Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Maree]

I have been married to a man who has depression, possibly ADHD and mood swings for 23 long years. Until recently I had not seen his mood swings as Bipolar until our 18 year old son had two similar events recently AND I learnt that there is a genetic component to the disorder. 

Both have no highs or seemingly manic episodes represented by spending and talking too much or anything that fits the profile. Hubby just cycles into a mood which looks like this: I get the silent treatment; he's the victim of something I have done; He has high, irrational levels of resentment; He brings up the past; he threatens divorce; he is highly critical; I walk on egg shells; he refuses to help me in the house or with anything at all; will not interact with ANYONE outside the house; he has no friends at all; he can't work as it is too stressful; and I am the worst and most deficient wife - especially in the bedroom [in the case of my son - worst mother] in history. And all of it is my fault.

My question is: Does this sound like Bipolar to you? Probably co-morbid...but what else can it be? I am finally facing the fact that this is what I am living with. But it doesn’t fit the fact sheets.

Any suggestions before I end up believing them?

[Hobbit]

Hi @Maree ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums! You have made a really good decision coming here, bexause you will find a whole lot of really wonderful people who can give you support and guidance.

It sounds like a really hard situation you are in there. What I want to say is that NO ONE should be made to feel worthless. In fact, just from reading your post, I can see that you are obviosly a very caring person going through a tough time and actually you show a lot of strength just in reaching out for support like you are doing. So pat yourself on the back for that before anything else!

I really do feel for you Maree. While I can't really comment or give you specific advice in Bipolar, I am sure some other members would love to say hello and give you some support - @PeppiPatty @Eagle @kristin @Alessandra1992 are just a few. Any kind words or advice you could offer Maree guys??

Hobbit.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Maree,

hi, How are you today? Can I write down to what is on my mind without the 'nice day today Beginning paragraphs??
I think I'm probably about the same age or older as I have a son who is almost 25 who experiences most times of mental ill health...I think bipolar but as he spends months in psychosis........he doesn't talk to me whatsoever but allows me to visit him once per year for 7 days. and he listens to me but refuses to take medication.

I think the most important thing here is to only look at yourself. It is a very difficult journey....I remember purchasing hundreds of dollars on Psychotherapy books to work other people out but I thought it was okay for me to be floundering. Only until I started volunteer work in mental health abut 5 years ago, I realised it was all about my self, my presence.

If you want to 'care,' properly for your son, you must care for you first. It is difficult to let people know that they can't criticise you, even call you something that is wrong.

It feels like you haven't had a few days alone in your own for a long time but you need this to redefine yourself. I personally think start with the clothes you like to wear..........
1. This is only a suggestion:

1: buy a scrapbook
2: look through magazines, cut clothes out, take books out of the library on clothes to wear for over 30year olds or over40 year olds.
3 coloured pencils. Work out the colours you like to wear.
work out the shape of clothes you like to wear.
What celebrity clothes do you like?
what shape knickers to you like to wear?

give yourself time to do this activity. Working from the outside in.

I'm just going to mention this. I am personally extremely vulnerable. gone through two painful divorce and separation.....the separation was more painful but honey, this is your life.
Your life to manage.
Everyday can get better. It's a wonderful journey and you are the only one who can decide whether it is too hard or not.
Maybe the first excersise you can do is to work out 'who you don't want to be like.
I don't know. Personally, clothes are always important for me.
I thought I wanted to wear Doctor martens and tie dye clothes but lately when I've been doing this exercise , I've discovered what I really love to wear is embroidered clothes and Clark sandals for women.

[Maree]

I had my kids in my 30's so am in my mid fifties now...

I have remained fairly strong despite what I have been through because of my strong Christian faith and supportive parents & sister who are there for me when I go splat. Well, I lost my dad 20 mths ago...but I spend a lot of time at my Mum's having respite and caring for her. 

But Just this last week, with a double wammy, I crashed and burned...didn't want to get up and do it all over again. So I thought I would read up, reach out and find out if what they have is similar to others with a Bipolar family. I think mine are mild compared to what others face from reading these forums. But still...

Neither suffer psychosis I don't think either - it is just these perpetual awful, irritable, nasty mood swings that leave you exhausted and vulnerable and wondering when to finally get out. 

Clothes is not an issue for me - though I appreciate the need to redefine oneself. I am a "Millers" girl at heart. But am fairly comfortable with me and my style. The advice is good though - sometimes we need to get a new look to build our self esteem. 

Thank you for being there...

[PeppiPatty]

Oh @Maree,

You sounded young and energetic.....how kool is that! I apologise, I'm just pulling ideas out of the barrel..........mood swings.....my first husband had terrible mood swings. He's now diagnosed bi-polar.

