Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[MarieCurious]

Hi all,

I'm new to the forum. Was looking for somewhere to share experiences and was pointed in this direction.

I (28F) and living with my partner (29M) who is diagnosed with schizophrenia. For the most part he is doing really well. After a period of long term unemployment, he is now employed in a great job and on a medication regime that seems very effective.

Since such a big part of managing schizophrenia is prevention, even though he is doing well and we are currently in a 'good period' for him, his stress levels, tiredness levels, restlessness, emotions, whims, desires etc are still the main factors that determine how our day will go.

On an intellectual level I recognise that his illness needs to come first and be our primary concern when making any decisions, but the emotional part of me is struggling with the realisation that my needs will never come first and my desires will never take priority over his.

I hate feeling this way. It's not his fault that he is unwell, but I can't help but feel these feelings.

Any advice or anyone in a similar boat?

[Bert]

Hi MarieCurious

Welcome to the forum!

I think you will find that this is a great (safe) place to share thoughts and feelings; challenges and also the positives. In the forums there are lots of people who have first hand experience being carers for people living with MI. So welcome, MarieCurious 🙂

Yes, as you said, a significant part of managing schizophrenia is indeed prevention. And managing MI can be quite tiring - for both the individual and for the carer. As carers, the struggles we face and feel can sometimes "just" be juggling all the emotions that come with the caring role. From what you have written, it appears that your partner is in an encouraging place (in a great job and on medication that seems effective) which is great.

As a carer, it might seem like we have a responsibility to put our needs second constantly. Certainly there are times and situations when this is needed, but the danger can be when we think we have to do this ALL the time. That can be exausting! So I just want to say 'be gentle on yourself.' Take time for yourself. It sounds like your feelings are actually pretty normal and appropriate! (i like the analogy of the flight attendent's advice before the airplane takes off - if in the event of an emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then put the mask on others that you have resposibility for - we are no good to others if we collapse...)

I think it is good that you can identify and articulate your feelings around this!

Once again, welcome!!!

Bert

[mountain]

Hi MarieCurious,

I feel for you, there seems nothing worse than feeling resentful of someone you love and who has a MI.  From looking around the forum it also seems to be a normal thing to feel particularly if there is some stress involved.  I congratulate you on beginning the journey of sharing.

My ex whom I am now a carer for is a medicated Bi polar and I also felt resentment and I disliked myself for it.  So please don't be to hard on yourself.  My resent came due to it was always about him and his needs even for simple things - eg he didn't like certain friends so we couldn't go visiting together but he would get all upset if I went without him.  I learnt over time that I needed to do this for me, even if he didn't like it.  I think sometimes that we could feel our MI partners are more fragile than they are and we make to many decisions even small ones on "will this upset them".

Yes, there are certain times when your partners illness must be 1st proirty but not all the time.  If you are finding it hard to recognise when your needs are important and that you must look after yourself then I suggest talking to your doctor and getting a referral to a counsellor. 

On a different discussion in this forum a link was put up to a great article on boundaries.  The reason I am attaching it is the use of the word resentful.  In this article in point 2 resentment was mentioned as a sign of boundary issues, so it may help. http://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/0007498

Keep posting and sharing it helps

Mountain

[MarieCurious]

Thank you @Bert and @mountain. You've both given me food for though! It's lovely to have found these message boards and not feel so alone 🙂

[Attahua]

I just wanted to say thankyou for putting into words EXACTLY how I am feeling about my fiancé who has schizoeffective disorder!!!! Although mine too is in a relatively good place right now it's the tiredness,restlessness,whims ,desires and sudden mood swings that I find really exhausting as well but as he is as well as he will ever be I feel like there is little to no support from his mental health team!!!! They have just had some changes in their department and we have heard nothing from his supposed new worker and yet they are supposed to contact him fortnightly as he is on a CTO!!!!! I feel resentful at him because although he was working (recently quit his job to fulfill his dream of drilling for opal ,a six hour drive away, I feel guilty when I think....'geez alright for some!!!!' Meanwhile I am home working full time, looking after my teenage daughter and paying two mortgages and other bills! I feel resentful that he can sleep up to 14 hours! I feel drained when I come home from work and then have to listen to what his 'latest project' entails etc etc. I feel annoyed when he sits there telling me about all his latest ideas etc and all I can think is....'why couldn't you just empty the dishwasher, organise dinner etc etc. And I feel guilty for thinking that the UP side to him drilling for opal so far away is that my daughter and I get a break!!!!! So thankyou thankyou for putting into words just how I am feeling.

[MIFANTCARER]

Well come!!!

Sometimes as carers we can feel lost and isolated, finding it difficult to reach out or extened our hand for help and then when we do, we are unsure of who to ask for help, or ask the wrong people that can't provide the help we need. Forums are a great place to connect and share similar stories.

I find as a carer I can have feelings of resent and anger, fustration, the feeling of being overwhemled and completely alone. Than the Guilt will hit me. Such a horrible cycle.

I am not sure if you have connected with Carers Organisations or support and social groups but I also found thses to be helpful and a way to build a community of people that understood and a place I could share my story.

 Great that you shared and know that we do understand.

[Russell]

Hello,

I have a similar situation and feel exactly the same...

I think time will help and we stop feeling that way. That's what I hope.

Goood luck to you.