Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Attahua]

I haven't posted in awhile but need advice!! This has been a turbulent year to say the least. My partner was hospitalised for about two months back in March after his phizoeffetive disorder got the better of him, no sooner was he home then my gorgeous 16 year old daughter 's anxiety really kicked in resulting in a lot of days of not bring able to get out of bed and a lot of year 11 missed ( still kept her grades up though and is back at school) then my elderly grandmother died last month unexpectedly which has been a huge shock to the family and then last week I had to have our gorgeous 14 year old cat put down which really tipped me over the edge!!! My partner of nearly 7 years has , for the second time in the past two years, left his casual job to head to a remote outback town to follow his dream of finding opal!!! This has left me with two mortgages and bills to pay but as I work full time I can manage this!!!! My issue is that the way I see it is in my eyes he should be working to make a better life for us as a family, he should be supporting his family not just dropping everything on a pipe dream and leaving me to pay the bills then thinking he can waltz back in when he gets sick of mining !!! Maybe I am being too harsh as he has no children but has been in my daughter's life got going on 7 years now! I have put my foot down this time as whilst I relish the temporary break as it was a long time coming I have also said that he made the decision to head back to the fields so now he has to live with that consequence and stay there until we have had further discussions rather than just come and go as he sees fit!!! Am I being too harsh??? 

[Attahua]

Please excuse the misspellings and other errors as wrote this very quickly

[Former-Member]

Hi Attahua

It sounds like you have has a tough time this year and through this you have continued to be a stable and consistent support for your partner and your daughter. Providing this level of support to someone, and even moreso for when you are supporting two people, can be taxing for you. It is important that you know what you need to keep yourself emotionally in check. Do you have self care strategies or thinks that you do to look after yourself?

[Lunar]

Morning @Attahua,

Wow there has been a lot going on for you and the family the past year, no wonder you are feeling stressed! I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother and cat that sounds heartbreaking. And top of that your partner's mental health and going outback.

It sounds like you putting your foot down is part of your self-care being a priority at this point. If there are things you feel that need to change in your life in order to ease stress then that is what has to be done for you right now, do you agree?

I am concerned about you and your mental health, are you linked with supports such as a counsellor or friends and family who can be there for you right now?

lunar

[Attahua]

Thankyou so much for replying!!! I often refer to this site but found that this time when I really needed to hear from someone my inbox remained empty......so Thankyou so much X

[Attahua]

Thankyou Lunar!! I too am concerned about my own mental health in all honesty and have tried to fo things to help myself but although I had a care plan done back on June 4th I am still on the waiting list to speak to someone and quite honestly the stress is building but I feel I have no outlet which is a first for me as usually when I feel this way I am able to get support relatively quickly but that is not happening right now so I am feeling overwhelmed and quite simply over it all

[Splash]

You should consider the possibly that by mining for Opal your partner thinks that he will be able to financially contribute to your partnership. You may realise it is not a real job but name he doesn't see it the same way.
I realise rhis doesn't help much but sometimes if we can see things from the other persons point of viewing is easier to cope with even if their point of view is ridiculous.

[Appleblossom]

No @Attahua I dont think you are being harsh at all.  it is fair to set those boundaries about coming and going and that all contribute to the household.

It is difficult when 2 adults might have different expectations as to what constitutes responsible living.

Some are more materialistic than others. A lot of people are having maintaing relationships but with more distance within them.  Only you will know what is right for you and your daughter.

At a recent wedding I sat next to a retired couple who had spent 15 years living in a dugout and he was opal mining, following that dream, in retirement, but they were returning to the big smoke as they were aging and needing more services.

It about values. Having done Geology, I might be be prepared to visit and have a holiday with daughter, if there are facilities and you are inclined.  There are also limits to the level of financial or physical responsibility a step parent need to take for another person's child.  I had a lot of guilt trips on me in that regard.

The best thing is to patiently separate things out a bit and then see what you really want to do.