Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Grace01]

HI, it has been a while and I apologise.

I had my husband's niece in my care for about 6 weeks.(that's another long story) but she went home last thursday and I flew here back home to Queensland(her new home)

My husband came back from Japan but phoned me a few days earlier to tell me he had no money. I knew this would happen. He said he was so desperate he wanted to "hock" something.  In the last week he stayed in a luxirious Beach Resort and lived it up....going to hot springs everyday.  I told him he is on his own now and has to deal with his debt and not to get me involved. His mother eventually lent him some money. He did manage to go back to work and is working but was insisting on seeing me. I told him I was happy to communicate at times (via texts) if he needed anything but It was difficult for me to see him face-to-face.

He did come over last Saturday to pick up some things for his Tax.  He met me on the front verahdah. He doesn't like to come into the home.  I struggled to look at him and he said, "You are not looking at me". Tears streaming down my face, I tried to explain to him about the tax donation receipts. He was brief and cold and then left, but sent me a text message to ask if I wanted a lift (by car) to the shops. I declined.

It's very sad to see that the man I loved is no longer that person.  I was busy for six weeks with my niece(we were both in emmotional pain) but she kept me company and it kept me oocupied.

Now I am on my own but keeping busy with my health checks and hoping to start a course.  I am seeing another New counseller next week.

I am not sure if the relationship worked for my husband or not.  I think it's an on-off relationship with the woman in Japan.  But he is totally obsessed with Japan.  He told me he purchased three Japanese instruements and wants to learn them.  Everything he tells me is bizarre. 

The struggle I have now is loneliness. I miss my mother and I miss (the husband) I once knew.  This person now scares me because he is so unpredictable.

What I deal with now is grief.  I have to work through the grief of losing my mum, and now my marriage and husband.

I just take each day as it comes but I sure wish I had more support.

Anyway I hope everyone else is doing well.

[NikNik]

@Grace01

I'm so glad you have come back to the Forums.

I think you are doing an amazing job under the circumstances. It seems like you're putting yourself, your health and your interests first, as hard as that is, and that is exceptional. You show so much strength - those big steps are further than a lot of people get. You should be really proud of yourself.

Also the way you have made boundaries for yourself - even when your husband came around, it sounds like you did an excellent job at maintaining those boundaries for yourself and not take that lift from him.

You have completely hit the nail on the head when you talk about grief, which is something you can talk to your new counsellor about. @Former-Member shared some great information on Grief here 

I hope you continue to keep on looking after yourself. If you ever just want to pop by and connect with others, we have a great thread called Hot Chocolate Anyone? Hope to see you there.

[pip]

Hi, Grace. The pain you're in right now is monumental. Dealing with the loss of your mum, plus losing your marriage would be difficult because it's two separate emotions. Perhaps if you could put the two loses into two separate boxes, one for mum, one for marriage. I know the pain from losing both is horrendous, but try 'talking' to your mum about her and how much you love and miss her. Don't talk about hubby unless you want to, but your mum was first in your life and she (no doubt) saw you through a lot of 'firsts'. Take some time every day to 'talk' to your mum. Think about the things that made her happy, the secrets you and she shared. You have her in your heart and the memories will always be there. If you have children, you will see her in them, if you don't, I'm sorry if that remark hurt. Talk to her about your days, tell her every day how much you love her. Don't feel guilty for feeling angry that she has passed. Your anger won't hurt her and that's part of grief. Anger, hurt, betrayal, guilt are all a natural grief process and perhaps a grief counsellor might help you deal with some of those feelings which can be pretty powerful. What you feel for your hubby could be a bit of anger that he couldn't/wouldn't be the hubby you wanted. Put him in the other 'box' I mentioned. Deal with that box when you feel a bit stronger emotionally.

[Grace01]

Thanks Nik and PIp. Pip, I feel no anger for my husband, and have forgiven him. Also, for my mum, no anger.  Maybe it will come later.

I miss my mum so much..and yes, I need to think about her more.. She was indeed first in my life.

WE don't have children, (sadly) and a niece I was tking care of recently(left after I had her for six weeks(that's another long story) We lost our baby (2000)...

