Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[sharona]

I think it is important that this is a forum for carers,as it is labelled, and that means we can speak openly about our perspectives and issues, without having to walk on eggshells as we do all the time at home and without being accused of being selfish for considering our own well being.

[artee]

Thanks for the links.

We live in a caravan, drifting around so I can't get anyone 'in' to help. We cook only with gas. It's little things, like he doesn't remember to lock the door and there's our cat to consider as well. He doesn't understand hygeine, so won't wash his hands, or put meat away, or know if it's off (that's the most serious) And he is very careless and clumsy. It's not just a fear as I've seen (and stopped) too many acts of carelessness that could easily result in serious hurt.

I'm going to see my sister in the next few weeks and intend to go alone overnight at least. Her partner has early onset dementia, so she understands. I can make hubby stay with a friend for a night. I can't continue to do this though, since we're only in this region until mid January. The climate is unsuitable for my health.

[ivana]

I hope you have a good break at your sisters

Its a shame that none of the respite workers would stay in the caravan with him.Its good hes willing to stay at his friends house though.

It seems like he might reasonably be ok overnight or for a few days alone providing that take out or other ready made food is bought for him (as opposed to cooking) and that any old meat is thrown out prior to the trip. 

Theres many people with Dementia who are able to live in their homes (with modications to make it safer and minimalise risk).

Maybe after Chrstmas you coud mention to your husband that you've decided you want to live in a permanet house?

[artee]

I have plans for a permanent home later in the year. Nobody can stay with him in the caravan because there's no room. There's only a double bed and no other sleeping space. Its not one of the modern super sized vans 😉

[artee]

I have plans for a permanent home later in the year. Nobody can stay with him in the caravan because there's no room. There's only a double bed and no other sleeping space. Its not one of the modern super sized vans 😉

[artee]

I have plans for a permanent home later in the year. Nobody can stay with him in the caravan because there's no room. There's only a double bed and no other sleeping space. Its not one of the modern super sized vans 😉

[Appleblossom]

Things have not been letting up on you ... I am sorry about your loss

Good Luck through the christmas and New Year period. 

The roads are not the safest, so I will be thinking of you both in the caravan.

Keep your plans going.  There should be some better way for you to be able to live and get support from local council and other networks.

I am glad you posted about your feelings.  You should definitely be able to say it ...as it is .. on the this forum .. without fearing you will upset someone.

A permanent home somewhere would make such a difference.

[NikNik]

Hi @artee - I was thinking of you today. I hope all is well. 

Please drop by soon and let us know how you're going.

Nik

[artee]

@NikNik thanks for asking.
We're still housesitting. It's a way to get a little bit of personal space and hubby can take his obsessions and compulsive behaviours out on gardens and animals instead of me 24/7. Things don't improve, can't improve. He's told me the problem is yes, he has a brain injury, but the issue is me, not him. He doesn't have to do anything different because of the injury but I am the issue because I won't let him get away with behaving badly. I will not be treated like dirt, shouted out, insulted or ignored, or laughed at when I'm in pain. He now finds inappropriate things very funny. He doesn't think he should say sorry if he hurts me accidentally (which he does at often through carelessness or panic) because its not necessary to apologise when it's an accident.

My sister is seriously concerned for my safety as he is becoming more and more belligerent and his verbal insults of anyone in authority is escalating and scaring me. He only rants when he's with me because he avoids other people and so I am the only one who hears the tirades. I've realised that he sees me as authority too (hence the rudeness to me) and I'm scared its only a matter of time before it escalates further. He is slowly declining in many ways and I don't think I can continue to manage much longer, so I am looking for ways to support myself  because I have some debilitating health issues that prevent me from working full time any more, even though I turned 48 yesterday.

He told me the other day he'd go to the police if I enacted his power of attorney (which he had made out before his brain injury, but insists wasn't for the condition he's in now) and started shouting abuse at me - in front of a friend. That's the first time he's forgotten to behave in front of anyone else and she was quite surprised at his behaviour.

[Sally]

Hi Artee,

I read your message this morning.  I know that you need to make your own decision about what to do about the problems you are dealing with, but I feel compelled to tell you that as I read your latest post my first instincts were to immediately tell you to LEAVE.  NOW.  Your description of him indicates he is becoming more verbally abusive, aggressive, and disinhibited.  You also state that even you are becoming concerned for your safety.  This is a recipe for disaster, and it can only get worse.  

Ask yourself: Has he threatened to harm you or someone else?  Does he have any history of violent or physically abusive behaviour?   Does he have access to weapons?  You need to make a safety plan for yourself in the event that he becomes physically violent at the very least.  

You may feel obligated to look after this man, or feel concern and sympathy for him because he is someone that you loved, but you deserve and need to look after yourself.  In my personal opinion, you need to get out sooner rather than later.  That's my two cents worth, and I'm sure your situation is not easy or simple.  Take Care X