Your situation sounds not good, I answered you as soon as I could to affirm your experience.
Please please keep on writing.....you will discover that your experience will help someone else :0)

[Alessandra1992]

Welcome @Maree
Your husband and your son might both have mental health challenges but I think they are also being very unreeasonable..
Being unreasonable can become an ingrained habit such as constant fault finding ..
So perhaps it would be less eggshells for you if you can get tegular and consistent positive feedback from other people who are close to you such as friends or extended family..
Sonetimes y positive feedback comes from my sons psychologist that I am doing a good enough job, and my mother in law who is a rock with her positive regard for our family.
A caters group helped me enormously as did joining craft classes.. I met some wonderful people who guess what? Had walked a similar path..Knowing I wasn't alone gave me a lot of strength and hope on the crappy days and still does..
A diagnosis is helpful if it gives you more to work with and better understanding..
There us lots of hope for people with all kinds of mental health labels and living the role of carer 24/7 is exhausting...
So perhaps you could look after your mental health as if you are you their carer you can get a referral for a mental health plan ...so many carers end up with depression from carrying the load unsupported and alone..
Great strength to have your faith...hugs to you..you are not a crap mother or a crap wife..

[kristin]

Hi @Maree 

A warm welcome to the forums! Wow do I recognise what you are talking about. That was a very short description of how my mum and my former partner behaved, and to be honest probably me many years ago before I started working hard on growing into someone I could respect and like. Sounds a bit like my sister too. Hmm yes we all have bipolar, no it's not an excuse for treating others badly.

Yes there is a genetic component, but it is thought to possibly be triggered into expression by trauma. Anyway here is a link about bipolar from the Black Dog Intitute. I should also mention that mania is not necessarily buying Porsches and thinking you're superman; it can mean feeling incredibly well, that you can achieve anything you set your mind to, and having loads of energy and needing very little sleep.

I self-diagnosed my own bipolar, having had it for at least 30 years and always thought those manic times were when I was well 🙂 - so I never mentioned them to my therapists. When I did go and say "here's the whole history and this is what I think" my psych said yep, type 1. That was only a few years ago. Up until then I'd had diagnoses of severe and chronic depression (since 16), adult ADHD in my early 40s, PTSD in my late 40s, now I'm in my 50s and the shoe fits. It has given me some much better handles on my mental health.

So about your question: well I also have a strong faith. It kept me hanging in there trying to care for my former partner, even after I split up with him, in part because I care about him as a person and in part for my 6yo's sake (he's her dad). I have learned to be very gracious, but the reality is that he was emotionally abusive, negative in the extreme (can't even say "I agree with you", instead says " I don't disagree with you"), and takes no responsibility for his behaviour. We are asked to be gracious, not doormats. Being a doormat enables people to treat us badly, unwittingly giving the message that it's ok. So I stopped being a doormat and started politely and firmly setting boundaries about how I wanted to be spoken to and treated, and what was (&was not) ok behaviour around our daughter.

Only you can decide whether it is time to walk away. I would encourage you to try working out what is important to you in terms of how you are treated/spoken to. And then ask for it, politely and unapologetically. If this is too much to ask of them I guess that's an answer in itself really. 

Bipolar is an illness and it is very difficult to live with, but that doesn't mean it's ok to treat others badly. We are still responsible for our own behaviour. I used to make excuses for my ex, telling myself that it was "his illness talking" when he said something particularly excruciating. When I stopped making excuses for him it made a big difference, to both of us. He did get a bit more respectful, but in the end I had to get him out of my house.

I think what Sandy & Anne (ja47yo) have said is very valid. Clothes are not my thing really either. But feeling good about ourselves can be helped in all sorts of ways. Setting appropriate boundaries and doing things which we enjoy are important steps on the way. I wish you the blessing of good journeying. When it looks darkest ask to be shown the grace in the midst of it. Don't expect it to look any particular way - for example like roses, because then you might miss the tiny mushrooms in the compost 🙂 !

Hope for a journey of self-discovery endures...

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

[PeppiPatty]

@Kristin,

So enjoy reading your spot on messages

Xx

[Maree]

Thanks Kristen - I think this time -you are right - I must put down boundaries with both of them. My Son especially, before he escalates. And also do some family counselling. After Easter I am going to look into it. we also need to do something about where we live. We are too much in each other's pockets. However I took my mum to church this morning and spent the day with her, visiting my lovely Mum-in-law in the Nursing home and being away from home. Mum's is a good place to be. Thanks heaps for your support everyone.

[PeppiPatty]

@Maree,
You are worth it.

This morning a someone I know came up to me, and told me that I have messed him around for 3 weeks...blah blah blah....
I almost burst out crying and said, look, I am so sorry, I have messed you around but didn't intentionally do it. I'm just being very vulnerable these days. Please don't give up on me ......( he offered to fix my car cheap)

I found the power of being honest really was the best way and he is so caring to me being vulnerable, he will still fix my car cheap.
It felt good. That I was being believed.