Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Mrscaptargo]

I've been living in hope that my husband can change, but I'm starting to think that it's me who needs to make the change. Let me explain...
My husband of 10 years suffers from sychisoeffective disorder. He is not violent nor is he reckless, but over the years has been seemed to be less and less able to function when it comes to what I consider relatively simple tasks. He has lost that many jobs that we've made the decision not to pursue employment. But the deal was that he needed to take on a greater role around the house.
But somedays he struggles to do even that. We write a list of about 3 or 4 tasks for him to complete during the day, they are not hard things like cook dinner, vaccum the lounge room, wash the dishes pick up some groceries and occasionally mow the lawn. Some days he gets through the list other days he just lays on the lounge doing nothing, and all I get is tears and empty promises of doing better.
It is now at the point where it is effecting our marriage and I don't know how much more of this I can cope with.

I don't belive that I am asking too much of him nor do I think I'm without sympathy.

We recently tried changing medication and initially things got better but now we are just back to the same old situation.

So I guess my question is:
1. How do I tell what is a symptom and what is just laziness?
2. How do I deal with my own guilt at getting angry and frustrated?
3. When is enough enough and if he can't change how do I make the decision to seperated?

I love him but he is drowning both of us.

[Lunar]

Hello @Mrscaptargo

So sorry you have been having a rough time lately with your partner! You sound as though you are starting to question as to whether you can handle this anymore as well doubting whether his symtpoms are mental health related or if he is just becoming used to a routine of relying on others.

How is everything going with your partner and his mental illness, do you think it would be hepful if he had a review of his mental health, you mentioned he changed medication, but I am just wondering if some counselling would help him develop some strategies for addressing these small tasks as perhaps they are overwhelming him and he is decided to avoid them.

There is also the option of a counsellor for yourself, where you can start to discuss some of the things that are making you feel frustrated and annoyed with him and how you can start to work on telling him without feeling like you are being insensitive to his mental illness.

Has there been a time where this has heppened before and how did you get through it? Or is it completely new territory and you are feeling like it's the last straw?

Here for you and hope you have some self-care options for yourself as it seems that should be a priority for you right now.

Lunar

[Mrscaptargo]

Thanks for your reply Lunar.

We have been to counselling over the past 12 months individually as well as together and we even did some marriage counselling. The results of all the counselling was a psychiatrist reassessment and change of medication.

What don't understand is that he can and had font these things in the past. Which is why I no longer know what to do.

I guess I just needed to vent. Because I hate myself when I get angry at him. 😞

[Lunar]

That sounds really really hard @Mrscaptargo! I am glad you are seeing a counsellor, did they have some suggestions for you during this time at all and have you discussed other options of what to do, even the possibility of leaving?

Please continue to vent on here if that helps, it sounds like such a difficult situation, I feel for you.

Are there any other ways that help you cope such as seeing family or friends, going for walks?

Lunar

[jayskette]

I could have written this word for word. Unfortunately I have no finances to afford any sort of regular counselling/therapy for myself and husband, I have now resorted to just trying to accept it and do as much of it by myself.

[Lunar]

Hi there @jayskette

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through a similar difficult situation with your partner, that must be so hard not having much support. Have you been able to see your GP and discuss a referral for a psychologist, you get 10 sessions/year with a medicare rebate. There are also other low cost options such as support groups through Grow or your local community centre. There is also Relationships Aus who provide low cost relationship counselling.

Not sure if that is of any help,

Lunar

[Former-Member]

Dear Mrs C

I am grateful that my husband is not violent, is compliant with his medication and involves me in his treatment. Despite this, compassion fatigue regularly knocks at my heart and I firmly bolt the latch so as to not let it in. It is difficult during periods when he does not do much and it is all take and no give. I got 12 free counselling sessions through Carers Australia which helped me immensely.

