Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[sybill07]

hi

so i know in theory we are meant to look after ourselves so we don't fall over.

but what about when you do?

my brain is overheating and its affecting my ability to think, plan, and all sorts.

i know what i need to do and have to do but i haven't had a chance to do it because i've been busy looking after his needs, and of course now it is too late and the brain is overheating...

how do people live with this stress and responsibility? when your partner is basically a giant child, you can't have intelligent discussion anymore, you can't really have a partner.

i was trying to go day by day, baby steps but it all piled up ...

[Mosaic]

Hi @sybill07 thanks for sharing. I know many members here could relate to what you're going through - feeling as though their partner is more of a child or dependent than a friend/partner/lover etc. One member in particular that comes to mind is @artee who has been caring for her husband with an ABI. You can read more about her experience here. A while ago @zipper began a discussion about wives caring for husbands, which many people in the carers forums continue to find helpful. Feel free to join in that conversation if you feel moved to.

Can I ask how long have you felt this way about your relationship?

[NikNik]

Hi @sybill07

It's nice to 'see' you again - though it's unfortunate circumstances. 

You might be interested in a webinar we ran last night for carers 

https://attendee.gotowebinar.com/recording/5781111569694172939

and tomorrow night we are running a session on connecting and communicating with a loved one when they are unwell. You can find more information here 

Next week we are running a session for carers on the NDIS too. For a full run down on what's coming up - you can check out this page

I think the first link might be helpful for what you're expeirencing at the moment.

It sounds like among all that's going on, you haven't had space to nurture your relationship or yourself. @Mosaic has given some great sugestions and raised some good points.

[Jane9]

Hi sybill07,

I can relate to what you're saying about your partner as a giant child. My partner goes into regressive mode when stressed, hiding in bed in the middle of the day or going quiet and looking blankly at me like a wide eyed baby. Sometimes there's even baby talk and yet my partner is a competent professional in work mode.

I get that you want an equal relationship. It's a lot of stress , responsibility and burden to be a partner/carer. It's been hard for me to accept the need to set boundaries for my own sanity but doing that has been helpful (thanks carers forum) . I just have to let my partner deal with her own stuff as much as I can without jumping in and trying to problem solve or get angry and resentful..set limits. I've felt much better from forcing myself to make greater space for time with friends and something as simple as picking up gardening as a new hobby has been great... Anything to focus on that's just mine.

I've totally lost it before though and get the brain overload thing. I've often considered walking away from it all and I look back and wonder how I got through the last two years where I spent so much energy surviving the relationship that I can hardly remember what else I did. I lost a sense of myself.

Now I feel more myself again and it's a good thing. Too much time focussing on our loved ones needs and not on our own and others in our lives can be exhausting, draining and overwhelming . I feel more able to think and plan etc when I feel more in touch with my own needs and have time for myself and feel more grounded. Losing myself in my partners issues lead to too much brain fog. I wish you well.

Take care

Jane

[sybill07]

thanks

its beenongoing for nearly 10 years now

last year it all got worse. since then ive needed to really care for him. and deal with centrelink. but i cant get the carers pension.

we cant pay rent and thus we have to move. the salvos said our rent (which is perfectly ordinary) is unsustainable.

so thats that.

he;ll return to his family in a civilised country and i will go to my parents and then follow when i can.

what do i take from this? never get sick in australia.