SANE Forums

[Matty19901]

Sorry to bring this up again but I'm really struggling with all of this. My dad treated me like crap growing up putting me down telling me I shouldn't do sports or practical stuff to name a couple as apparently I ain't good at it. On top of that he would encourage my 2 brothers when they wanted to do something. So this has messed with my confidence my emotions and I'm a people pleaser due to this as well. 

I am so lost I've tried therapy but they gave me things to do that were surface level stuff and never worked

I'm at the point where I don't know what to do anymore and I'm over it ruining my mental health 

If anyone has any advice that maybe helped them in a similar situation that would be great 

[ArraDreaming]

Hi @Matty19901 I have been through a lot of childhood trauma
even now as an adult I am still realising I do certain things because of that trauma
For example, my Mrs pointed out of me recently that I am really protective over food, and I often when budget allows over-buy and stockpile things, I am constantly buying food to have for “when we don’t have anything else” even when there is plenty already, when the money is there to spend on food, I will use it to the cent, I never realised I do it but upon reflection I do it as a security thing, when we were growing up we didn’t have the luxury of a full pantry or a a fridge full of fresh food and veg, so if I can afford it I do it and go overboard because I want to know that I and my family will be able to eat tomorrow, but in reality if i looked hard enough we would have weeks if not months worth of food in this house already. 
I’m constantly working out that some things I do are a trauma response but it has taken so long!!
I’m sorry I can’t stay and talk I am going now but we can talk another time

[MJG017]

@Matty19901I know what you mean, my father never did anything with me as well and never really encouraged me with anything.  We were just totally different people.  It had all the same long term effects you mentioned.

As for advice... i really wish I had some, I could then follow it myself.  I always kept stuff to myself, but the past 18 months or so I've reached out to men's groups and psychologists.  The men's group is good and helps me, but with the psychologist I had the same feeling about it your did, just surface level stuff, point out things I already knew.  I've been told I just need to find the right psychologist but I'm not sure.  It helped initially just to talk to someone and say these things out load to another person, but now I feel I need some solutions, or at least steps to start down that path.

I did some research recently and discovered "insecure attachment styles" which seems to pretty accurately describe my issues from not getting much, if any, emotional support while growing up.  I'm looking to get some help with that currently so we'll see how that goes.  I mentioned it to my current psychologist and she agreed it sounds like it describes a lot of my issues and then wished me well in getting some help with it.  I took that as a hint I wasn't getting it there.

So the only thing I can suggest is to keep trying, and especially new things.  Something is bound to help eventually.  Hopefully for me, it's seeing someone who knows how to deal with this insecure attachment style.  Other than that, I've found my local men's group very supportive and a great help.  It's nice to hear positive, encouraging words from people to make me feel more confident in myself.  Best of luck with it, I hope you find something that works for you soon.  Hopefully you don't have to wait until you're in your 50s to start to find people who can help you like I have.

[Glisten]

Hi 👋🏼 @Matty19901 it’s not fair and you didn’t deserve how your father treated you.

You didn’t mention the type of therapy you tried? Therapy isn’t a One Size Fits All. CBT doesn’t work for me. Hypnosis does, but I can’t afford it atm.

As a former People Pleaser, I have to constantly watch myself, slow down and ask if I’m doing something for the right reason.

I had to learn how to use Boundaries effectively and put my needs first and you have the RIGHT TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.

G

[Matty19901]

@Glisten I'm not exactly sure how to set boundaries 

[Glisten]

@Matty19901 do you want to learn how to use Boundaries?

I’m going to tag in some help @Jynx @Tilz 

G

[Matty19901]

@Glisten do I just message those people u tagged? 

[Glisten]

@Matty19901 Sure. But they will read it anyway and respond to you directly.

Hope you get some sleep.

G

[PeppyPatti]

Dear @Matty19901 @MJG017 @Glisten @ArraDreaming 

Cool on boundaries. When @ArraDreaming started writing about buying food I felt omg this is me, me, all those years....and also for me it was clothes. Weird I know but I was not allowed to wear my individuality. And I had none.  

I dunno I'm no good with boundaries and I'm glad @Glisten wrote about the experts @Jynx and @tyme 

But I think it's about putting yourself first. 

I do know relationship 'therapy,' doesn't work in the  it takes two to tango -- your, my therapy it about something different. 

Maybe the therapy you were having was not working because of the deepness of trauma that you have experienced ?

[Minkie-Rose]

Hi @Matty19901 

Thank you for sharing your story. Having the courage to recognise and address the residual trauma of adverse childhood events, is something that you should be very proud of.

Over a period of five decades, I have come to realise that the people we love can sometimes hurt us, including parents/caregivers. In addition, I have found that love and unconditional positive is often drawn from outside of the family.

In addition to these thoughts, I understand the negative impacts of insensitive comments. In this regard, I know that your inner strength, self worth and confidence in your abilities, will provide you with a pathway to healing.

Lastly, I wonder have you considered seeing another counsellor?

I ask this, as it can sometimes take people a few goes before finding a counsellor that is the right fit for them. Also, a great therapy for emotional healing is acceptance commitment therapy. This approach helps people to stop worrying, and to use their positive values to commit to a better life. 

Stay strong and proud. And please remember that personal validation comes from within, and not from anyone else.