Struggling with emotional intimacy

[Iffyvalant]

Hi,

I am new to posting here.. 

I need help to understand why I struggle so harddd with emotional intimacy and if there's ideas on how I can fix it

I have an issue where I am okay and feel safe with physical intimacy while dating but the moment I feel there's an emotional connection, I just can't handle it 

I have a long history of self sabotaging what were otherwise wonderful connections with amazing people because of this issue

Most people say they can't have physical intimacy without an emotional connection but I am almost the exact opposite and even with physical chemistry, I get so fkn scared when it becomes emotional 

It feels like I'm emotionally out of control and it's scary and makes me feel unsafe.

Today I tried to end things with a woman I really care about just because I felt like I was feeling too much for her emotionally. I know I hurt her by doing so and for certain I confused the hell out of her because things have been so good. She's agreed to take things really slow but I'm still so anxious. I am also a woman if that makes any difference 

I don't know how to overcome this issue. I've been told many times I am hard to get to know. I just don't know how to feel safe opening up and being emotionally accessible to anyone

[Jynx]

Hey @Iffyvalant welcome to the forums!! Glad to have you with us 😊

Reading your post, my first thought off the bat was that you might be aromantic! Maybe you've already explored this avenue, but yeah just thought I'd share. I identify as asexual/demisexual myself and whoooo boy, do people really not understand. 

That is just one way of making sense of the experience, and if it is a comfort, wonderful - if not, it doesn't mean you're 'broken' or anything. Regardless of what hollywood tries to tell us, emotional intimacy is A LOT. Being vulnerable like that with someone can be soooo scary if our minds and bodies are not accustomed to it. Like for example if your emotional expressions were shut down or ignored as a child, then your system has learned that being emotionally open leads to pain. 

Is this something you've ever explored w a therapist or counsellor? 

[Mille]

Hi @Iffyvalant 

I think this is more common than we realise. 

I too am struggling with connecting romantically. I also feel extremely unsafe once I like someone or know someone is falling for me. I feel suffocated and terrified and want to run. 

I am yet to explore this with my therapist but I’m desperately sad that I have a block re connecting romantically. 

I hope that helps, to hear you’re not alone in this experience. 

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing @Mille and welcome to the forums.

Yes, it certainly sounds like this is more common than we realise. It is good to be able to hear each others' stories and connect with each other on common ground.

@Mille , good on you for raising this with your therapist. We look forward to hearing how it goes.

Tagging you too @Iffyvalant  🙂

[Iffyvalant]

Thanks Mille 🙂 it does help to know that I'm not alone!

I have tried to broach the subject with a wonderful therapist before but then this same emotional block wouldn't allow me to open fully to her either 😅🙃 - I have to try again! Nothing will change otherwise I'm afraid

[Iffyvalant]

Thanks heaps @Jynx

I do have romantic interest in others so not sure aromantic would be me but I do resonate with all of your second paragraph, for sure.

I think it's definitely routed in some kind of child trauma but it's not obvious to me what or where this block originated.. maybe I need to work that out first before I can find the right solution.

Anyway, I appreciate you responding. Thank you!

Back to therapy I go ❤

[Jynx]

@Iffyvalant you're very welcome! It can be so hard to figure out hey, like cool I'm delving into a personal mystery! Oh... wait... this mystery is full of pain 😩

I think for me, the hardest thing was the fact that my parents didn't seem like bad parents, like they told us they loved us and they tried to ensure we were looked after, and they took us on holidays and stuff... so I used to absolutely TORTURE myself with guilt about having mental health issues because "Nothing bad happened to me as a kid". Turns out, they were doing their best, and only human... but also were emotionally neglectful, and my dad in particular has traits of narcissism. Took me a while to start recognising the elements of coersion and control from him that were sprinkled throughout my childhood! 

I guess what I'm getting at, is that untangling this stuff can be tricky! It's kinda like having to go back and review my childhood with my adult mind lol. Anyway, I hope you find a good therapist to help you to go delving into your own!! 😊💜