Any advice

[fuzzyraven]

I honestly just feel so lost right now and would appreciate any advice

There is this girl that I met for the first time around six years ago, and ever since I met her i’ve liked her. Just everything about her is so perfect in my eyes. We have been eachothers closest friends at point in our lives, including right now, and have even dated for a small amount of time which ended due to her loosing feelings at the start of our friendship, however my feelings for her never faded. We then continued to have an on and off periods, mainly for her i think, of liking eachother and not for around 2 years.

I had a friend who i’ll call mike who also liked this girl, we never spoke about it but it was like there was just always this competition between us for her. And one night after talking to my two closest friends who i stupidly listened to, i decided to just give up and let mike have it. (It sounds bad i know like she is some kind of trophy but this is just the best way i can explain it)

for the next 2 years mike and her were in an on and off relationship and every second off it killed me, i tried countless times to move on and just find someone else and sometimes i thought it worked, but all it would take is just one small conversation at a party or over the phone ect. and all the feelings would be back instantly. Every single time.

Specifically at a more recent party, I hadn’t talked to this girl in quite sometime, we didn’t hate eachother or anything it was just that I decided to not talk to her out of respect to her and mikes relationship and my own wellbeing i guess. She was clearly drunk and i was in a room sitting on the ground talking to some people about random things when she comes in and sits on the ground directly in front of me. I said hi and just basic small talk because i already knew that if i had a conversation with her that night, all of my feelings would resurface. Long story short we basically talked for the rest of the party about how we don’t talk anymore and her problems with her relationship with mike. And as i suspected, all of it came back all at once.

Since that night we have been talking again as friends and recently her and mike broke up, not under my influence or anything i actually advised her to talk to him about her feelings before doing anything like breaking up with him but mike just never wanted to talk about it. Anyways we have been close recently and there are just these small signs that i’m picking up on that maybe she likes me, I just really don’t know.

Here is the main dilemma i’m in currently. I could either go for her, loose all of my friends in the process (and i know i will because this has happened to someone who used to be in my friend group and they’re not anymore because of it) and potentially not even get with her and just torture myself for more years but I might have a chance to be with her, or not try and just be her friend but have mike not respect me as much as he used to and influencing others opinion about me (i have already talked to mike about me and her being friends after the breakup which he said he was “fine” with) and still torture myself as i will never be with her just friends but also the friendship aspect could be enough for me and i can find someone else. Or i can just stop being friends with her and waste six years of my life and any relationship experience and have friends but loose my closest friend.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @fuzzyraven 

I read there are strong feelings for her, but I feel that door things to work, it needs to be from her side too.

 Have you considered asking her how she feels? That is, does she feel there’s a future for you two to be together?

Asking this question may be the answer to your dilemma.

 Good luck with it

[fuzzyraven]

I just don’t know if she does feel the same way, like there are signs but maybe i’m just making these sign up in my head. and if she doesn’t then that has potential to ruin the entire friendship. I feel like talking to her about it could just ruin everything and at the end of it i won’t even have a friendship left.

[Ipponka]

Hey @fuzzyraven, I feel that if you feel like there is connection, platonic, romantic or otherwise. You guys should be close enough to be able to have an honest and open conversation and trust that you will both come out of it in a way that suits both of you. 

How me and my (now ex, 8 years later) got together was that we both felt we had a deep connection and she said that "I like you, and if you don't like me back, then I think we need to start setting some boundaries" and to be honest I think that was the best thing she could have said.

If I didn't reciprocate then she communicated clearly that things we getting far more intimate that what she felt was appropriate but she still valued our friendship and she trusted me enough to respect that and we would have pulled back and worked together to find a new balance that was appropriate for both of us.

The stereotype is that you might "ruin" things or "make it weird" but you clearly feel something for this person and if you like her enough know you at least want to go for it, I imagine you know her well enough to trust her to see how intimate things are being and pull back on feeding that connection but maintaining what must be a very important friendship for the both of you. She will respect you for communicating that clearly and honestly. I was fortunate enough to have a long, loving relationship with someone who cared about me and I cared about deeply. Despite the issues we had an it's eventual end (You can read about it in my own post history if you like), I don't regret getting into it at all. She was the best thing that happened to me and I know I will be forever thankful that she made that leap and told me how she felt, she went from cherished friend to life partner for a time.

All the best mate. If you decide you want to just enjoy what you have and see how things go for a little while, to be honest, that's okay too :).