shortly
But to let you know that online most nights most of us girls get on the night shift line

How are you today ?
I've understand what you are going through because I've both been there and am going through it
The most important thing is to find yourself support ....... Take care of you .........
This is very difficult to know how to do that it took me years and years to work that out

Is Arafmi or MFWA a place that you would phone to find support ?
Also seeing your GP : they may be able for you to get a support worker to help you get help during the day
Looking forward to writing to you again
PeppiPatty

[artee]

@Morris
No you are not alone. I understand what you are feeling. I'm there too.

I'm frustrated, isolated and exhausted. And my hubby thinks I'm the problem. he's decided I can't tell him his behaviour isn't acceptable. He's decided he can act however he likes - treat me like nothing and get away with it because his 'brain doesn't work' and I refuse to understand. But I should accept he can be abusive, controlling, demanding and wants to micromanage my day, while he can't remember to do basic things like brush his teeth or take a shower or wash his hands and gets angry when i remind him.

Of course I understand that, but I refuse to be treated like the enemy when I'm the only one who gives a damn that he doesn't end up living under a bridge. But he can't see that either and doesn't care. his empathy is low, in particular for me. He finds it funny when I get hurt or am suffering. He laughs, but then insists he isn't. there is not one thing I've tried from reading hundreds of articles, talking to four counsellors/psychologists/social workers that has made a single bit of difference.

He keeps on pushing my buttons, dozens of times, every single day. I can't leave him to do a simple task without the risk he'll stuff it up. Or he'll hurt himself. Or he'll wreck something - that one is a biggie. he's costing us an absolute fortune in damages and we can't afford it, but he has lost all abililty to understand numbers, so it's 'who cares?" to him.

I am working very hard on getting myself organised, and getting ME back. He took that away from me and it took me a while to realise what he'd done.

[MIFANTCARER]

Yes I understand just how you are feeling, often it can be so over whelming and exhausting.

I am not sure if you have reached out to a mental health or carers services. Many have great educational and support programs to help both adults and children. Just google mental health services or Carers services for your state.

I know it can feel overwhelming and a little embarrassing joining a service but they really can be so helpful and supportive and you do get the opportunity to chat and talk to many people that do live with a similar story to yourself.

I myself am not only a carer but also work in mental health and run a weekly support group in the state that I live in. I also run SMILES a children program helping children that are effected by mental illness how to deal with their emotions and understand what the person they love are going through.

I truly do understand and hope you find support in this forum and outside in the community you live in.

[Morris]

Thank you for your advice. I have made a few calls today to join a local support group. My main concern is for the kids. Is it better for them if he stays at home under really stressful conditions or asking him to go and them only having me? This is what I'm really struggling with. I am worried about where he would go and what would happen to him as well.

[lucky]

Hi, Sounds like all members who are contributing to the blog are "working their butts off" (excuse the expression!) to keep everything "shipshape" while their partners are treating them like dirt! I have learnt that I have a history of "caring too much"! As a wife of many years and mother of 6 kids, I have had to learn some self - care. Sometimes that means changing the way I have done things in the past : eg: I stopped babying my husband in ways I thought were my duty, like not making his breakfafst and lunch every day. He now decides if he eats during the day (or not - mostly gets by on cups of tea/coffee at work!) I decided to move into the spare room as I was DESPERATE to get a decent night's sleep (couldn't survive on 4 hrs!). If he doesn't make the bed (which I always did) well - how impoortant is it? He can get into a crumpled bed at night, if he chooses. I have learnt some of these strategies (and many more) over the past almost 10 years, since joining the WONDERFUL support group called "Al-Anon Family Groups". My husband drinks alone every night after work. He has chronic anxiety and depression. Al-Anon Family Groups  supports the families and friends of problem drinkers. There is also a junior program for teens living with a drinker called "Alateen". Good luck to all!

Lucky