All I have known is grief...grief upon grief.

I am seeing a new counseller(pyschologist) next week. I hope he will help me work through some issues.

I feel the pain of rejection(from my husband) because he has chosen to look elsewhere...  And I wonder if I was a joke to him or my life was a joke with him. Not sure. 

But he still sends messages of blame....he spent all of his loans overseas, (quit his job) and came back to Australia and has a part time job but taking up another job(and sent me a message today) blaming me because he wanted to have a second job when we were together. He talks nonsense

Hoping to start a course soon. 

Need to make myself feel worthy.

Thanks for your input, both of you

[pip]

Hi Grace 01. I'm glad you have managed to forgive your hubby. I understand your feeling of rejection from hubby. I've just recently discovered someone I thought I had a future with has told me there is no future, or hope, so, yes, I know where you're coming from, there. Think of your mum often, talk to her, share your hopes for your future with her. Whenever you feel doubtful about your future, ask your mum. Her wisdom will come through if you open your heart and allow it. Do you have any medication, short term AD's to help ease the pain you feel? Allow yourself to cry often, for your mum. Crying is important to aid the healing process. Perhaps write a letter telling her you love and miss her. Tell her your plans for seeing a counsellor to help work through your grief.

[Faith-and-Hope]

H @Grace01

I read your post on the day you popped back up here .... good to see you and hear how it has been going.

So glad you got some joy out of the time spent with your niece.  I hoped you would be good for each other - take each other's mind off your own situation in the moments of having to get along in a shared living space.  I felt that if your niece appreciated that you took her in when you could have refused, she would be decent enough about it to respect how you were feeling, and behave herself.

Sounds like that is what happened ....  You were so good to take that on when your reserves were so low at the time.

Really tough having to come in contact with your wayward husband, but it sounds like you had developed enough personal strength and werewithall to tackle that in the moment.  Well done !

Bless you.  Having lost my mum and the special relationship we had, I feel for you.  The pain does dull over time, and I am acutely aware when my turn of phrase, or mode of thinking reflects her.  I think to myself, "oh, there you are ....!"

Join us for coffee on Hot Chocolate Anyone? any time .... and the Night Shifters would love to hear that you're okay too.

🌷💕

[Appleblossom]

It is good that you have chosen a balanced path for your own health and well being. @Grace01 Letting go of a marriage and husband are huge and dificult tasks.  best focus on building your own strength and confidence.

[Grace01]

thanks for the replies........I have not been posting for a while as I have had some computer issues

I am working with my counseller but this is going to be a long journey for me...my faith is all I Have (in God) - I know longer have faith in others like I did....

But thanks again for the support....to trust in others again will be a difficult journey for me - my heart is precious and I would be hesistant in giving it away ever again...I think my husband has done enough damage for me to never trust in a person again.thanks again

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Grace01 .... ❤️💕

Hugs ❣

Hold to your faith.  You will heal .... ❤️💕🌷

[pip]

@Grace01. Learning to trust people can be monumental. The man I had put my hope in has actually proven to be a fabulous support for me emotionally. Once I accepted we may never be together (I won't say, never - I'll say, may never). Once I accepted the situation for what it is, I was able to settle down and work on me. I do love this man and I know he loves me, but what's important for me is to 'meet' me again - get to know who and what I am. This man has been a wonderful support which is what I need more so than a relationship. My ex and his family hurt me and betrayed me terribly, but through this other man, I've come to realize I chose wrong. My ex and family hurt me - no doubt there, but I was wrong not to realize how attached he was to them. I was always an independent person and assumed he was too. The fact that he wasn't and never will be, is not his fault, it's the fault of the way he was raised. He never cheated on his marriage vows by seeing another woman, but allowing his parents free reign to abuse and insult me is also betrayal. I am slowly learning to trust men, (I work with them and those I work with are good), however, that doesn't mean I'm willing to jump into another relationship. I still need time for me and this other man recognizes and keeps enforcing this. If we are meant to be (I'm hopeful), it will happen, when it's right, not before. Meantime, I'm having a ball getting re-acquainted with me.