Does your husband have a therapist? If he does and he is amenable to you speaking to them, ask if your expectations are reasonable. If he doesn't have a therapist, ask his doctor. I understand that one of the main purposes of psychotropic medication is to relieve symptoms so as to enable new behaviours to be learned, ask if anything can be done to increase his motivation. Some doctors will provide therapy.

Does your husband have a hobby outside of home? Having an interest can help him remain positive and help rebuild his self esteem which has probably taken a battering through his loss of health. Having a hobby can improve his sense of well being and in turn his willingness to do things around home. Encouraging someone to be the best they can is important in any relationship. Genuine appreciation when warranted lifts the spirits.

Likewise, it is important that you too have an interest that gives you relief from your caring role and makes you feel good about yourself.

For richer, for better and in health is easy, in sickness ... that is love.

[Appleblossom]

Relationships are different for so many people are different.

I think we do need boundaries ... and that love is many things ... not the same for us all.

 I had the old "til death do us part" .. going around my mind a great deal when I was still married.

When both individuals are dealing with emotional contagion or pressures that damage physical health ..... we do need to question some proverbs ... and quotes... they may be great wisdom for other circumstances but not necessarily our own.

Maybe my father would have lived, if my parents had thought they could separate. He only had pneumonia ... need not have been fatal ... Maybe I would not have become so physically disabled if I thought I could separate earlier .. than I did .. maybe I would have made less emotional mess .. floundering around.

Marriage is not intended to be a death sentence or sour our lives.

I applied for my annulment about 5 years after my divorce and it really opened my eyes to some of the good intentions of the "laws" of the church. It was granted in about 2 years .. it was a life-giving process for me.  I learned that the marital bond was not meant to be punishment .. just protection .. if protection is not happening ... then its not a true union.

Attitudes that forget marriage is ultimately a love relationship .. but make it a competition .. of how much pain was endured or ...money made ... children had ...  "you made your bed ... and you lie in it" .. as my auntie wrote to my mother ... this type of thinking sews a lot of bitterness in people's hearts and creates a lot of confusion & discord.  Now I refer to that aunt as simply ... "mother of a drug dealer" ... she was always so sure of her self ...

Sometimes the expectation that 'til death do us part' .. lets the more narcissistic partner take advantage in the relationship.  Like my husband going out and getting drunk with his mates when he got the news that we were to get custody of his daughter ... there was no coming home and cementing his relationship with me with good times, promises, plans or tenderness.  Maybe I was an idiot to stay .. as I wasnt even married then .. but I had promised myself in my mind to his child .. 

I believe love .. can be leaving too ... I was very careful in my leaving ... tried not to disturb the social & educational stability of the children  .. no matter how disfunctional it seems I know it could have been a great deal worse ... I have seen plenty of damaged people of my children's generation and know that relatively speaking ... my 3 kids are ok. .. they have stacks of resilience and skills.  I simply had too many people with serious diagnoses in my immediate life to hold a family together. 

Each person has to look to their own conscience and make their own decisions.

There is the co-dependency model too .. where one enables anothers lack of function .. 

[Shaz51]

Hello @jayskette

My Husband who has MI does not want any sort of regular counselling/therapy for himself or me

, I have now resorted to just trying to accept it and do as much of it by myself.

I have done this by doing my own research  and I have found the Forum has helped me sooo much over the year

Remember you are not alone xx and we are all here to help each other

Hello @Mrscaptargo, @Appleblossom, @Former-Member, @Lunar

[Splash]

I am having the same problem with my son.(26).I have decided.
1.You cant. It is up to him to manage his symptoms and his laziness.
2. Frustration is from expecting things from him that he is not going to do. Don't expect anything and you will not get frustrated but Willie happier and better able to compliment him when he does do something.
3. Only you can answer this one. Every so often I look at my life and ask myself if I am where I want to be and if not what do I need to do to get there.
Ask yourself do you want to be married to this man if he can do nothing for himself.
Why did you marry him
Will that reason still stand if he can do nothing for himself and the health system can't help him.
If that reason doesn't stand what do you need to make it stand.