Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Wildrose]

I have just started dating an old friend who I have had limited contact with over the last 20 years.
We have a rocking past however feel this time we are very open and in a comfortable place to talk about our feelings.
I was told the past has held several suicide attempts and that I'm free to ask any questions so about it.
I'm totally lost with this information and how to process it, it feels too big for me to understand.
Don't want to sweep it under the carpet but unsure even where to being.
Anyone with any sort of insight or guidance welcome. Thanks

[Former-Member]

Hi @Wildrose
My husband attempted suicide, I am happy to answer any questions you might have. Would be helpful to know if there is any diagnosis.
Darcy

[Former-Member]

Hello @Wildrose @Former-Member

Suicidal thoughts are generally at a time when a person has given up on themselves. They are totally overwhelmed and no longer thinking rationally. In most cases they think that the people who are important to them in their lives will be better off without them.

Most importantly then, do not judge.

Secondly, your friend has openly told you of his experiences which is a wonderful way to start a relationship. Many people who have had no mental illness symptoms, no suicidal thoughts do not have this quality. Yet are considered "normal".

Secondly then, forget "normal", no such thing.

I think that it is wonderful also that you have made the effort to seek some answers. This is a good place to ask. You can get some firsthand information. You will also find that it is different for every person. Therefore same as above, we are all unique with or without mental illness symptoms. We are all still people with feelings, thoughts, compassion and some of us great empathy regardless of our "mental wellness".

You might like to check out the other side, Lived Experience. There are different sections under the heading." Our stories" springs to mind. Just browse and see if anything is helpful.

Some carers fit on both sides. I do myself.

You can read real life stories on this website. At the top of the page you will find various headings.

You can also ring and speak to someone at sane; telephone no top right hand corner.

All of the threads are written by people with firsthand experience of caring, or living with mental illness.    Any medical questions should be sought via a professional in the field.

As in any new relationship, getting to know the person is so important; taking it slowly; building a strong friendship first is paramount. I wish you both all the best.

[Wildrose]

What a wonderful forum!!

He has been very open and invited me to ask any questions I have.

He suffered depression and anxiety a couple of years ago which led to serval suicide attempts. No longer feels the need for any profession assistance or medication. Has the occasional down day and feels he knows where to go to seek help early if it ever came back rather than trying to deal with it on his own.

This morning I have started 3 lists for my questions: past, future and questions for me

My siblings have a history of physical illness and I have been mentally approaching this the same way I would if I meet someone with medical illness which I’m not sure is the right way to go about it. Logical: what was it , what happen, who/what helped, what is the situation now etc etc.

I only found out this week, although it wasn’t a surprise based on seeing him a few years ago knowing he wasn’t well then. Today I have only asked a few little questions to find out the diagnosis and if he still sort help.

Was thinking of writing my list of questions then sitting down face to face to chat about them. Think that will help with future openness on the topic.

[Former-Member]

@Wildrose

I have always found it easier to think of a mental health diagnosis in the way of a medical illness as that is precisely what it is.

My husband (Mr Darcy) has a working diagnosis at present of bipolar ii, but has included anxiety, major depression and psychotic depression.

I think the only way I can understand his suicide attempts is that they were a symptom of a major psychiatric disorder (which can terminal by way of self harm if not properly treated). If he did not have the disorder it is unlikely that he would have attempted.

It has been very difficult for him to come to terms with his last attempt as it resulted in multiple fractures but thankfully no neurological deficits.

For me personally it was a very stressful time, he was in hospital when he attempted so I don't have the burden of guilt that some carry in relation to what they might have done to prevent it, but to nearly lose my life partner and to see my man so unwell for the preceding two years was heartbreaking.

Now that he is on what I hope is appropriate medication and has stabilised, he is not having suicidal thoughts. I am hoping that we can soon say he is in remission. However I think it fair to say in many ways I am scared he will relapse.

I am very fortunate that Mr Darcy is happy to involve me in his health care.

It has been a long, long time since I was dating and I have what probably would be seen as quite old fashioned values.

There are three things I think are very important in a relationship.
1. A safety plan needs to be in place so that we know what to do if things go down hill. My husband is aware I will call in supports irrespective of his wishes if he were to deteriorate.
2. I must be involved as part of his health plan. I am now legally his enduring guardian but before that it needed to be noted that he was happy for me to be included. As he is regarded high risk I do dispense his meds.

[Former-Member]

3. That he will take his meds as prescribed and only make changes after discussion with the treating team and that he will not self medicate with drugs or alcohol.

I am very fortunate that Mr Darcy seems to be happy with these terms and conditions, without them I do not think I could sustain our relationship.

I think it is possible to recover from anxiety and depression as one can recover from cancer, but one needs to be alert for signs of recurrence (alert but not alarmed).

Take care @Wildrose
Darcy

[Shaz51]

Hello @Wildrose 

My husband attempted suicide a couple of times in the past, . , before we got married 10 years ago

he has taken himself to hospital since then but has not gone back again