Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Maple]

I am certain my husband has Bipolar but not yet diagnosed. Or else he hasnt told me. He is currently in a very depressive phase and has not worked for a year. Initially his idea was to take some long service leave after working long hard hours for over 10 years. But now our funds are very low. I can see it may be a long time before he gets back to work and it is really scaring me. I cant believe I am in this situation with very little income and no improvement in his health yet.

I left my well paid career to have children 10 years ago and we agreed he would be the income earner and I would return to work when the kids went to school. We have never been very well off but we have done ok and the kids are in an Independant School (requires fees like a private school). I began Part time work 4 years ago to improve our lifestyle. Now I am trying to get full time work and very dismayed at the lack of responses from all the applications I have made. I am desperate to see if there is some sort of financial support in this situation. I know it looks like I have to pull the kids out of a school they love and have their friends at, the hardest thing is feeling so on my own with it. My husband doesnt seem to be in the real world I had always counted on him for assisting me with budgeting etc. but now I have to do it on my own. When I try to discuss anything of concern or make plans he just retreats to bed. He sleeps, he doesnt respond, sometimes he just looks right through me.

I am really scared of the changes that I need to make and the future for us. I feel like all our dreams and plans together are fading...I feel really ripped off and alone with the decisions I have to make. He says he knows how serious things have got but I dont know that it sinks in.

I feel stupid not to have seen this coming. I was hopeful he would improve and continue to get help but I am not sure he is. I have given him the ultimatum of allowing me to be a part of his recovery and allowing me to come to the doctor with him because of the impact it is having on us all. He has always kept me at a distance with his treatment and I trusted in that, but its not working.

Anyway, does anyone know if he can get financial assistance, or me for that matter trying to care for him?

I am even worried about having the money to pay for treatment.

[Lunar]

Hi there @Maple,

It sounds like you and your husband have been having a rough time the past year or so, well done on an amazing job supporting him through this time and especially through his recent depressive phase.

You mentioned he was not diagnosed with Bipolar, or at least not that you know of, is there any chance of perhaps collaborating in seeing the GP for a review of his mental health? The GP may be able to refer him to see a Psychologist through the Mental Health Plan in which he would receive 10 sessions with a Medicare rebate. This could be helpful as you spoke about not being able to afford treatment?

In regards to financial assistance, Centrelink offers Carers Allowance, in which you would need a diagnosis of a mental illness to be eligible for payments firstly but you would also need to enquire as to whether they provide payments to carers of people with specific mental illnesses as the criteria says ‘medical condition’.

There are further options however, it might also be helpful to speak to:

Carers Australia

1800 242 636

http://www.carersaustralia.com.au/

They can lead you in the right direction for support services within your state.

Health Direct – Respite Care

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/respite-care

Provide a service where someone can provide support to your husband and allow you to work more or take a break from your caring role.

Mental Health Carers Australia

http://www.mentalhealthcarersaustralia.org.au/carer-services/

This link shows a variety of organisations, which depending on your state, can provide services and helpline’s for referrals and advice.

Hopefully some of these options can initially lead you in the right direction. Please feel free to call the Sane Helpline on 1800 18 7263 if you have any more questions or even support for yourself as this is very important.

Take care,

Lunar

[Maple]

Thankyou @Lunar for your advice and direction.

Had a mini breakthrough today as my husband and I see a relationship councilor every 2-3 weeks. The therapist also felt he had Bipolar, or at least it certainly appeared that way. So my husband says he is open to looking into it, reading about it and perhaps going back to the GP for reassessment of his medication and we will ask about some psychologist sessions.

These little hurdles are massive in keeping us going and heading towards healing for my husband and the family. I actually think, as strange as it seems to have a label for something, it also means that there is a path that we can take and head along together. As difficult as that path may get at times...

I am so grateful to this forum for the glimpses I get into what other carers are faced with, knowing that I am not alone, that it IS hard. But with persistance hopefully our outcome will be a good one, or at least better than we have had in years. Financially we have a long road ahead but I am feeling optomistic just now.

[BeHappy]

Hi @Maple,

Caring for a partner with a MI is a long road indeed but from the sounds of it, you've been pretty resourceful coming on here, and seeing a relationship counsellor. I'm glad that you can see some hope.

You mentioned that your husband worked for 10 years in a job where he worked long long hours. I wonder if this is a contributing factor to his mental health? Was he burnt-out once he finished, or did he enjoy his work? Not that I'm suggesting that work is the answer, just wondering if it contributed to the deteoriation in his mental health.

I hope you and your family are doing ok. *hugs to you**

[Maple]

Hi @BeHappy

I absolutely believe his long hours of work were a contributing factor!

But, I also think he allowed work to consume him too, to escape, or provide an outlet for his manic periods. I often said to him, if the hours are too much and the company wont allow you to reduce them a little then it would be better for you to find another job. He is very skilled at his work and highly regarded in his industry and among his peers, he would never find it difficult to get work, but he wouldnt even consider this as an option. Even now with his inability to work, people are offering him work but he is not ready to do it.

In the years that he worked long hours, during weekends or holiday breaks he would take on mammoth jobs at home to do. Jobs that would require at least 4 people to complete. He loved the challenge and planning, revelled in the recall of a big job that he did it single handed, but he would also disregard the families' needs when in the midst of a project. No time to sit for lunch or sit with the kids and I for dinner, it HAD to get done, I could see the intensity and single minded focus that only saw what he was crazy about getting done. For jobs at home there are no timelines as I could see it.

The major shift in him being unable to cope came when his workplace became intolerable. His employer abused his loyalty and comittment to his job. He got them out of many binds and made a lot of money for them. He was not appreciated or thanked, and he tried harder and harder. In the end he decided he just couldnt go back after a 2 week break. The director whom he had known well for may years did not even call to wish him well, no card or anything. This also sealed his disillusionment in humanity - as he put it.

Having said all of that, my husband has had a very difficult childhood. Many disturbing things happened to him and have impacted him prior to the work event. I have known my husband since he was a teenager, he is now in his late 40s and in retrospect I can see all the traits that are now hampering him were there years ago. He managed to control, mask or manage them by working like mad, drinking or blaming others, which was credible as he is very intelligent and charming too, some have said he is a little eccentric.

So.... next page.... another day.....one step at a time, we'll see how we go now. Highly recommend a couples councillor for navigating the communication issues and differences in perceptions couples can have. As we also know its a roller coaster, so at the moment I feel on the up, but next time I may be on the down run. Just keep swimming.