Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Bluebird15]

Hi there,
I'm new here.
Hopefully I can give a quick rundown with what's going on with me and why I've chosen to reach out...
My brother (in his 40's) has been diagnosed with depression since his 20's.
He also has a number of chronic health issues that have contributed to this as well as bullying issues from the past (high school days) and so on...
Although I'm not his carer (he still lives at home with our parents) I tend to offer whatever support I can by listening to him and texting/emailing (we don't live that close).
Since November last year, his psych has decided to change his medication so, needless to say, things have been as rocky as ever since then.
I always say the lines of communication are always open with me and that I'm here to listen, always, however the last few months I feel myself becoming effected by the lows he has been feeling and find myself becoming more and more distracted, even anxious as to his well being, day to day.
This transition 'issues' to these new meds have been relentless and it seems that he may have a few days of feeling passable when he hits another low, again, and again.

I feel so selfish even writing how it effects me when I know he's going through an agonising time right now, not to mention my poor parents who deal with this day in and day out.
I'm finding that my distraction with this is having a ripple effect on my own family. I'm a mum to to kids and I need to focus on them and my husband, but it's so tricky at them moment. I find in bad tempered (due to more disappointment) as soon as I hear my brother has hit another low or he texts me to tell me how 'terrible' his life is. (And that's just scraping the surface..)

I am starting to feel guilty about having 'fun' in my life as I know that things are anything but fun for him. I'm supposed to go on a little holiday with my husband and kids in a few weeks and I want to be present and happy around them, but I fear I will be gripped by anxiety and guilt about my brother's current situation whilst away. How frivolous it seems to be having a holiday at such a challenging time....

I'm sorry, this wasn't meant to be an essay.
I'm just wondering if someone had some strategies for me to help me cope with all of this? I'm feeling bewildered and overwhelmed.

Once again, thanks in advance.

[pip]

Hi Bluebird 15. You are not in a position to help your brother. If that sounds harsh, in some ways it's meant to, but not in a bad, harsh way. The help he needs is professional. it might be a good idea to mention to your parents that your brother needs professional help and guidance that they cannot provide for him. He may need hospitalization, this is something he needs to discuss with a Dr. Staying home won't help him, you need to be with your family. I would just mention to your parents about getting him help, let them know you'll keep in touch, but go and enjoy your holiday. Don't feel guilty about wanting your life, your hubby and kids want their mum and wife. Enjoy yourself.

[Bluebird15]

Dear Pip,
Thanks you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

Yes, my brother has been seeing his psych every fortnight during this medication change. Apparently according to his psych, the medication is doing what is expected at this stage, but I hear nothing but worse depression and negativity.
His psych has suggested he try and exercise etc, but he says he has no will or motivation to do this at the moment.

He has been hospitalised in the past (years ago) but he said he hated it there due to the quick changing of medication which apparently still gives him nightmares.
His current psych has suggested hospitalisation again (different facility) but he won't have a bar of it unfortunately...

I just miss him and wish things would hurry up and stabilise again- will they ever??

Yes, I know I should go and enjoy myself but I'm finding it hard to block it out. Wish I knew how to control my reaction to this uncontrollable situation.

Thank you so much for your response Pip.

[Rockpool]

Hi @Bluebird15,

A warm welcome to the forums

It sounds like your brother is having a tough time at the moment and it is great that he is linked in with a psychiatrist.  If he has not been coping well since his medication was changed in November, perhaps you could encourage him to have a medication review if you feel comfortable have not done so already.  It may be that the medication he is on is not the right one for him or the dose isnt working well for him. Other than encouraging him to link in with his psychiatrist and perhaps seeing a psychologist for counselling to discuss the issues reated to bullying etc, and being there like you have been there is not much more you can do to support him. The rest will need to come from your brother.

You have been doing an amazing job in being there for him when he needs someone to listen and be there for him.  As you have experienced, this can take a toll on you and the feelings of anxiety, guilt and feeling distracted are completely understandable and common in this type of situation.  While I can hear that you want to be there for your brother, this does not mean that you need to be available all the time. If you feel as though you are in a place emotionally where it may effect you or what you are doing at the time (e.g.: at work, spending time with your kids), it is perfectly ok to have boundaries around this and allow yourself to call or text him back when you are feel as though you are in a better place. 

