Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Determined]

Thanks @Former-Member @Sophie1 

Things steady here atm @Former-Member 

Darling complaining she still does not feel quite right but can't say why. Well at least she is talking to me about it. 

Had another round of counselling this week.

This is going well. Some good insight underway and tools to work on.

[Determined]

I did have a ride planned for tomorrow but have called it off as I am not quite feeling up to it. Hopefully next week. Not sleeping at all well atm and it is catching up with me. 

Trust all is as well as it  can be for you both. I'm.a bit slack with keeping up at the moment. 

[Eve7]

Thank you so much for sharing your story @Determined Your life is very similar to what my late husband went through with me and also what my son has been going through with his darling (yep, sounds like he married his mother).

I have learned a lot from you being so open and honest as I see myself in your darling and even though I say I had many years free of mi, it was more that I learned to “play the game” and just pretended to the outside world.

My dear hubby went through a torrid time up until his passing (natural causes but poor self care) and I was the cause. Now my son has found himself in a similar situation.

I am currently in hospital for the first time in over 20 years but am trying really hard to be honest with my pdoc. I’m also having ECT but it seems to be going ok.

Thank you once again for sharing your story. Yesterday it triggered me but after talking to my pdoc today I am also determined to become well.

My prayers and support are with you.

[Determined]

Hi @Eve7 , welcome and thankyou for reaching out. 

Im glad that some of what I have shared has been helpful for you, though sorry that some of it has been triggering for you. 

I trust that your current treatment is helpful and you can find some peace and strength.

[Eve7]

Thank you for your kind words @Determined 

No need to be sorry as I am in a safe place and facing those triggers with my pdoc has been helpful.

[Determined]

GP review this afternoon.

Told me maybe I should lower expectations for myself. That kind of feels like giving up though 🥺

[Former-Member]

I guess it depends what expectations GP is referring to @Determined .

[lola]

Hi Determined
lola here, one the mods checking in to see if you are OK
regards
lola

[Former-Member]

@Determined 

I was told to "lower my expectations' too and firmly believe that this was  poorly worded and would have better phrased to say "Your new reality is most likely going to be a lot different than what you anticipated, you will likely find some things you dreamed of doing will not be possible. You may find it hard to come to terms with this as there will be loss. Can I recommend getting some counseling if you finding what is essentially a grief process difficult".

While some people find being a carer their life calling and make a career out of it. For those of us who haven't it can be a struggle when we have sacrificed our chosen line of work to take on a role that on a number of facets we may not feel comfortable with. For myself a recent development is that for a while I have been working at a job that does not challenge me intellectually. While I enjoy less responsibility,  I am wondering what I can do to exercise the grey matter.

Sarah Dailey says:

Expectations, dreams, and longings can be wonderful cartographers, drawing the road maps for what we think our future will be. They can help us to feel motivated when the going gets tough, and provide hope in some dire situations. However, when they are not met, it can break our spirit and make us question our purpose, and rattle our contentment. In essence, we begin to experience a grief response.

Too many people are walking around feeling empty, angry, and hurt by not meeting their own expectations of themselves, others, and how they wanted their life to be. Sometimes this looks like shame and low self-esteem, other times it looks like rage at a partner for not being able to make their expectations come true. Whatever the case, it can rapidly increase the likelihood of making it through the pain if we can call it out and label it as a grief process so that we know what to expect and steps to work through it. 

[Smc]

Oooh @Former-Member, that is hitting the nail on the head. Absolutely.

The grief is real. The love we have for our MI nearest and dearests means more and more gets put aside for their sakes, but because it happens bit by bit, we don't realise at the time how much we are losing. I think it's similar to the slow loss of function that happens with a progressive disease, compared to the sudden loss of function that can happen from an injury or acute illness. It's very easy in the latter case to see that "last month I could do XYZ, this month I can't". But when XYZ have eroded slowly over time, you sometimes don't see the extent of what's happening until it reaches a critical point. So the grieving process over what's been lost is complicated by trying to define what's been lost.

@Determined, yep, @Former-Member's right. It's grief, and it's hard to work through. For Hubby and I, our critical points were when it got to the stage where we had to acknowledge that we were too burnt out to continue working, but a lot of other things got lost along the way there too. Some of them we're trying to claw back, others may have to be permanently surrendered.

Your new counsellor sounds like they're on the ball with helping you out. Maybe they can help you fill out this as well?