@pip raises a very good point in that staying home wont help your brother. I would probably argue that going away and having a break would be good for your brother, as it gives you some time away from everything and time to enjoy with your family to recharge and come back refreshed.  This can help with feeling overwhelmed with everything going on and may help you in continuing to support him as you have. Looking after yourself is such an important thing and you dont need to be there constantly, like your parents ae, to feel the impact.  You can still enjoy your life and spending time with your family. I understand that feeling gulity is difficult but hopefully you can find some support here on the forums.

Take care @Bluebird15

[pip]

Dear Bluebird 15. If you know who his Dr is, perhaps you could get in touch with him/her and have a talk about where he is emotionally. Dr's do have Dr/patient confidentiality clauses, but, in certain circumstances this can be waived. Have a talk about your parents role in your brother's care and mention the toll it is taking on them. I have to wonder how honest your brother is being with his psych. If he is only telling his psych what he thinks he/she wants to hear, he is not doing anyone any favours. The psych does have it in his/her power to have your brother temporarily institutionalized if that would benefit. Maybe that's another avenue you could look at with your parents. Sometimes being in hospital helps when medication is being monitored

[Bluebird15]

Hi Rockpool,
So kind of you to write such a helpful reply, thank you.

Yes, my brother is going through probably the toughest time yet. I feel I have exhausted all avenues of help from my point of view- I'm just saddened that I can't really see much benefit/results from my 'help'.
It used to be, not that long ago that when he was feeling low, is just pick up the phone and chat to him and soon enough, the conversation would distract him and he'd be ok for a while but he won't even talk to me these days, just a text every now and then.

Yes, I believe there is a review of his meds next week.
If the psych wants to change meds again, another terrible time coming up, weaning of current then waiting for new ones to kick in- oh no...

I understand what you say about not having to be available constantly, and my brother doesn't bombard me with expressions of negativity, it's probably more about me trying to ease the 'burden' off my folks who are copping the impact first hand.

Thank you for your kind words, this forum is a great help.

[Bluebird15]

Thanks Pip,
I found myself nodding my head in agreement when I read your reply.
My mum asked my brother if she could sit in on his appointment with his psych a few weeks ago and mum said my brother was like a 'yes man' , pretty much telling the psych what he wanted to hear!
I think the problem is that this psych is fairly new to him- as in he started to see him last February. I just don't think he wants to share with him as much as he needs to. I also think he's lost a lot of confidence in him (psych) of late due to meds not kicking in like he desparately hoped. Also, my brother recently took offence to something the psych said to him (my brother is a highly sensitive person) so all this isn't helping things...

Anyway, thanks again for your help.

[pip]

Dear Bluebird 15. Is your brother aware of the fact he does have the right to defend himself to the psych if the psych oversteps the mark. Psych's are still only human, they make heaps of mistakes and if the mistake is pointed out, they will usually apologise and try to sort the problem out. Once your brother becomes more comfortable, perhaps then he will open more. The psych should (by rights) have previous history notes re: your brother's condition and should consult them regularly. If he is just 'winging' it, your brother could be in for a rough ride. I would suggest your brother ask if the psych does have previous notes as guidance. Perhaps also review meds, just because they've changed them, doesn't mean the change is beneficial.

[Bluebird15]

Hi Pip,
My brother, when he's talking to anyone else who isn't immediate family, is very polite and non confrontational. He isn't assertive at all, so he has seethed about the psych's comments on the inside for days.
The thing is, the psych's comments were meant to be helpful, but my brother took them as be-littling and presumptuous.
You see, As a 40 something male, my brother has a lot of growing up to do (and he does know this) but I guess hearing it from someone who's not his family got to him ,I suppose.
He said to me 'well, maybe if I was "normal", I could do these things..' To the phych's suggestions of thinking about getting his licence, a job etc...
In his current state of mind, he takes offence to A LOT of things, even if they are not true, his feelings are real to him. This contributes to the problems as I'm sure you understand.

Thank you though, I think I will ask him to double check the his psych is referring back over his history . Yes, I think next week, a review is on the cards.

You're most helpful Pip, thanks .

[pip]

Hi BB15. It definitely sounds as though the psych could be 'winging' it. When people feel as down as your brother they take offense at anything that sounds like a rebuff. Hopefully, this situation can be sorted before too much damage is done. Suggesting a patient get his driving license, plus a job would be beneficial to some patients. However, each patient should be treated as individuals with individual problems. If your brother has been treated in a 'sheep' like manner i.e 'one cure fixes all', this is going to be quite damaging to him. Psych's often think all someone has to do is get a job or go to school/uni etc. We all have feelings and these need to be addressed and respected. Good luck with the psych.